To Rosie and the Summer of '98

[3010530027]

Rosie loved me for a whole Summer.
We had borrowed someone's cottage
by someone else's lake.

Each day we sat silently,
at the edge of our relationship.

When we looked down
gently lapping water lied to us
that we were perpetual.

When we looked up
the horizon lied to us
that there were no limits to our love.

It lasted one whole Summer.

Alice (with love to Rosie)

"I am not a number"

[imaginary friend]

Hi Alice,

I loved your poem!

After I read it (3 times, the magic number), a flash occurred to me that it would be delightful to see another poem posted here in response to yours – by Rosie – her view of that Summer love...

[Rose.4.U]

Rosie loved me for a whole Summer.
We had borrowed someone's cottage
by someone else's lake.

Each day we sat silently,
at the edge of our relationship.

When we looked down
gently lapping water lied to us
that we were perpetual.

When we looked up
the horizon lied to us
that there were no limits to our love.

It lasted one whole Summer.

Alice loved me whole for a summer (in 1989)
we had stolen someone's cottage,
that someone we dumped in the sea.

Each day we'd come but violently
on the ledge of our vacation trip.

When we cooked dulse,
the scent o' sea water lied with us.
Then we were so sexual.

When we hooked up
that (umm.. friendly woman) lied with us

then there was no limpits in our love
except for that one time...
when I got wasted, that Summer.

Rose

(who was just a number specifically - 4)

[imaginary friend]

Hi Rosie (may I call you Rosie?)

I found Alice's memory of Summer love to be more refreshing than yours (lake vs sea etc.). Plus there's an undertone (undertow?) of violence in your poem which disturbs me. (I prefer lovers to fighters etc.)

Anyways, thanks for responding. My imagination is on overtime this week. (Is it full moon, or have I been reading too much of Violet and Georges' 'Colonial Suicide' thread?)

PS, as I'm not as fluent in punctuation as some on the Forum, did you mean you were Number 4, or Number Minus 4?

[3010530027]

Hi Alice,

I loved your poem!

After I read it (3 times, the magic number), a flash occurred to me that it would be delightful to see another poem posted here in response to yours – by Rosie – her view of that Summer love...

Thanks for your comment! I have no contact any more with Rosie but maybe I will try and write her reply. BTW I didn't think much of the spoof one someone left here, revenge for my comments about the Sweater piece?

Alice

"I am not a number"

[Rose.4.U]

For the record I liked your poem and there was no sweater connection.
I was just messing about.

[aaronblack]

Hi Alice,

I really liked the theme, and the vehicle you chose - the way everything about the environment spoke to you beautifully - but falsely - of a potential future for the relationship.


But - I thought the execution a bit heavy-handed and clumsy...

I would have preferred it if you had kept the references to the falseness of the promise more limited - maybe refer to "That summer" - until the very end and then hit with "that one summer" or "one whole sunmmer." For me, spilling the beans in the very first line destroyed the tension-resolution arc of the piece.

It would help to solve some of that and also would eliminate a very problematic construction if you'd change the "lied" when you describe what the lake and the horizon were saying to you...

I can't give a reason why it's technically wrong, but the formulation "x lied that y" is awkward at best, and maybe just wrong. Normally that would be put as "x was lying when he/she/it told me that y" or something along that line.

I also think there should be something more about the interaction between you and Rosie, how that fed into the false promise as well - sitting silently every day doesn't convey much about that.

I don't know if you intended it, but I really liked the way the borrowed cottage gives a sense of being "on borrowed time" - but in a more subtle, foreshadowing fashion.

-Aaron

[lizzytysh]

Poetry 101 feedback :

It seems to me that Aaron has made some valid observations.

I really liked the idea of the poem.

I really liked the "borrowed cottage" and "someone else's lake," which in themselves suggest impermanence. There was simply no way for this to become your and Rosie's home, or your and Rosie's lake. You were visitors to these physical places, the same as the two of you ended up being visitors in each other's lives.

