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Jimmy O'Connell
Posts: 881
Joined: Thu Aug 17, 2006 10:14 pm
Location: Ireland

Re: "Describing a Limn"

Post by Jimmy O'Connell »

Okay pb....
a)This is how I wudda wrote it.... in my humble opinion...:

Describing a Limn

There is so little, yet so much
in a pebble turned to Clod.
And yet, my churning,

unformed consciousness
might seem, to one,
to describe something more
than mere anger.


b) This is not a complete poem. It is suitably vague and mysterious, but it is not communicating, to me, what is necessary for the poem to "click" or resonate. The big weakness, as I see it, is line 4. "Unformed consciousness" is meanungless. It is too journalistic, too obvious. It is not saying or communicating what you really want to say.
In my humble opinion if you manage to rework line 4 you then give heart to the poem.
But there is a very very good poem in there....

Jimmy
Oh bless the continuous stutter
of the word being made into flesh
-The Window-
William
Posts: 296
Joined: Tue Oct 16, 2007 1:18 am

Re: "Describing a Limn"

Post by William »

I wouldn't have written it at all but well done! ;-)
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