Engulfed

[Teratogen]

Engulfed

In the shadows, in the fog
My heart is a wasteland of decay
And I was hoping, I was searching
For a light to guide the way
Then I found her in my solitude
And in her solitude she seemed to say
"Do not touch me, I am fire
This one rule you must obey"

So I studied and I pondered
And then I studied her again
I questioned in my curiosity
Her effect on lonesome men
Who also studied and also pondered
And who kept her as a friend
But something told me this little fire
Had burned them down in the end

There was thunder, there was lightning
There were clouds and there was rain
But nothing could extinguish
This mysterious little flame
Her rule I heard but understood not
How to play her cunning game
To give me hope, to give me joy
And still leave me with her pain

She seemed to charm, she seemed to promise
A sort of grand discovery
She illumined in the darkness
And gave me a chance to see
The worth and value I never knew
That has existed inside of me
I tried to worship, I tried to love her
But it was a love that could not be

And in the warmth of her presence
In the roar that was her sound
In her gentle, destructive nature
A companion I had found
So I opened my heart to her
With a love that did surround
But my love was not wanted
And instead burned to the ground

In the shadows, in the fog
In the hope for which we yearn
In the longing for a love
That cannot give love in return
There's a price to be paid
For the things that we learn
This raging fire I embrace
And by this fire I shall burn

[Byron]

Love is a madness. You have captured it. It has captured you. You are both victims.
Fire warms and burns indiscriminately.

Yes, you have captured it. The page is burning.

[Teratogen]

I had been friends with a girl for many years. Just friends. In fact, those were the two words she always repeated to me. I've always thought she was attractive. She has many other male friends who have tried to get closer to her. Some of them were scared off by the "just friends" sentence of death. She claimed she did not like to be a tease, but I knew she did it anyway, for that false sense of power. She claims she likes to be in control, but she uses her wiles to obtain a false sense of empowerment, and I was a victim myself. To quote Leonard, "You lift me up with grace then you put me in a place where I must fall."

Someone who does that to themselves and then can never understand why the guys she's attracted to are all the bad ones is someone who actually has little control at all. But I fell in love with her for all the right reasons. I never thought of her as a tease. She did not attract me with her wiles, though I will admit that they work well. She made me see in myself what I never thought I had in me, shaking me up and never judging me, wanting me around for who I was, even if it was not much. And when I wanted to let her see the good things in herself, the things that made me fall for her, I was never given the chance.

I reached out to a mutual friend the other night, someone I hadn't spoken to in years, but through whom I had met this girl a very long time ago. He hadn't spoken to her in a long time either, but he knew before I could say anything what was happening. He told me once years ago, and quite harshly reminded me the other night, that I was playing with fire. And fire burns down everything in the end. She felt uncomfortable that I envisioned us as more than just friends. When I suggested we talk about it she said okay but put it off. I finally lost it and tried to talk to her but she claimed she never had feelings for me and never wanted to be close to me in any way and basically ran off. I asked her why she was afraid of my affection but she claimed it wasn't that she was afraid, she just didn't want it. Then she blocked off all contact with me. I have no way of talking to her now.

I realize that I fucked up. I was being selfish by trying to force my affection on her and now I'm paying the price for it. I took an enormous risk in taking a leap of faith with her and now it's quite possible our friendship has been destroyed by it. But it's the price I have to pay and the decision I have to live with. And I must say, it's probably the hardest thing I've ever had to live with. I can't eat, can't function properly, just want to sleep and can hardly do that. I find myself crying at random moments, and in public, and I'm having a severely difficult time. I thought the risk would be worth the reward, and it would have been. I held great value in our friendship and thought it was a beautiful thing. But now I've been burned and I've lost it all.

[Byron]

That girl/woman knew and still knows that she attracts male attention. Whether she used/uses her wiles deliberately is not really relevant. She had them and used them. Her wiles are part of her character and personality. At times when she needed them, she could call on them to achieve her goals. I doubt very much that she could function as a woman who does not have that 'attraction.' We all know attractive people who unfortunately know they are attractive. Some of them deign to brighten up our workplaces just by attending daily. The old adage, "beauty is only skin deep" is painfully true.

You are in pain, having lost a long term friendship. However, if she truly was a friend, she would see past the issue of your love for her, and continue to appreciate your heartfelt friendship. We know your worth. You have proved your worth in this Forum for years. You are held in high esteem here. This will sound daft, but it is her loss. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it looks like she judges people on a highly selfish and introspective level.

Women see men differently to the way men see women. Alright, there are men with film star good looks who silence a room when they enter. But woman also like men who have faces that looked 'lived in'. The range can go from star, handsome, pretty, rugged, rough and ready. We have no idea what you look like and to be honest I don't think it matters one iota. It is your character and approach to life that counts for far more than skin/bone structures. I'm not writing this to cheer you up. I feel that quite simply, some things need to be said.

We have a woman in this country called Katie Pryce, who used to be called Jordan. She is stunningly attractive, drop dead gorgeous and a traffic stopper. But remove all her make-up, false hair pieces, false eye-lashes (3 at a time for each lash) various sizes of breast implants and her stupid conversation, and she is nothing. She too believes that you have to be fantastically attractive to be anybody. In ten years she'll look awful and no amount of plaster work and paint will hide the ravages of time. Already she has appalling skin with blemishes and early corrosion of her pores. Many young men would beg to have a meal out with her. Many older, more experienced men, wouldn't touch her with a ten foot barge pole!

So, putting aside your 'friend's' attractiveness, does she really carry enough personal attraction to make her worthy of your attention?

If anyone thinks I'm spouting a load of twaddle and tosh, so be it. But I feel that T is probably well shut of someone who regards skin and bone structure as being more important than the person within.

[Teratogen]

I know of Katie Price. I don't think this girl is anything like that at all. Not one bit. There is beauty in everything about her. I am not attracted to her just for her looks. I know her well enough to know that there is much to be gained by just being with her. Like I said, I fell in love with her for all the right reasons. And I have plenty of them. I just don't think she sees these things in her herself. I wanted to bring them out and show her she too is worthy of love. But she was like me, believing that love is the greatest thing on the planet. And when we put love above all else, place it on a pedestal, it becomes too high and we fear it is not within our grasp and could never be attainable and it makes us feel unworthy. Well I love her and I know that I do and she is just not willing to accept it.

My friend told me the other night as well that she is a forgiving person. I know that she is. One of the many things I love about her. I am too. But he said that is why she always gets hurt because she never knows when to tell the bad people off until it's too late. She may know she's attractive, but I think she only uses it for that false sense of control, like I said before. She's one who is deathly afraid of not being in control because in her past she had little control at all being in a seriously rotten relationship.