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moonlit river
Posted: Sat Nov 24, 2007 3:53 am
by jimbo
It is long ,
Since
I have touched you,
Felt your rhythm
On my back
In our bed
Of endless motion.
In our harvest
moonlit sack
Re: moonlit river
Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 9:54 am
by Boss
Jimbo,
ThAT IS BEAUTIFUL. hONEST, LONELY, BEAUTIFUL.
She'll come back, mate; promise
Boss
Re: moonlit river
Posted: Sun Nov 25, 2007 9:57 pm
by Jimmy O'Connell
Jimbo, I wouldn't change a word, but I would look again at punctuation. Why the full stop at line 8 and none at the last line?
A tiny tiny tiny re-write:
It is long
Since
I have touched you,
Felt your rhythm
On my back
In our bed
Of endless motion,
In our harvest
moonlit sack.
Jimmy
Re: moonlit river
Posted: Mon Nov 26, 2007 6:42 am
by jimbo
Thank you Jimmy. it was all i had left
of a four verse poem.after a self edit....
jimbo