Hello, it's great to be here with so many fellow Leonard Cohen fans. He is truly wonderful, and a great inspiration to me. I have four poems, so I thought it would be more appropriate to post them all under one file, rather then four seperate ones. If anyone has time, I would love feedback.
1) Kisses Indicate
I can leave the place where time stops
Just outside reality
I can leave the place where time stops
Material paradise vanishes
Censored screams whispered
They're spectacular with the vernacular of confusion
Kisses indicate the illusion
There's correlations between your lacerations
Watch the sunrise
And fall asleep in your arms
Coffee kisses at sunset
And wake me from my dreams
Censored screams whispered
They're spectacular with the vernacular of confusion
Kisses indicate the illusion
There's correlations between your lacerations
2) No Shame (In a Devil’s Kiss)
I'd rather sleep with devils
In seductive red lingerie
Then live by their standards
Conform and obey
Cause darling your legs open
And heaven's gates close
I'd rather taste luscious apples
From the tree of desire
Then live my life fearful
Of brimstone and fire
Cause darling your legs open
And heaven's gates close
I'd rather feel carnal pleasures
And be labeled defiant
Then let my soul wither
Forever longing, but silent
As I stand before Saint Peter
You can tear off my angel wings
But I'll feel no shame
Blessed with a devil's kiss
I won't trade individuality
For the illusion of salvation
Because there’s nothing wrong with passion and ecstasy
Between consenting adults
3) Jade Green Eyes
A carnal pilgrimage
To the kingdom of pleasure
Where morals disappear
Beneath vanity and lust
Jade green eyes
And serpent like thighs
Pulling me in-
Deeper and deeper
Pulling me down-
Into the flames
Angels cry in sorrow-
As our souls descend to the second level
Among demons and lost souls
I taste your cherry red lips
And we make love
Angels shed tears-
For those lost to sins of the flesh
Angels shed tears-
For those condemned, for crawling from bed to bed
For slithering from lover to lover
Angels wept-
But in the fiery passion of your kiss
We’ve burned those words we we’re told on Sunday
And I’ve realized that devils are more fun
4) Crimes of Passion
His Judas Kiss made me orgasm
As we fucked on the Ides of March
I wrapped my legs around his back, pulling him in closer
As I moaned in pleasure, he said “I love you”
I knew he was a liar
Insincere words, and empty promises
I’d carelessly given my heart away
Sadly, I found that he had many lovers
Something had to be done
The knife smoothly pierced his back
A sweet mix of surprise, pleasure, and pain
I could see the life draining out of him, as he stared at me in disbelief
I spoke the only words that came to mind
“I love you too, sweetheart”
Jabble's Poetry
Re: Jabble's Poetry
Well hello there.
By feedback do you mean critique or just some general comments?
----
I'm going to choose the forth poem - Crimes of Passion
oh by the way take anything that I say with a grain of salt - I've only been playing at this for the last year or so what your getting here is a novices thoughts and opinions.
His Judas Kiss made me orgasm (Well an orgasm in the first line certainly captures my attention. I'm not sure that I like the actual word orgasm here though, it seems a bit sterile. I like how you’ve used Judas Kiss )
As we fucked on the Ides of March (This is a good line. I like the suspense. A Judas Kiss, Ides of March – seems dangerous, what’s going to happen?)
I wrapped my legs around his back, pulling him in closer (N is wrapping N's legs around his back which suggests N in a submissive position (I think) but then s/he pulls him closer which suggests that N is really the one in control probably without his knowledge. Gotta like that. )
As I moaned in pleasure, he said “I love you”
I knew he was a liar. ( you still have my interest )
Insincere words, and empty promises
I’d carelessly given my heart away
Sadly, I found that he had many lovers
Something had to be done
Is there some way you could keep showing us, not just tell us about it.
The knife smoothly pierced his back (where did the knife come from? – maybe you could foreshadow the knife – perhaps a glint of silver tucked in someplace.)
A sweet mix of surprise, pleasure, and pain
I could see the life draining out of him, as he stared at me in disbelief
I spoke the only words that came to mind
“I love you too, sweetheart”
to be honest, for me, the end didn't have the same zip as the beginning.
end note - I know that I had asked you first what type of feedback you wanted and then didn't wait for your response but your poem turned out to be my lunch date for today, at least it was interesting company.
edited to soften my language a bit
By feedback do you mean critique or just some general comments?
----
I'm going to choose the forth poem - Crimes of Passion
oh by the way take anything that I say with a grain of salt - I've only been playing at this for the last year or so what your getting here is a novices thoughts and opinions.
His Judas Kiss made me orgasm (Well an orgasm in the first line certainly captures my attention. I'm not sure that I like the actual word orgasm here though, it seems a bit sterile. I like how you’ve used Judas Kiss )
As we fucked on the Ides of March (This is a good line. I like the suspense. A Judas Kiss, Ides of March – seems dangerous, what’s going to happen?)
I wrapped my legs around his back, pulling him in closer (N is wrapping N's legs around his back which suggests N in a submissive position (I think) but then s/he pulls him closer which suggests that N is really the one in control probably without his knowledge. Gotta like that. )
As I moaned in pleasure, he said “I love you”
I knew he was a liar. ( you still have my interest )
Insincere words, and empty promises
I’d carelessly given my heart away
Sadly, I found that he had many lovers
Something had to be done
Is there some way you could keep showing us, not just tell us about it.
The knife smoothly pierced his back (where did the knife come from? – maybe you could foreshadow the knife – perhaps a glint of silver tucked in someplace.)
A sweet mix of surprise, pleasure, and pain
I could see the life draining out of him, as he stared at me in disbelief
I spoke the only words that came to mind
“I love you too, sweetheart”
to be honest, for me, the end didn't have the same zip as the beginning.
end note - I know that I had asked you first what type of feedback you wanted and then didn't wait for your response but your poem turned out to be my lunch date for today, at least it was interesting company.
edited to soften my language a bit
Last edited by Cate on Wed Mar 04, 2009 9:16 pm, edited 3 times in total.
Re: Jabble's Poetry
Hello Jabble, that is a great introduction and should stand as a lesson to many of our recent posters/dumpsters. I will be back later and try to comment helpfully.
love
Sue
love
Sue
yeah, well, errrrm, hum, yeah, ok, I dunno, articulation is not my fing, who cares, SHUT IT YOU MUPPET, blah blah blah
Re: Jabble's Poetry
Cate, thanks so much for your feedback. I always appreciate constructive criticism.