A February Evening

[Deelyn]

A February Evening

On a near steaming February evening
I sat in front of the Master
Many strangers filling the rows surrounding me
But he only sang to me, to me whose eyes he could not see
in the darkened arena
His thoughts in verse and music like tentacles stroked my mind and heart
He with the golden voice accompanied by angels sublime,
lifted me to the heavens, lowered me to the bells on earth
I could see the cracks where the light gets in.

I was enclosed in his arms strong, warm and full of love
Taken from myself to share the stories of others
Although one of the many there I felt the kisses deep
I wept for my husband buried long ago bound with love as
graceful and green as a stem
I could touch the silence that encompassed mass respect as he spoke to me.

His demeanor humbled by his notable appreciation for those he shared the spotlight with engorged my soul and made my body throb
For each and every one a master in their own right playing as a whole entity
My body vibrated to the strand of strings and floated to the haunting melody of
the saxophones breathe.
My heart thumped strong and loud as fingers wise bought the key boards to life
The timekeeper enthralled me as the backbeat of the drums found my toes tapping.

Hallelujahs spilled from my lips as I stood before my Lord of Song
I listen as he sang, I applauded it all and I called for more.
He answered me with encores four
Then with a bow a dip of his hat a wave from his hand he skipped
into the darkness
This enigmatic man was gone but I can still see him, hear him and feel his music
within me.


Deelyn (Lyndee)

7/2/09

[Manna]

Since you're new -
before I reply - do you want this piece workshopped?
Keep in mind, before you reply, I only got to line 4 before I replied to ask.

[Deelyn]

Hi Manna,
Before i committ to my peice being workshopped... can you explian the process..as i am very new to this.

Cheers

[lazariuk]

Hi Manna,
Before i committ to my peice being workshopped... can you explian the process..as i am very new to this.
Cheers

I think she is asking to see if you are open to having people with some kind of experience with such things try to not only appreciate what you wrote but also to venture into the area of maybe suggesting better ways of saying what you are trying to say.

There are risks involved.

- you may get discouraged to learn that you are being misunderstood.
- you may be offended that people are seeing your mistakes.
- you may consider that people can see things in what you write that show something about yourself that you did not intend to show.
- you may find that people are not always kind and that one person's kind comments may open the door for those who are not as kind.
She may be wanting to know if you feel resilient enough and if the subject is not too sensitive that it would cause you pain if one were critical of it.

Some people do not take too well to having to respond to requests for clarity. As an example it might very well be your intention to leave people guessing as to whether or not you really meant to write angles or was it a misspelling of angels.

I personally think that you should encourage Manna to workshop your poem as she is very good at it and also she is very kind by natural inclination.

Jack

[lazariuk]

He with the golden voice accompanied by angles sublime,

By the way I personally like that line just the way it is. It occasions me to associate the use of "golden voice" with a vast range of other gold
golden ratio
golden mean
golden section
golden rectangle

all of them making use of angles

[Deelyn]

Thank you for your responses,

Please note I did make an error and "angels" is what I mant to write it is now corrected.
The use of the word "angles" did change the meaning giving that line a sharpness I did intend to be there.

I am open for suggestions and peoples thoughts, I have been writing poetry for years but rarely do I allow many to view my work so this will be
interesting, fun and above all I hope to gain from others knowledge.

Deelyn

[lizzytysh]

Dear Deelyn ~

Even as there are areas in your poem that can be improved, I love how you've selected this way of honouring Leonard's singing to us all, as we perceive and feel it personally. You've chosen a beautiful way of conveying that. I love how you've expressed your abiding love for your husband and I am sorry he's no longer with you.

The suggestions you get on your poem from here will mostly [and, hopefully, entirely] be well-intended and good ones.

Now, let's [not me; them and you] get down to work .

Thanks for sharing your poem. It's quite a step going from your private notebooks to the worldwide web.


~ Lizzy

[Manna]

Hi Deelyn.

Work-shopping is for people who want to improve the craft of their poetry. Other people look at your poem and point out all of its faults (like cliches, ill-turned phrases, self-centered writing), and if there are any, its strengths (interesting comparisons, tidy line breaks).

Work-shopping should never be taken personally - it's about the poem, not the poet. Beautiful, wonderful, happy people write poems, but the poet's lovely heart doesn't necessarily make him a good poet.

As an example, if you don't want work-shopping, I would sigh & say, "Yeah, Leonard is an awesome presence, isn't he?"
If you do want work-shopping, I would say, "You need to learn what a cliché is and how to avoid them in your poetry."

[Byron]

A February Evening

On a near steaming February evening
I sat in front of the Master
Many strangers filling the rows surrounding me
But he only sang to me, to me whose eyes he could not see
in the darkened arena
His thoughts in verse and music like tentacles stroked my mind and heart
He with the golden voice accompanied by angels sublime,
lifted me to the heavens, lowered me to the bells on earth
I could see the cracks where the light gets in.


Deelyn (Lyndee)

7/2/09

Hello, just a suggestion or three. Keeping the mood and atmosphere (weather and mentally) around you.

