Re: "Describing a Limn"
Posted: Wed Nov 28, 2007 12:25 am
Okay pb....
a)This is how I wudda wrote it.... in my humble opinion...:
Describing a Limn
There is so little, yet so much
in a pebble turned to Clod.
And yet, my churning,
unformed consciousness
might seem, to one,
to describe something more
than mere anger.
b) This is not a complete poem. It is suitably vague and mysterious, but it is not communicating, to me, what is necessary for the poem to "click" or resonate. The big weakness, as I see it, is line 4. "Unformed consciousness" is meanungless. It is too journalistic, too obvious. It is not saying or communicating what you really want to say.
In my humble opinion if you manage to rework line 4 you then give heart to the poem.
But there is a very very good poem in there....
Jimmy
a)This is how I wudda wrote it.... in my humble opinion...:
Describing a Limn
There is so little, yet so much
in a pebble turned to Clod.
And yet, my churning,
unformed consciousness
might seem, to one,
to describe something more
than mere anger.
b) This is not a complete poem. It is suitably vague and mysterious, but it is not communicating, to me, what is necessary for the poem to "click" or resonate. The big weakness, as I see it, is line 4. "Unformed consciousness" is meanungless. It is too journalistic, too obvious. It is not saying or communicating what you really want to say.
In my humble opinion if you manage to rework line 4 you then give heart to the poem.
But there is a very very good poem in there....
Jimmy
