ID

[Lion of Lions]

Ten in line,
with a few quid for nine
paid for civic duty
and lucky looks.

Compared to the Suspect,
who does not thank them (no manners),
nor shake their hands (no fingerprints),
they look lonely and guilty.

He does not share his story,
telling nothing of the jeweller's shop
where all the stones are now rubies
and the owner has gone on a long vacation.

But the widow shuffles to the screen
and stares at the Suspect stood between
the man who will spend his pay on girls
and the man who will spend his pay on boys.

And where the Suspect will spend his future
depends on one word from the woman
he beat only yesterday
(if it was him)


edited to adopt the very helpful corrections from Geoffrey.

[iveta]

I like the identity parade story itself, and it also feels like some sort of metaphor of the human world...
The unconcealable inside of everyone and all the people standing around him
The personal ugly secrets make them feel "lonely and guilty", but for the reader, the
tension of the event is inviting in a way...

[Geoffrey]

Not a bad first attempt at poetry, although looking closely one can observe an unevenness, like the unattractive white areas under a person's sandal-straps.

Lion of Lions wrote:
>Ten in line,
>with a few quid for 9
>paid for civic duty
>and lucky looks.

This is about a police line-up of ten people, I assume. Nine of them randomly chosen from members of the public, though perhaps with some vague similarities to the suspect (hence "lucky looks"). The nine ordinary citizens receive a small amount of money for their participation. Erratum: Replace '9' with 'nine'.

>Compared to the suspect,
>who does not thank them (no manners),
>nor shake their hands (no fingerprints),
>they look lonely and guilty

The suspect unwittingly draws attention to himself by being the sole person who looks innocent. Erratum: Full stop omitted after 'guilty'.

>He does not share his story,
>telling nothing of the jeweller's shop
>where all the stones are now rubies
>and the owner's gone on a long vacation.

The suspect claims he knows nothing about a jewellery shop robbery in which the proprietor was murdered. That the precious stones are referred to as "rubies" is likely a figurative way of saying that the gems were involved in the spilling of blood. There are no errors in this verse, although somehow avoiding the contraction ("owner's") may offer improvement.

>But the widow shuffles to the screen
>and stares at the Suspect stood between
>the man who will spend his pay on girls
>and the man who will spend his pay on boys.

The story is quite straight forward here. Erratum: The word 'suspect' needs only a small case 's', as was employed in the second verse. The same inconsequence should also be corrected in the following verse.

>And where the Suspect will spend his future
>depends on one word from the woman
>he beat only yesterday
>(if it was him)

Are you sure the last line is right? Three of the alternatives below are incorrect. See if you can pick the right one.
a) if it was him
b) if it were him
c) if it was he
d) if it were he

[imaginary friend]

Mr. Lion,

Iveta used the word 'tension' in her response to your line-up poem; that word, along with 'discomfort', describes the specific feelings I experienced when reading it – even the second and third times. I really liked the bloody 'rubies' stanza. Enjoyed re-reading it to extract as much meaning as I could, then scrolled down to find that I needn't have bothered, as Geoffrey had done it already for me.

The boo-boos in punctuation, capitalization etc. that Geoffrey remarked on seem so uncharacteristic of the Jungle King, that I wondered whether you had purposely put them in to test Geoffrey's mettle

The poem and Geoffrey's methodical de-construction of it, were both a pleasure to read. Thank you both.

[Lion of Lions]

hey, thanks for all the comments. the mildly amusing story of my posting this is that I am going on holiday tomorrow and had some urgent last-minute matters with which to deal. the most pressing was about some tax figures. when I searched my computer under "t" I saw the draft poem filed under "ten". I read it, added the "lonely and guilty" bit, probably the "straightest" words in it, no "clever" imagery or double-meaning, so interesting to see them picked out by iveta. I had just 5 minutes to play before my first appointment so I posted without checking. I would love to pretend the mistakes were there as "Geoffrey-Traps" but they weren't. For once I chose speed over care, a thrillingly novel process. I will correct the blunders later, (including the excruciatingly bad suspect/Suspect, I go LARGE here, it shows him under the cliché, whoops I mean Spotlight of Suspicion) and many thanks to Geoffrey for pointing them out. I think your post was quite a stylish revenge for my comments on a couple of your recent light-weight doodles!

you were right on everything except the last line ("if it was him"). that was her thinking, and properly lived in bracketythingys, and properly reflected her speech. also, you may like to know that the Suspect is called Ben, the first line originally being "Ben in line", and therefore the widow thought ("if it was Hur").

Lion of Lions (cunning in parentheses contemporaneously) (running to pack in a minute) (sunning in Spain from tomorrow) (punning on return mid August)

[iveta]

I have to admit I am hopelessly positive when reviewing, searching for the tiny bit of something hopelessly important and beautifull in absolutely everything I ever read. I couldn't even write those advertisements on the covers of the books, since I would hopelessly overadvertise.....

I still think perhaps there are some clever shifts of meaning in your poem, even if it's a mere play for you....they might have grown up from the soil between the lines....

And perhaps not...I fully realise my handicap....

[Cate]

I like it.

Lonely and guilty compared to the paid guys was a good addition.
It also fit in nicely with man who'll spend his money of girls and the man who'll spend his money on boys. How much do you get paid for this type of gig?

Have a good break Mikeeee Lion.

[Lion of Lions]

I have to admit I am hopelessly positive when reviewing, searching for the tiny bit of something hopelessly important and beautifull in absolutely everything I ever read. I couldn't even write those advertisements on the covers of the books, since I would hopelessly overadvertise.....

I still think perhaps there are some clever shifts of meaning in your poem, even if it's a mere play for you....they might have grown up from the soil between the lines....

And perhaps not...I fully realise my handicap....

oh, I didn't mean to suggest it was just play. I was only pointing out I had a few minutes yesterday morning to play with it.

I see no handicap in your vision!

[Lion of Lions]

I like it.

Lonely and guilty compared to the paid guys was a good addition.
It also fit in nicely with man who'll spend his money of girls and the man who'll spend his money on boys. How much do you get paid for this type of gig?

Have a good break Mikeeee Lion.

you used to get a tenner, now they use photo id's. boring!

Lion ( a creature without ID or Ego)(plane sailing in a few hours)

ps the real first lines were going to be
Ben in line
with a few quid for id

look, it rhymes!

[Cate]

It does rhyme and a very funny pun at that.

don't worry I'll make you an eggo and mail to Spain.

While you were sailing across the sky in your big Aeroplane or Dirigible I was stuck bumping along in public transit at rush hour (my husband took my car growl...).
Coming home a gentleman who apparently did not believe in all the hop-la of deodorant and who also had an under-odour of cat pee, sat beside me and fell asleep leaning against me. I would have shoved him off but the air conditioning was on overdrive and he was at least warm.

[mat james]

contemporaneously

Synchronicity, Lion. Worthy of a Spanish Sun-god or poetically virulent cluster.

Yes, poems and "song", as stated in my post above which I posted contemporaneously with yours (above).

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