It was humid, and close, people enjoined beneath him
That voice, blind to my sight
Lightened me, soulwards
Lifted me heavenwards, carried me churchwards.

[lizzytysh]

[An aside to Byron ~ you seem to have left out the mentalwards.]


~ Lizzy

[Deelyn]

Manna,

I would be most interested to recieve your thoughts on what has been written
cliche' and all.

When the student is ready to learn the teacher will appear

Saaid

I would like for you to read some of the other poems I have written (but another day they are not going anywhere)

Deelyn (Lyndee)

PS

Lizzy thank you for your kind comments.

[Manna]

On a near steaming February evening
I sat in front of the Master
Many strangers filling the rows surrounding me
But he only sang to me, to me whose eyes he could not see
in the darkened arena
His thoughts in verse and music like tentacles stroked my mind and heart
He with the golden voice accompanied by angels sublime,
lifted me to the heavens, lowered me to the bells on earth
I could see the cracks where the light gets in.

A steamy evening is a cliché, even when you modify with 'near' which doesn't make sense anyway.

Unless you happen to be bestest friends with Leonard, this first strophe seems more insulting to Leonard than it is a tribute. Was he really singing only to you? Was he in any way aware of you personally? What you're really expressing is how it felt for you, but you're assuming the attention was mutual, which is pretty self-centered. At most, I expect (of course I could be wrong) at the very most, it's possible if you were near the front and the stage lights weren't too bright, that he made eye-contact with you and possibly smiled. (That happened to me once at a show, not with Leonard though. Of course, I swooned.) Journal entry stuff - you're not writing for the reader.

Tentacles - eww. Brings to mind octopi, squids and other gelatinous sea creatures.

When Leonard sings of his "golden voice" he does it self-deprecatingly. To then turn that phrase and have someone else use it is a little other-deprecating. I think you mean it as a compliment, but the feigned familiarity is a risk you've taken in interpretation. Something I've gotten in trouble for too.

If this is a poem, it already relies on the best lines coming from something someone else wrote.

Do you want me to go on to the end?

[imaginary friend]

Hi Manna and Deelyn,

Manna, I know Deelyn asked for your crit, and you are doing an honest and respectful job of it.

Just one thing I wanted to suggest:
Deelyn wrote: 'A near steaming evening', not 'steamy'. I understood that to mean she was watching the Melbourne concert, and the temperature there is hovering around 40 degrees Celsius, which is pretty close to steaming hot!

[Deelyn]

Hi Manna and Imaginary friend,

Is there a reason you think I would not want you to go on to the end?

I am strong and know how I felt at this particular concert, however as I have the right of reply .............

"Self centred" (interesting) you are the first person to ever call me that and I am over half a century old.
As to the steamyness of the evening had it been much more humid it would have rained inside the arena or caught fire.

Imaginary friend .......You are very correct it was in Melbourne and two days later the temperature in and around Melbourne
reached 45 C and higher, thus the countryside side is burning, hundreds of lives lost. Mr Cohen has in the last 24 hours made a huge financial gift to the fire relief fund.

As for him singing only to me had you spoken to dozens of the concert goers as I did you would understand that even in such a large arena he gave the sence of it being an extremly personal and very intimate performance. Of course I am expressing how he made me feel. I too have been many a concert where supposed (perceived) eye contact has been made with me by the singer, but in reality when Mr Cohen sings he mainly has he eyes shut he is seeing very little

Octopi can been very tender creatures and in no way cold and slimy. However I could have written ~ His thoughts in verse and music like a wispy vapours permeated my mind and heart~.

He with the Golden voice. Mr Cohen has one of the most amazing voices I have ever heard. I use it as a complement and nothing more.
I think my right of reply has now ended for this session.
I hope you continue this has been a rather delightful experience thus far.

Please let us continue our workshopping.

Deelyn.

[Manna]

As I said, the things I write about your poem aren't about you, they're about your poem. I have no reason to think you are self-centered person. Rather than more accurately spell out that the voice of the poem is self-centered, I simply used the word 'you.' I apologize for failing to make the distinction. I don't know the first thing about you, and can only respond to what has been written here.

I am pleased that you're taking this so well. My review so far has been pretty scathing, and again, since I don't know anything about you, I don't know how thick-skinned you are, so I thought I'd check and see how you're doing. Being thick-skinned isn't the only thing necessary on your part for the improvement of your poetry. It is also necessary for you to want to improve, and to accept the information given by reviewers. That doesn't mean I'm saying, "I'm perfect and right." I write my share of drivel, and I am far from expert level for either reviewing or writing. But this is at the very least how one person reads and sees what you've written.

Re: cliché:
Being true doesn't make something not cliché. Clichés are generally clichés because they have a lot of truth. Many people can identify with clichés, and many use them all day long in their speech. Have you seen "Throw Mama from the Train"? One of the strings in the movie served to show me once and for all that any evening/night/dusk that is hot/steamy/steaming/moist/warm/wet/sultry is a cliché.