Welcome to you who read me today.

[abby]

This poem was a Christmas gift, but I finished it in a little bit of a hurry and wasn't ever really pleased with it. Is ancient pine a cliche? green bud? Is it melodramatic to say that I bow my head to her heart?

While I sleep she has performed a tiny miracle:
there she is out among the horses,
throwing squares of hay at their hunger.
She smells like mother-of-pearl,
is stubborn like I am,
but stronger, and more honest.
She has come through the fire of darling and family,
and I bow my head to her heart.
I am green bud
next to her ancient pine.

[lizzytysh]

Hi Abby ~

I don't know who she is, except she sounds like she could be your daughter, except... surely, you're not that old.

I like very much how you've used green bud and ancient pine. If they were cliche before [and I don't know that they were], they don't seem it now.

Simply put, I really like this very sweet and meaningful tribute to whomever she is... thanks for posting it.


~ Lizzy
xox

[abby]

Lizzy, you're so goddamned generous it's crazy.

I'm nearly 30 so she could be my daughter, but she's not. It's fascinating to me that you'd see the relationship that way- it hadn't crossed my mind that that could be an interpretation. But then, I wrote the thing and I didn't entertain it outside my own context : ) She's my girlfriend.

[lizzytysh]

Hi Abby ~

You do not look 30... and that's even allowing for how time and age begin to blur what we perceive in terms of age and being able to guess another's. After awhile, it can be easier to say, "S/he appears younger than me" or "S/he appears older than me." Still, even though I'd have no problem giving you the former, you still do not look 30. Time and age having altered my perceptions that much!

I considered that it might be your girlfriend, too; yet, there was an unadulterated adoration of and recognition of strength that a mother might see in her daughter, who's already experienced more of life than she ought to have at her age.

Okay. That's the age matter taken care of. Now, for the poem itself. It's a frameable love poem. I hope she does that. It's a beautiful tribute of deep appreciation.

Thanks so much for sharing it, Abby.


~ Lizzy

[Cate]

Hi Abby when I first read your poem I thought it could be about a Mother or an older lover, someone who helps guide you.

I don't really know if ancient pine is a cliche, but I do know it's a good metaphor especially for a Christmas poem. Even if it were a cliche would it really matter (shhh... ) I keep reading the advice, think of the intended audience you are writing for - Well your intended audience was your girlfriend and I highly suspect that you hit the mark dead on.

I like the imagery that you have used as well as the tenderness that comes through. I bow my head to her heart , that's lovely.

The line that makes me curious is, She has come through the fire of darling and family
I might be completely off, but in my mind I see darling as that role that gets imposed on us - be nice, be sweet, be quiet ... and that come through the fire of darling might mean that she's overcome that.

I'm glad you posted this Abby, I enjoyed it.

Cate

[lizzytysh]

Thanks so much, Cate, for being specific in your comments [not that you're not usually because you are ]. It's something that I generally do, too; if I can't critique it technically [which I RARELY can], I give substance to why I liked/didn't care for particular passages, being specific with what resonates with me or might resonate with the intended recipient. It's much more helpful than the couple overview comments that I made here... and I enjoyed reading your response to it. I agree with what you've said and felt a couple of things you said, myself; but didn't mention them. Dang it .


~ Lizzy