Seashell

[Cate]

Egoless is not still running, although they have some great links and tons of information.
They still make you do a test if you want to join, but then nothing happens.
I'm sure I did okay on the test because I cheated.

[mickey_one]

Egoless is not still running, although they have some great links and tons of information.
They still make you do a test if you want to join, but then nothing happens.
I'm sure I did okay on the test because I cheated.

your post sickens me. in these times of economic restraints, climate change, and widespread dog rationing you casually post that you did ok because you cheated. what arrogance. how do you know you cheated sucesssfully? what experience do you have on cheating. although we have never spoken and I know nothing about your personal life I am convinced you are the kindly senior citizen type who would never have cheated within your domestic life, not in relationships, not in adding ready prepared ingredients to some stew you present to your Dinner Guests as "home-made", not in some Academic major competition or Arts prize etc. and yet you are convinced that you are a good enough cheat to crash some poetry site.

oh, yes- easy for you to say in your desperate attempt to attain notoriety.

so, let's see. here in public I intend to expose you

THE CATE "OH, LOOK WHAT A WONDERFUL CHEAT I AM EVERYONE" RIGOROUS PUBLIC EXPOSURE EXERCISE

how did you do in finding a rhyme for the following words

doorhinge -answer "orange"
hello I must be going- answer "hello, my name is Leonard Cohen"
I would like to be up Mount Baldy- answer "I would like to mount baldy"
what an awful dirge- answer "that awful Bird on the Wire must be purged"

and so on.

how many did you get right, you bragging cheater?

Cate, J'accuse- tu es la Cheateress de la Newbie.

[Violet]

I know it was just a random rhyming example, but I still have to defend Bird on a Wire, my lord. A dirge? perhaps... but then it might well be made the anthem of the International Gravediggers Union, if there is such a thing, and there's nothing wrong in that... besides, isn't Chris Christopherson going to put the first four lines of that song on his gravestone?... WHICH GIVES ME AN IDEA... check for a new thread on this... v.

much much later edit: it's spelled: Kris Kristofferson.. yikes.. how wrong can you get.. I at least changed it much earlier on the epitaph thread..

[Cate]

You know about the stew? who told you about the stew <nervously darts eyes back and forth>

As far as cheating - of course I cheated successfully whats the point of cheating if you don't. I would like to point out that it did not say 'please don't cheat' in the rules - so I did nothing wrong, unlike your rhymes (doorhinge does not rhyme with orange! That's just weird. )

[mickey_one]

You know about the stew? who told you about the stew )

Cate cheated with Stew
she didn't know I knew
but Stew told me about you
and everything you do
he claimed some of your positions were new
anatomically possible for only a gifted few
was the stuff he told me true?

[madflowers]

"And some of its stories
are lies and some are the honest truth
and some I'm not even sure
I really heard"

[mickey_one]

"And some of its stories
are lies and some are the honest truth
and some I'm not even sure
I really heard"

ahhh, do not please provoke me by quoting "honest truth" or it will be back to scathing critique .

[madflowers]

ahhhhh the moment has passed. It would have no effect now

[mickey_one]

I know it was just a random rhyming example, but I still have to defend Bird on a Wire, my lord. A dirge? perhaps... but then it might well be made the anthem of the International Gravediggers Union, if there is such a thing, and there's nothing wrong in that... besides, isn't Chris Christopherson going to put the first four lines of that song on his gravestone?... WHICH GIVES ME AN IDEA... check for a new thread on this... v.

do not ever defend in my presence the Bird.

off to check your epitaph thread

[Virginia]

Ego is not a problem Mickey-1.
My point was that a critique is useless to the writer if she or he cannot read it.
So feel free to repost.
Another thing that I find odd here, being a recent arrival, is the way almost every thread in this area gets hijacked into banter between half a dozen or so regulars who post on every poem but rarely about the poem.
I have no problem with banter but it becomes a little pointless when every thread is turned into variations on the same conversation between those people (I guess you know who you are )
That's my little gripe for now.
And it isn't that I want everything to focus on a particular poem but rather that the "banter" (if you say so) is quite predictable.

[Manna]

Hello, Virginia.

If you want a more seriously poetry-oriented poetry site, I advise you to have a gander at http://www.emergingpoets.com

They house a handful of decent poets with a broad range of experience and expertise, but the community isn't so big as to be pointless.

I must go for now for my daughter is dancing in the kitchen to The Star of the County Down, and I must go love the fair Colleen of the nut brown hair.

[Cate]

Seashell

It keeps whispering,
even when I'm not listening,
whispering something
to someone else,
telling sad secrets,
here on the shore between life and eternity.

And some of its stories
are lies and some are the honest truth
and some I'm not even sure
I really heard.
But it never stops its whispering,
here on the shore between eternity and life.

Seashell

It keeps whispering,
(even) when I'm not listening,
whispering (something) - something seems a bit weak
to someone else,
telling sad secrets,
here on the shore between life and eternity.

First part - it's okay, nice I'd say; it has a soothing feel that matches it's subject. There is a mysterious feel here. Suggestion - try removing some of the extra words and see how it feels to you.

(And) some (of its) stories
are lies and some are (the honest) truth
(and) some I'm not (even) sure
I (really) heard.
(But) it never stops (its) whispering,
here on the shore between eternity and life.

In second stanza I really got stuck on honest truth - I stopped thinking about the poem and started thinking about if there was any other kind of truth. I like the repetition of the the last line, for me it adds strength to the poem and it is a good line.

-------------------------------------------------------------------
Edited to remove the more bitchy, defensive portion - I said, I think they were read, no need to let these words linger.

[Manna]

To say "honest truth" is a cliché, and a silly one at that, but it does lend some voice.

Seashell

It keeps whispering,
even when I'm not listening,
whispering something
to someone else,
telling sad secrets,
here on the shore between life and eternity.

And some of its stories
are lies and some are the honest truth
and some I'm not even sure
I really heard.
But it never stops its whispering,
here on the shore between eternity and life.

I think you should take some time and describe the sound in the seashell, and use that description to insinuate and/or elicit an emotion. It's an interesting idea to attribute speech to the white noise of a seashell, but you have to have a reason that works, and that reason might be to whom the seashell talks and/or what he says. Why is a seashell the best thing to attribute with what you're saying (if that is clear)? You see, you wouldn't stand in your room with no other people involved in the situation, holding your conch and saying, "Stop talking about me, you." That's just craziness.

The shore between life and eternity could be a good line, but I can't say I like it. Maybe because it hasn't been built up to the point where you get to invoke eternity.

Dear Cate,

Peacock.

[Cate]

The shore between life and eternity could be a good line, but I can't say I like it. Maybe because it hasn't been built up to the point where you get to invoke eternity.

I'm not really sure, do you comment on comments or does just the author comment on them?
Regardless, I think Manna has made a good point regarding build up, it is a good line but it might need a little extra support.

-----------------------------------------------------------

edited due to changed mind, no longer wish arms

[mat james]

Don't take too much notice of Manna's advice.
She hasn't yet discovered the "poet" within.
(Or she chooses to forget.)
She falls/leaps from some other space where one (she) supposes that poetry can be "cooked up", like a cake or a chemical formula.

Poetry has little to do with trying to be "clever".
Poetry is a response to life
an emanation from within,
distilled.


MatJ