Someone spends his life something like this

[nickkler]

Someone is spending his life
Hanging on a delicate thread
Of withering relationships, as if
Passing time something like this
Paying off an eternal debt, as if

His feet are swollen
from standing in lines
of rationed water
His children are dying of hunger, as if

Time it takes for echoes to return
Someone whispering his name in the midst

Time is spent with the reflecting mirrors
Someone he knows is within, as if

His eyes are watering profusely with smoke
A fire festering in his heart, as if

Days are passing mighty hard
With people decifering his soul apart
Nights gnaw him into solitude, as if

Nick Kler

[Manna]

Ending 2/3 of the lines with "as if" doesn't help me know what you're saying here. When I was a young girl, we would say to each other, "Cha, as if," and this was our uniform individual way of declaring something highly unlikely. For instance:

"Pete wants to take Jenny to the homecoming dance this weekend."
"Cha, as if. Like, everyone knows Jenny's totally with Chad."

With the lack of punctuation and nearly random capitalization, it's hard to know how to apply your "as ifs." Are they a 'cha, as if" or are they really saying, "as if his feet are swollen?" Maybe it's missing ellipses. The unfinished feeling may be just what you're going for, but I don't think this is the finest way to get it. Leaving too many loose ends leaves your reader standing in a pile of untied, unmatched shoes.

I liked the swollen feet line, and the time it takes for echoes to return. Didn't quite get the eyes watering with smoke. Eyes could water from smoke - because of smoke, but it reads like he's got smoke coming out of his eyes. He's gone from lonely desperate man to dragon man.

I think you might benefit from writing this in prose first. Figure out what you want to say, and say it clearly at least once without bells and whistles. Then try reworking it into a poem.

ps. I confess to calling you "Tickler" behind your back. I hope you don't mind.