Carpe Diem

[jabble524]

Carpe Diem

Part 1 (Poison Memories, and a Lonely Suicide)

As you stand there and speak, I slowly drift away
Poisoned by the memories of yesterday
Flashbacks play like a broken record in my mind
Cause have you ever felt-
Like your emotions were wrapped in barbwire?
Confused, trapped, and lonely
You open the cupboard door
And remove the long silver knife

Contemplating a million worries at once
The knife is trembling in your dead hand
Screaming out in silence, you desperately look around for comfort
But you find nothing-
No one knows you're there, slipping through the circles of hell
Alone and falling-
Despair is a cruel mistress

In a state of disbelief, you raise the knife to your throat
And wonder-
"Is this really what my life has become"?
Tensing your muscles, and tightening your grip, you're ready to end it
End it, and escape-
All the pain, all the lies, all the loneliness

Part 2 (Guardian Angels, and a Moment of Truth)

Suddenly, in a moment of truth
Your life flashes before your eyes
And some intense and bittersweet emotion
Rushes through your veins

Then-
As if your guardian angels finally arrived
You pull the knife away from your throat

But after a short-lived feeling of serenity
The aftermath hits you like a ton of bricks
The weight of confusion is crushing
"Was I really just about to slit my throat"?

Part 3 (Forgotten Flowers, Underneath the Snow)

As you begin the painful process of reflection
It becomes evident, that whatever guardian angels you had
Have since departed

Cold, lonely, and desperate
You try to find some silver lining
Some justification or rational
But there's nothing

Your soul has withered
Like forgotten flowers
Under the winter snow

And your heart turns bitter
Like someone left out in the cold
Who can only watch the warm fireplace
From outside the window

Part 4 (Cherry Red Roses, After a Long Winter)

Years have passed since those dark times in my life
And after much introspection and soul searching

I’ve realized that loneliness and despair
Can melt away, like snow and ice
And that happiness and serenity can blossom
Like cherry red roses, after a long winter

I’ve learned that love and friendship
Are what’s truly important
And I no longer envy the warmth of the fireplace
From outside the window

In my soul, I used to contemplate suicide
But now I realize that life is a precious gift

In my soul, I used to find confusion
But now I realize the secret to life…

Tempus Fugit
Memento Mori
Carpe Diem

[lizzytysh]

Hi Jabble ~

I like the way realization has come to you like seasons passing. There's room for improvement in the telling of your story, though I'm not the one to offer the specifics. Still, I'm glad you've made it here today and that your shadows have brightened, and especially that you were willing to share those vulnerable and painful times.


~ Lizzy

[jabble524]

Thanks for the feedback. I truly appreciate it. And thanks to everyone who has taken the time to read my poetry. I hope all is well.
Cheers,
Jason

[Cate]

Hi Jason,

Nice to have a name for you. I’m with Lizzy, really like the idea of the four parts reflecting the four seasons, perhaps a set of four vignettes. Your title goes well with this. Suggestion - you could incorporate a summer poisonous plant into the title of part 1, (Night Shade Memories – just an example it could be anything)

I think you’re a story teller, that’s cool and it will make for interesting poems, but this poem is drifting into prose. If you do revision a suggestion would be to totally strip this down – be brutal keep only the skeleton and then lock it into the closet for two weeks (he he – okay you can roll your eyes). After a couple of weeks bring it back out and add just what needs to be added (if anything). Below I’ve gone through the first part and [boxed] words/phrases for you to consider.


Carpe Diem

Part 1 (Poison Memories, and a Lonely Suicide)

As you stand there and speak, I slowly drift away
Poisoned by the memories of yesterday
Flashbacks play like a broken record in my mind
[Cause] have you ever felt- (the word cause makes this awkward)
[Like] your emotions [were] wrapped in barbwire?
Confused, trapped, and lonely
You open the cupboard door
And remove the long silver knife

[Contemplating a million worries at once]
The knife is trembling in your [dead] hand (that’s a bit dramatic –it’s not dead yet)
Screaming out in silence, you desperately look around for comfort
But you find nothing-
No one knows you're there, [slipping through the circles of hell]
Alone and falling-
[Despair is a cruel mistress]

[In a state of] disbelief, you raise [the] knife to [your] throat
And wonder-
"Is this really what my life has become"?
Tensing your muscles, and tightening your grip, you're ready to [end it
End it, and ]escape-
[All ]the pain, [all] the lies, [all] the loneliness



I hope you don't mind but I just really like to play around with stuff. I've not added to it, or re-arranged just removed.

You’re wrapped in barbwire,
confused and lonely.
You open the door,
a long silver

knife is trembling in your hand.
Scream in silence,
nothing.
No one knows you're there, slipping
falling.

you raise the knife to your throat
"Is this my life"?

Escape,
the pain, the lies, the loneliness.

(the knife part got muddled -)

[jabble524]

I don't mind. I really appreciate the detail in your feedback. I hadn't thought about really stripping it down, but it's an interesting idea. As you mentioned, it gives it a very brutal feel, which is very much in line with the emotional feel I'm trying to convey. You've given me some good ideas to work with. I really appreciate it, and I hope all is well with you.

Cheers,
Jason