Falling Snow & Love Making

[PsyLeo]

I told you once
“I am at a loss for words”
but I had words
to say I had no words.

so I found myself
alone-
with cherry cigar smoke
lingering silently,
eavesdropping on my
thoughts of you.

when I am alone,
I talk to you all the time
and kiss you
with my poetry.

so forgive me for
foreplay with the pen.
I was thinking of
you the entire time.

and last night,
the sky cried snowflakes
as your hair fell
between my fingers
while I caught fire flies
inside your eyes
and made love to you.

it’s with the little things
I lose myself.
like breath on a window
and a heart drawn
with a finger.

sometimes simple things
say it all and more.

[~greg]

Normally I take a problem solving approach to everything.

In this case for example I would normally have advised
that maybe you wouldn't be alone so much if you'd quit
the cherry cigars.
(Or at least switch to something less cloyingly sweet!)

But I'm loosing it. I know it.
And all I could think of was that I really enjoyed this!

(except the last 2 lines of course.)

[Cate]

Ummm…….


……… I just wanted to soak that in a bit. Especially the middle.

when I am alone,
I talk to you all the time
and kiss you
with my poetry.

so forgive me for
foreplay with the pen.
I was thinking of
you the entire time.

This is delicious – erotic and funny at the same time.

[mat james]

I love it psycholeo ! (I love the name too!)

These lines did it for me:

eavesdropping on my
thoughts of you.

Matj

[lizzytysh]

Hi PsyLeo ~

Pleasant entry you're making to the Forum. Welcome .

Even knowing you're talking about two different things, I loved the truth and humour at the onset. A playful way to lead into your tenderness.

On a [hopefully] constructive, suggestive note... there's something about the word "entire" that doesn't flow for me in the context of where you've used it. I know "whole" is mundane as a descriptive and has too few syllables, but it feels better. Perhaps, there's a better word that would be better all round? Haha. I guess it's still too early to find another word for "better."

I'm wondering if there might be another word for "cried," too, as it seems in the context of the situation, the night sky had little reason to be crying. I immediately thought of your being in bed and the snowflakes blanketing the earth... but, then, remembered "T...R...I...T...E!!!" So, forget that... however, might we have the sky be a little happier about your union?

Even though I wasn't too sure about the mixing-and-matching of seasons, there's still something I liked about your summoning/evoking both winter and summer into your making love. The cold outside with the warmth provided inside.

I like the double entendre of "caught fire flies" with memories of the excitement of actually catching fireflies on summer nights... and the way that fireflies can be so descriptive on the warmth that can sparkle and glow in a lover's eyes, where you only catch glimpses of it as you make love.

This is so gorgeous it takes my breath away:

it’s with the little things
I lose myself.
like breath on a window
and a heart drawn
with a finger.

I had completely forgotten about breath drawings in winter.

I'm not sure if your last two lines really work for me. What you've said is SO so true, but I'm just not sure that you ought to say it so, somehow, obviously... I wish I had something to suggest, but I don't write poetry and it's 6:00 AM, so take your pick of reasons, or both are available at a bargain.

All said, thanks for the lovely wake-up .


~ Lizzy

[Undertow]

when I am alone,
I talk to you all the time
and kiss you
with my poetry.

so forgive me for
foreplay with the pen.
I was thinking of
you the entire time.

Impishly erotic and flirtatious, but with a lighter funny side which really completes it. A good read, please do keep them coming.

[lizzytysh]

Impishly erotic and flirtatious, but with a lighter funny side which really completes it. A good read, please do keep them coming.

And, in this sense, "entire" may work very well... as it has so much 'specificity.'


~ Lizzy