The Gifts of Men (1)

[Manna]

Soldier

The one I didn’t marry
had hair like a black mushroom cloud
around a stalk of face and neck,
and the kind of walk where a man
will fling his leg out from the hip
as if it’s to be brought from the holster
of past steps and put to more use

shooting forward. I could have married
a man like that - who spoke to a female
poodle in falsetto as he roughed her curls
and her shaven velvet back.

We drove up Howe Hill in his rusty pick-up,
spread a blanket, watched a meteor shower.
I had to look indirectly as he pointed
to see space junk and the satellites.

We almost made love that night
but the stars were too nervous,
and the blanket too naked.
================================================


The one I didn’t marry
pointed, and made me look aslant
to see how space junk
differed from satellite.

His hair was a black mushroom cloud
around a stalk of face and neck,
he had the kind of walk where a man
will fling his leg out from the hip
as if it’s to be brought from the holster
of past steps and put to more use

shooting forward. I could have married
a man like that - who spoke to a female
poodle in falsetto as he roughed her curls
and her shaven velvet back.

We almost made love that night
but the stars were too nervous,
and the car too naked.

[mickey_one]

I like lots of this Manna and you write as if these events are real. The first verse is a wee bit overburdened with long words and doesn't run quite as smoothly as the rest but overall, well done!

[lizzytysh]

I was just thinking what I wanted to say about this and returned to find that mickey_one already had.

It's funny how tastes can vary. I noticed the longer words [indirectly differentiating satellite] and really liked them, thinking about a different kind of poetry that allows for them. They're integral to the scene being described and I liked how they gave the reader credit for being able to deal with them. As always, very evocative, and I like this a lot. Your last line expresses more than one aspect and I like that.




~ Lizzy

[mickey_one]

It's funny how tastes can vary. I noticed the longer words [indirectly differentiating satellite] and really liked them, thinking about a different kind of poetry that allows for them. They're integral to the scene being described and I liked how they gave the reader credit for being able to deal with them. As always, very evocative, and I like this a lot. Your last line expresses more than one aspect and I like that.


~ Lizzy

long words stretch the rhythm not the reader. unusual, obscure, or "difficult" words give "the reader credit" perhaps. their meaning may be integral but there's alway another way of expressing the meaning you want.

[Manna]

As usual, some of this is real, and some isn't. He was never a soldier, but I had the exaggerated images of mushroom cloud and the gun-walk without having earned them, so I decided to turn him into a soldier. Also, I could never have married any of these, as he is a composite of about 3 or 4.

I want to keep satellite, but yeah, indirectly and differentiating can be re-thought. But not right now - I need to pour a gel & check this RNA.

[lizzytysh]

Yesh, I know what you're saying. I was thinking how "differentiate" was such a strong word for exactly what it is that you're so often required to do when looking at the night sky. I see what you mean about the rhythm, though. When I read it, it wasn't in a reading-aloud way. That kinda crept in, but mostly it was for meaning that I was reading, rather than a rhyming, rhythmic exercise. I still like it the way it is, but would be interested to see how Manna might go with an alternative for the bigger words.


~ Lizzy

[Manna]

is the title ok?
i can't decide if it's ok. it started as mid-summer on golden hill
(pls forgive non-caps induced by 1-handed typing.)

[lizzytysh]

Don't know who you're asking, Manna... however, I prefer the latter. It really flows poetically and it actually makes more sense [to me] than "Mid-Soldier," which I let pass, but wondered what that meant. With your poem being evocative, the latter also causes me to think of the title "Midsummer Night's Dream." Looking at the night sky with a friend like that is kinda dreamy. It just seems to fit better all the way around.


~ Lizzy

[William]

Simplify for best results. Truly!
You have lost the feeling in the construct.
The last verse works because it has an honesty that's missing in the rest of the piece.

God bless,
William

[Manna]

Ewwww! I would never intentionally make anyone think of Midsummer Night's Dream. So sorry!!!!

The last verse is the very most dishonest part, relying on personification of celestial bodies and a backseat in place of humanly owning nervousness and nakedness.

ps. I like this title even less.

[lizzytysh]

ps. I like this title even less.

Haha. So do I. It's getting to be almost downright generic now. How did the hill get to be golden, anyway; in the middle of the night? Actually, the hill or its being golden aren't even mentioned in the poem. Is that ["Golden Hill"] the common name of a hill you've known, or is that a metaphor for something in the context of the poem?

You're forgiven for reminding me of the classic .


~ Lizzy

[Manna]

I was thinking of doing a series on the gifts men have given me. This one could go in there, just numbered or something, maybe named after the main character this is based on - Shawn - the one who taught me satellite/space junk.

added later -
I used to live on Golden Hill in Humphrey, NY. It's a town so small it hasn't even its own school, and not a single red light. Golden Hill makes a triangle out there with Howe Hill and Chapel Hill. (Chapel is not a part of a church, even though there is an old church at the bottom of the hill; it's a family's name, and they pronounced it with a long A - Chay-puhl.) Of these three, Chapel is the only one with a paved road. I considered naming it with Howe Hill, which wouldn't insinuate anything to the reader except a hill with a name, maybe where the stars can be seen clearly. Out there in the middle of East Lost Nowhere, you can see the stars almost every night.

[lizzytysh]

Thanks for the back story, Manna. That helps.

Out there in the middle of East Lost Nowhere, you can see the stars almost every night.

Those areas tend to be remarkably beautiful, regardless of how the ground area looks. Most of your time is spent looking at the immensity of the phenomenal sky.


~ Lizzy

[William]

Manna,
Some serious (in the sense of literary seriousness) questions -
If the last verse is"dishonest" why are you posting the piece here - why not finish it first to the best of your ability?
Why are you expecting us to read and take your work seriously if it's dishonest in a literary sense?
I really don't understand why someone posting something they value (as opposed to doggerel) would have that attitude about their own work?

I'm not even sure what our explanation means. Can you clarify,please?

God bless,
William

[~greg]

is the title ok?
i can't decide if it's ok. it started as mid-summer on golden hill

No, it's not ok.
Or not for anyone who's seen "On Golden Pond".

And generally you have to watch out for personal references like that.
They are what make great poets great. Great poets incessantly
- almost exclusively - use personal references. But they express them
in such a way that they make perfect sense on their own, without
needing footnotes. Footnotes may add to the reader's appreciation,
but they should never be required.

I don't know how people like LC do it. It's a gift.
But I am sure they constantly stand back from the work
and look at it objectively, as if someone else had written it.

~~

I think there's a subliminal thingy going on in the poem.

to see how space junk
differed from satellite

-- some of the men being "space junk"
and others being "satellites".

Putting aside the metaphor of a satellite revolving
in worship around a planet (-ie -you, or is that what you're really looking for?)
--your judgments of men do seem to swing wildly from
"junk", to "satellites" (in the sense that
"things like that drive me out of my mind"
- Lou Reed, "Satellite of Love",
- which was a pathetic song, -but that's what it was supposed to be,
- but does that excuse it? )

That is to say, you swing wildly from dising, to deference,
with nothing in between. And that's being too much dependent.

You are a beautiful sensitive intelligent woman.
You know more than 9 out of 10 men.
And Hillary has liberated you. So you don't have to care
anymore what men think or say or "joke" about women
at work or school. They are just "stars" who are "too nervous".
You know it perfectly well that that's all that's at the root of the evil.
So act like you know it.