Paula's Muffin Wars Part 1 - The Great Bun Fight

Ben Kelly · Post by **Ben Kelly** » Fri Aug 29, 2003 7:14 pm

Paula’s Muffin Wars Part 1 - The Great Bun Fight

Warning, Red Alert. Red Alert
Take cover, take care
Roll-up, News Headline, Latest
The 1st Muffin War
Has just been declared.

The Military Attaché /Envoy of the Muffs
Baron Blingy Blongy, Epic Man
Yesterday at Tea O’clock
Declared War on the Muffins
The Muffins had no other options
But to defend their culture, tradition and honour
Sent a division of Monty Python’s army in
To bat after Tea with Muffins
(Same old satirical surreal strategy, eh )

First reports confirm that the Muffs are
Military Tin-Box Cream Crackers
Who will soon be, yes will soon be
First dunked then completely cream crackered.
Sir Basil Fawlty at GCHQ
Put on standby, Dad’s Army
Knowing the Muffs are barmy
‘Any Muff is a twerp’
No whistling men, just war-work

NATO called the UN Secretary General
Ms Paula, Ms Paula please intervene
There’s only Muffins left for Her Majesty the Queen
But Bath Buns, Chelsea Buns and Belgium Buns
Each with sovereign interests to protect
But Belgium would prefer a delegation from the EU

The German Black Forest Gateau, chocolate surprise
Was to say there more profit in peace, ethics lies
The French Patisserie said we are the pastry elite
The Muffin is only boulangere cousine
Swiss Roll and Just Roll, Just rolled over
National Neutrality is our speciality
The Italians are sending a shipment of Pizzas
The Austrian are air lifting more apple Strudel

The Jews are as angry as hell
This war is totally anti-Semitic
My life, on my children’s life
I’ve got a business to sell
And nobody but nobody
Has even mentioned the Bagel
Have you heard the Muffin Man
Making War down your way
The Carnage of the ‘Eating Fields’
The belligerent Muffs never go away
The Aussie God Bless them
Have lost the plot and the place
Are throwing Veggie Burger
In everyone’s face
The French are still debating
What the Muffins are doing
Its al Roast Beef, Roast Beef
And inflated Yorkshire Puddings

The War continued to progress
Until late afternoon
When a man on a hill banged a drum
Shouting ‘Tea-up. Tea-Up'
And the Muffins disappeared.
The Muffs had been out manoeuvred
Out-thought, out-fought and flanked

Remember men our resolve
We are made of the same stuff as English Mustard
Don’t start going Flakey,
Never, never, No Flakey Pastry

More Munitions faster and faster
The Bakeries are working flat-out
The Muffs propaganda machine said
Churchill ate jam tarts
Wrong that was the Queen of Heats
Personally I prefer toasted tea-cakes.
Left to cool with a dish of hard butter
But protect the Muffin from Just War terrorists
The kwon meat pies like proving
Their macho, beefy and like a good fight
But today lets call it a night
Muffins want justice and dignity
Not 'Just War' comparisons and
Other ludicrous analogies

We take ourselves very seriously
True these are truly difficult times
There has been many Bun Fights
All over this troubled planet
And there will be Bun Fights in the future
And some in restaurants
But please show restraint
Please, no custard Pies
(NB Muff does have a very true and English meaning)

paula_hansen · Post by **paula_hansen** » Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:18 pm

To those who would be taken in by this heretical posturing and empty cakeing I know that our Lord could choose between muffins and a Just War, and the contrast with Mr Kelly could not be.

linmag · Post by **linmag** » Sat Aug 30, 2003 2:20 pm

Hello, Ben, and a belated welcome to the forum. Might I suggest that you read the thread "Is Leonard for hire" in the Comments and Questions section. Judging by the lovely humour above, I think you would enjoy it.

Paula · Post by **Paula** » Sat Aug 30, 2003 3:00 pm

Hi Ben - I was gonna comment on the English meaning of muff but in the interests of decency I refrained.

Byron · Post by **Byron** » Sat Aug 30, 2003 4:43 pm

Muffins may come and Muffins may go
I have the answer to prevent all this woe
Take a large Spanish onion
And boil for an hour
Cut into to two, but before you devour
Spread oodles of butter across the flat top
Lie back on your couch and the truth you will find
A feast for the tum and taste the sublime.

Muffins aren't the only fruit !!!!

I think Matron and Albert have been talking behind my back.
I distincly heard the word 'thickets' mentioned. Actually, I may be wrong. They could have said 'thick-head,' but I've no idea who they were talking about.

Beware, to all who enter the Hiring of lc Thread. There are ambushes around every corner for the unwary. The am used to be indigenous to outer, upper, nether Pratts Bottom, but 18th century haughty cultourists stole several cuttings and took them to wait to be examined in Queue Gardens in Londinium. Years later when they reached to front of the Kew, the ams had changed into several different hues, which now means that the unwary could be attacked by a variety of pleasingly displayed ambushes. You have been warned. Never go to the 'Is Leonard for Hire' Thread. Horrors beyond the nightmares of Heretics Avatar will swamp you and suck you in to the Syrups of Wrath.
Bugger! Matron's just seen me typing this. I have to flea. (metamorphosis, is my next to middle name)
Where did I hide my tablets?

Byron · Post by **Byron** » Sat Aug 30, 2003 4:51 pm

Lest the uninformed disbelieve the existence of 'Pratts Bottom,' may I guide you to any of the internet search engines and you can interrogate them to establish that Pratts Bottom is a small village to the South East of London. Isn't the Truth strange when its true?

Jo · Post by Jo » Sun Aug 31, 2003 11:15 am

Byron, the notion that Spanish onions may be devoured successfully with syrup has now entered my esteemed espouse's head.

I shudder to even contemplate the pirate's thoughts on this matter and I certainly hope Clayton Claw Cleaver Clementine of the Three Glands doesn't find this thread - the excitement would be too much and he would not be able to contain himself (within the thicket that is).
Jo

Paula · Post by **Paula** » Sun Aug 31, 2003 12:40 pm

Pratts Bottom is not too far from here. England has some lovely named places.

Byron · Post by **Byron** » Sun Aug 31, 2003 1:08 pm

Paula, thanks for the confirmation of the name. We have two villages near here. One is 'Peover,' and the other is 'Lower Peover.' I'm not sure if height restrictions apply for tenancy agreements.

Pete · Post by **Pete** » Sun Aug 31, 2003 2:04 pm

I drove to Shropshire yesterday and encountered a village called Loggerheads.

I think I've been at Loggerheads before

Pete

George.Wright · Post by **George.Wright** » Mon Sep 01, 2003 10:47 am

Ben, an epic poem
what more can i say
it's only comparison being Willy Wonka and the chocolate factory
to be the antithesis of the Muff..........
keep up the good work
Best regards.......................Georges

Ben Kelly · Post by **Ben Kelly** » Wed Sep 03, 2003 7:27 pm

Linmag

I will definitely follow up the suggested reading material.

Thanks for your comments

Ben

Ben Kelly · Post by **Ben Kelly** » Sat Sep 13, 2003 7:09 pm

Paula

The whole (Grain ) point was that we are discussing buns not cakes. which I never eat. However a mouth-watering bun is something more serious than a mere treat. This is the SPICE (BUN ) of life to me.

Buns are more fun
Just wars are just Dumb

Kind regards

Ben