The Ship of Dreams

[George.Wright]

The ship of dreams and not the fools
did glide and collide on her virgin trip
She was the biggest in her day, a mighty ship
and carried all inside in a class divide
the techno marvel of her day
and it would be the lower class that was to pay
into the lifeboats, they had no say
the lifeboats lowered half empty into the affray
of turbid seas and ice cold flailing arms
replicating Don Quoite and his charm
the cold killed the top hats afloat
of gentlemen who died in their coats
and the mighty ship did smoke and steam
the silence soon in the starry gleam
and the White Star logo did disappear, not to reappear
into the abyss...............
and created the myth.
Georges

[lizzytysh]

Again, I like this one, too, Georges. I'd like to see another last 6 words. Did you also see the film with Leonardo and Kate?
~Lizzytysh

[George.Wright]

Changed the last six words for you
Georges

[lizzytysh]

Thanks, Georges, may I go and probe a little further? Do you consider it a myth, or are you looking for another word akin to legend, or maybe not even that. At first, I also thought that ice "rink" was an anachronism, yet I then realized that in those days, they did exist. However, it's a "land" reference vs. a sea one. Perhaps another word might be considered for that, as well? I don't mean to pry into it all, but when I saw rink, even though the waters were icy, they were still water and iceberg was, of course, frozen. But, unless I'm unaware of something, the waters didn't freeze over. Perhaps if you can tell me the image you wanted to create with that, I'll understand better. Thanks.
~Lizzytysh

[George.Wright]

Of course it wasn't a literal ice rink, but akin to one. The waters would not have been frozen over but that would not have nullified the effect on the unfortunate people.
Poem composed as i sat.
Georges

[lizzytysh]

Dear Georges,
Part of my thinking on it was also that ice rinks are typically associated with fun, enjoyment, smooth movement, with an occasional fall, from which one arises. There was definitely no fun going on out there, and the fall they took [with rare exception] was permanent. I might suggest a glacial/avalanche effect, but honestly, I don't think they hold up either. I'm just trying to think of something that would be consistent....and, of course, perhaps I shouldn't be trying to think of anything at all~! I'll allow for that, too. I like the replacement on the 6 words much better. I'm really not trying to pick it apart, the ice rink just jumped out at me when I first saw it, I thought perhaps it's not that big a deal, but then when I returned to read your changes, it jumped out at me again.
All good things,
Lizzytysh

[lizzytysh]

Hi Georges,
If you want me to back off, I will. However, I wanted you to know that my comment wasn't just arbitrary. I really wanted the metaphor to be consistent.

This is how I feel about my suggestion of "avalanche" -- some of it works, but not all:

What they experienced was an "avalanche" of water coming from the opposite direction of snow/ice/rocks of a standard one. For those who died, instead of being inescapably covered by snow/ice/rocks, they were inescapably submerged in icy water with perhaps some floating chunks of ice [i.e. rocks]. I have no clue how using this could be appropriately phrased, if at all; however, this is overall where I'm coming from in wanting/seeking an alternative to "ice rink." Of course, bottom line is that it's your poem.....and if it suits you, that's all that's really necessary, so if you prefer I back off, I certainly will.

All good things,
Lizzytysh

[George.Wright]

You are right, i have changed the poem accordingly, thanks for your comments.....................I think it reads better.
Georges

[lizzytysh]

Hi Georges,
I like it much more now and glad that you weren't offended by my suggestions. "Peace".....couldn't resist.
~Lizzytysh

[George.Wright]

Thanks again, and you know that i would not be offended.
Georges