poem: When the clocks stopped ticking

[charlajoy]

The time that you came home--my refuge, our house
when the clocks stopped ticking for three and a half hours
as you--your eyes
cutting my existence to oblivion
watched me shrivel into a corpse--
no vanity, no words
I watched you grow in stature, the Victor,
the cruel Gatekeeper who dangles the keys to the gate
with fleshless, dangling scraps
you caused the death in me to
meet the capillaries in my throat and cheeks and eyes
I sprang at my chance--
the opportunity rage gave me-
to live beyond you.

World of Leonard Cohen forum:

This is my dismissal. The poem is too "something," I'm sure. This is my comment: It was years ago...I never knew the experience of rage until that moment. It's what psychotherapy calls the leap from passivity. It's called using the negative emotion for something good. I was finally able to stand up on my own, for my own. Seems like the generation these days, my two included, don't know what it's like for a left-over, traditionally raised girl of the 60s. We were trained to be docile, no matter what our personality. It's been a hard row, trying to find myself in the midst of the shard. This was my first positive experience in the context of the junk that was happening around me. This man divorced me 15 years later for a blonde. I never did want to go blonde.... Never will.

[Lion of Lions]

The time that you came home--my refuge, our house
When the clocks stopped ticking for three and a half hours
As you--your eyes
Cutting my existence to oblivion
Watched me shrivel into a corpse--
No vanity, no words
I watched you grow in stature, the Victor,
The cruel Gatekeeper who dangles the keys to the gate
With fleshless, dangling scraps
You caused the death in me to
Meet the capillaries in my throat and cheeks and eyes
I sprang at my chance--
The opportunity rage gave me-
To live beyond you.

hey, that is quite rewarding on repeat reading. I do think you should take the time to correct the automatic Caps at the start of each line. It has the effect of limiting the emphasis that you should be choosing.

I suggest you rethink your line "I watched you grow in stature," it gives me a false impression. He only grew in size and power, didn't he? Maybe it would work better with "I watched you grow in size,as you diminished in stature" or "I watched you grow in size,as you shrank in stature" or summat along those lines?

[charlajoy]

I suggest you rethink your line "I watched you grow in stature," it gives me a false impression. He only grew in size and power, didn't he? Maybe it would work better with "I watched you grow in size,as you diminished in stature" or "I watched you grow in size,as you shrank in stature" or summat along those lines?

Wow, thank you. First time I submitted this to a forum. Caps stand corrected. And I think I chose stature precisely because his energies bore down upon me--his stature in this way. I kind of see things with my inner eye that are happening invisibly but as though they are visible, if that makes sense. Thanks so much for not tearing this apart

[Lion of Lions]

I suggest you rethink your line "I watched you grow in stature," it gives me a false impression. He only grew in size and power, didn't he? Maybe it would work better with "I watched you grow in size,as you diminished in stature" or "I watched you grow in size,as you shrank in stature" or summat along those lines?

Wow, thank you. First time I submitted this to a forum. Caps stand corrected. And I think I chose stature precisely because his energies bore down upon me--his stature in this way. I kind of see things with my inner eye that are happening invisibly but as though they are visible, if that makes sense. Thanks so much for not tearing this apart

very welcome. I knew why you chose "stature" but the usual meaning these days does import power and maybe status, not just size. He was a shit and doesn't deserve the usual meanings. good luck

Lion of Lions