The blessed contours of your face

[Violet]

I've been a bit busy these days, and so I haven't been around these parts much, but this morning this poem of mine was in my head.. it's something I've posted twice before, once on Leonard's last birthday thread (a bit morbid of me, perhaps, but I wrote it for him in deference to what it is to be truly missed), and once on the Write Your Own Epitaph thread I did a while back.. in any event, I never posted it as a poem in its own rite..

I guess sometimes in order to move forward it's to mourn certain things..



The blessed contours of your face


this earth
a desolate place,

without
the blessed contours
of
your face.

and
in the way of mountains
crumbling down
in
death’s bereft,

I fear this loss
(when mountains
will be left.)


though with your self
evolving toward its end (no
time to waste)

when finer threads of mind
dissolve to grace;

in loss
we’ll keep these
smallest clues

(the pen
you used to
use)

as
if your secret
had a secret
place.


But now
in slumbering mountains
do I find,

such shades of loss as
tends this grieving
mind,

for
mountains in their midnight
deftly trace,

these

quiet

beloved contours

of
your face.






v i o l e t
2008

[Rel Constant]

Hello there. Nice to see this poem, I see alot of good things in it. Wanna tweak it together?

yrs truly
R.

[Violet]

... Hi Rel.. it may be the spacing issue again since I don't think I'd change the text.. I'm re-evaluating how I've been using spacing in these poems.. maybe I'll tweak it a bit first, then see if it helps you to read it better.. maybe you can let me know after I've done that.. I'll do it as another post... v.

[Rel Constant]

Okaly Dokaly Vikaly.

[Violet]

Hi Rel... I made spacing changes to the poem I first posted... see if it reads better...

With this poem in particular, but with my poems in general.. there's this subjective visual thing I do with spacing.. however, sometimes it interferes I think with readers being able to pick up on the rhythm that's in my own head as I read the poem, so it's finding a balance.. with this poem I'm thinking of the lines as if they were in some way creating the contours of the mountain landscape.. so I don't want to lose that sense entirely.. so.. it's finding a balance between this subjective visual thing.. and helping the reader to find the rhythm, and the sense of the poem..

.. I've had readers here (and some of them may not have been being altogether fair, nor were they trying very hard I don't think, to understand a form that may be different than they are used to).. but some readers have called poems I've written just a senseless smattering of words, which is almost incomprehensible to me.. On the other hand, if I do think a criticism is valid, I appreciate it.. Anyway, in the end, I know there is a challenge with my spacing especially..

Okay, so... let me know if this reads better.. such as at the very end, where I let the words each have their own line.. I'm hoping that since the reader is already into the rhythm of the poem at that point, that it's okay that I do this, and that it is a furthering of this mountain landscape idea visually somehow.. let me know if you know what I mean by that.. and if you think it's working..

.. thanks so much Rel!

v i o l e t

[Cate]

hi Violet, I just read out loud the above version with the new spacing and the version you have posted in the epitaph thread with the old spacing.
I do like the changes that you've made to both line breaks and stanza spacing, it gives it a smoother, more natural feel. It also gave a greater emphasis or weight to the end of the piece.

for
mountains in their midnight
deftly trace,

these

quiet

beloved contours

of
your face.

[Rel Constant]

Haloo V. Yes, I do find it much better, reads better and the contours are better!

[Violet]

Hi Cate, hi Rel..

.. I'm so glad to hear this.. I think too that in giving poems some time where you're not looking at them, you really can see them with fresh eyes again.. whereas feeling so close up to something you can barely see it anymore is not a very useful time to make changes..

.. I'm working on film editing at the moment, and they're such similar things in a way and require a similar type of tweaking..

.. thanks so much for the feedback you two!

v i o l e t