The "gently lapping water" concerned me a little in terms of cliche. "Lapping" and "gently lapping" have been references I've seen made for many years regarding water. "Gently lapping" against the boat/against the dock/on the shore/whatever. It seems to me to be a case of telling rather than showing. I'd like to see, somehow, a description that creates the visual or the feeling of the water lapping. Yet, given the brevity of your lines and your stanzas and the poem, it seems not 'unforgiveable' to use it, to make your point and move on. Unfortunately, I have no suggestions of a better, also brief, way of conveying the same thing. Sometimes, cliches become just that because they capture concepts, ideas, actions, etc. so effectively. So, hey...

A romantic poem regarding a summer romance. I like how you wanted to convey how we can be deceived or deceive ourselves with 'messages' from our environments. I refer back to Aaron regarding, as I said, some valid observations regarding your poem's execution.


~ Lizzy
Poetry 101 [minus the class ]

[3010530027]

Thank you Aaron and Lizzy for the feedback. I think the poem (and the relationship!) deserved more but you were right that I had in mind borrowed time. I am ok with the "lied" structure but the "lapping water" etc is weak. I will revise it. The line I like most is the "edge of our relationship" which, I hope, plays with the inevitable image of the edge of the lake.

Here is my imagined reply from Rosie

Alice, a lake is just a lake
it's water not magic
The sky is the same for everyone
Monday lovers and Friday friends

I shared everything with you that week
except your plans for our future
and I must softly share
that only you
will ever write poems about that Summer


well, Rosie was not much of a poet so I forgive her for that effort

Alice

"I am not a number"

[John K.]

I've heard of self-love (LOL) but the exchange of poems in this thread take it to new heights!

[lizzytysh]

Well, perhaps you ought to assume Rosie's identity more often, Alice... for me, the response was wrenching. Clear. Simply put. Unfortunately, unequivocal in its reminding of boundaries and minimizing and diminishing of such special moments in your own life. WoW. I'd like to think there was some catharsis occurring in that externally-requested exercise.

I love this, especially with the Monday through Friday idea [might it be somehow different for the Saturday and Sunday folks ... just kidding]. It really makes its point, as is:

The sky is the same for everyone
Monday lovers and Friday friends

This is especially illustrative of how sometimes kindness can be so cruel, the "and I must softly share":

and I must softly share
that only you
will ever write poems about that Summer

For me, this was a wonderful [albeit poignantly sad] poem. [But, then, I'm still not even signed up yet for 101.]


John... the response is hardly reenforcing of one's 'self'-love .

[imaginary friend]

I think John K is pulling all our (long, lithe, tanned) legs...

... as I was pulling Rose's when responding to her counterfeit poem early in the thread (which I actually thought was Alice's response – this is getting complicated!)

My 2¢? I enjoyed both of Alice's poems and I'm interested in the idea of a dialogue carried on between poems by the same author

[lizzytysh]

Yeah, of course you're right, Imaginary Friend, but given your description, I can see he wasn't pulling mine .

In Alice's response poem, Rosie's air of detachment is palpable and chilling; makes me want to grab my thickest sweater. A little for warmth, a little for emotional protection. I can almost hear the bracketed portion:

and I must softly share
[one more time]
that only you
will ever write poems about that Summer

The second poem makes me wonder if Alice felt used. She did a great job of establishing two, distinct characters.

Yes, that really is an interesting exercise having a poetic dialogue written singularly.


~ Lizzy

[Cate]

ohhh I love Alice's Rosie response. I didn't see cold - sometimes a lake is just a lake that doesn't mean she didn't love Alice, she just saw water not magic. There is tenderness there - shared everything, softly

I shared everything with you that week
but not your view of the future

This is a bit sad, but sometimes people on different paths have an opportunity to share a few moments. To me that's what this seems like - two different people, maybe a realist and a romantic who leave their paths for a while to share some time. I also love how she says from Monday lovers and Friday Friends, I think that also reflects the relationship; a week spent as lovers ending as friends. That's nice. That's a good love story.
The ending of only you will write ... seems lonely and yes sad, but sad in that tender way, in that I sometimes wish it had been a little more way.


edit - I spelled wish wrong.

[lizzytysh]

I think your interpretation is spot on, Cate. Thanks for clarifying it for me. I'm in a sad mood right now so it coloured my reading. I totally missed the beginning of the week as lovers and ending it as friends entendre. I like your interpretation much better and the poem every bit as much. It just really is a wonderful, bittersweet nugget. Thanks for adding to that.

[Now if we can do something about that lapping water .]


~ Lizzy