This grief

[Violet]

This poem was dissected below, although now [looking back at it all this time later] I find it to be a total failure.

anyway, I've severedly edited it.


This grief

I don’t know what
I'm saying

(I knew this cold floor
long before)


v i o l e t

[mat james]

This grief

I lie on this stone-cold floor,
like a foetus without a womb,
a twin without its twin,
a home apart from
home

...I don’t know what
I am saying;
I knew the stone-cold floor
long before


v i o l e t

I don't think the second verse serves any poetical purpose, so I removed it.
(I also changed fetus to foetus)
Your poem works though 'stone-cold' is a bit cliche. Maybe just 'stone' in the first verse and just 'cold' in the last verse.

This grief

I lie on this stone floor,
like a foetus without a womb,
a twin without its twin,
a home apart from
home

...I don’t know what
I am saying;
I knew the cold floor
long before

The poem is direct and confronting.
I can't say I like the topic, but it works very well for me.
Powerful imagery.

Regards to you Violet, MatbbgJ

[Violet]

much later note: I'm going through here, as I've pretty much removed most of the poem, these comments no longer pertain]

[lizzytysh]

Just a brief suggestion, Violet... perhaps, saying "make of me what you will," rather than "make of me what you will of me" would make the spiritual aspect a tad clearer... "will" could be a verb, as well, in that instance... plus the repetition of "of me" doesn't help anything, so far as I can tell.


~ Lizzy

[Cate]

Hi Violet,

as you’ve said to Mat that you’ve only recently wrote I’m going to assume that it is not a ‘finished’ poem so if you don’t mind I’m gonna hop in and play around a bit in it. ( practicing critique)

This grief

I lie on this stone floor, (stone alone is a stronger image – I can feel it on my skin, I know it’s cold without you telling me, stone cold is cliché that automatically brings to my mind a preconceived notion of those words – imagination squashed, but don’t throw it out just yet you might be able to make use of it)
like a fetus without a womb,
a twin without its twin,
a home apart from
home

Make of this mind
your meaning;
make of me,
what you will of me

I don’t know what
I am saying;
I knew the stone-cold floor (I think the should still be this for consistency - plus this is easier reader to experience then a general the, unless it changes meaning)
long before


I think Mat’s suggestion of using stone in stanza 1 and cold in stanza 3 is an excellent one. With your use of repetition in the poem I think that you could actually make use of it being a *cliché. I think the key would be to have S3 L4 be a reflection of S1 L1.
Because you’ve used repetition a few times the reader comes to expect it, that's what is comfy. They will expect when you mention floor again that it will be a repeat of a stone floor from S1. This isn’t a comfy poem though so don’t give it to them – give them cold instead, so that the back of their heads will feel the words stone cold, feel the weight of stone cold. Yes it's a cliche but you would be making use of that fact.

So,

I lie on this stone floor
like a fetus without a womb,
a twin without its twin,
a home apart from

home

I don’t know what
I am saying;
long before
I knew this cold floor

I know you’d have to fiddle with your structure and meter – I’m no help there(fraid I'm a toe stepper), but it could be interesting.

Okay the missing middle part above, for me it was a digression. I think Stanza 2 would work better as Stanza 1, almost as a preface for the meat of the poem.

One last point back to the stone/cold thingy, sorry I’m clinging to it, but a first line is important.
If you do decide to go with one word or the other please don’t go with cold – blach. Cold is bordering on an abstraction, it’s vague and more importantly you just don’t need it, you showed us.


*(Yes 98.5% of the time clichés are bad, very very bad but… exceptions are always fun to play with)

[Violet]

Hi Cate, hi again Mat, and Lizzy,

Thank you all for your comments... Mat, I missed that you were using two different adjectives for floor, stone first, cold second... don't ask me how I missed that... So far, only Lizzy is keeping the second stanza, unless, as per Cate, it becomes a preamble to what Cate thinks of as the meat of the poem... which is still sort of in agreement with Mat...

I'm not a huge fan of "I lie on... " I never liked it, but couldn't find another way of saying it... so I guess I have my work cut out for me on this poem... Oh, Mat, let me know about the foetus word, if you would... and Lizzy, I think what you said is a possibility as well, although I don't dislike the sound of what I had, and I'm not sure that that was the problem people are having with the second stanza...

... so... I guess I should sit with this a bit... and I thank all of you for the input...

v i o l e t

[mat james]

'foetus' is the English/Australian way of spelling the word.
Apparently you guys spell it differently.

Mat

[Cate]

So far, only Lizzy is keeping the second stanza, unless, as per Cate, it becomes a preamble to what Cate thinks of as the meat of the poem... which is still sort of in agreement with Mat...

I didn't say preamble (I know it's almost the same word but for some reason preamble seems fluffy, it sounds sounds to much like ramble).
I said preface, a lead into the scene. Make us curious, have as asking why and to whom, then unfold the story. (oh I sound demanding, sorry only child - it's a suggestion of course)
Meat of the poem , wish I hadn't used that term with you.

I'm not sure that that was the problem people are having with the second stanza...

Tone

I don't have a problem with the stanza, I have a problem with the placement.

This grief

I lie on this stone-cold floor,
like a fetus without a womb,
a twin without its twin,
a home apart from
home

so here your describing a scene and we the reader are pulled in with N, the reader is actively involved, our imagination is creating the scene with your words.

Make of this mind
your meaning;
make of me,
what you will of me

To me this is mini soliloquy. The reader (me) suddenly stops being active and now only listens. I'm not saying it's not interesting, it's just I was in a poem and then it stopped and I was only allowed to watch.

I don’t know what
I am saying;
I knew the stone-cold floor
long before

Here although N is still speaking but we return to the scene, the reader again becomes active.

This is just an opinion, an opinion of a grasshopper at that, so take it with a grain of salt (now how's that for an ultimate cliche).

[Violet]

This grief

I lie on this stone floor,
like a fetus without a womb,
a twin without its twin,
a home apart from
home

I don’t know what
I am saying;
I knew this cold floor
long before


Hi Cate, and Mat,

Mat, thanks for the foetus info. I'd looked the word up, and wasn't sure if there might be some slight difference in meaning, depending on which dictionary you're looking at. I thought it might be a later phase of development, actually, as was suggested in one definition, so wondered what you were thinking.

Cate, the above seems to be what I'm working with now, if I take all comments to heart that is.

As to using the second stanza as a preface (I guess I should look up preface and preamble now, for my own information), I'm not sure it leads well into the poem. I'm thinking either I keep it as the second stanza, or not use it at all. I think the problem I'm still having here, Mat and Cate, is that to me, "I don't know what I am saying" only makes sense in terms of the second stanza that's now missing, so I guess I have to try to see what I think the line might mean, now that its original reference is missing. If I can't resolve that, I may be tempted to put that second stanza back in... though I'm trying hard to consider its omission.

oh, and Cate, I have no problem with looking at any of this. It's been interesting. It's just a little poem, and yet there's so much to think about in terms of it, writing wise. I know the core of this poem speaks to something deeply troubling to me, so maybe it's even a bit therapeutic doing this, I don't know... perfecting the pain? I guess art very often is about doing that.

v i o l e t