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Abyss of my affection
I shant let her leave
Her venom in me hides
I am crazed beyond belief
She cries in agony, racing through our parlour
I chase her with stealth, for I despise her squalor

Never were the omens so bright and clear
I cannot comprehend what I am doing here
I stand benighted, there is no place left to run
He is closing in on me

Thus you lament
As I crush your scull
I’ll slay you utterly
Rid myself of your soul

She crumbles under the weight of my hand
Why does she hate me so?
I try to ask, but my fist replaces my voice
With a touch of red she fades away

Abyss of my affection
She should not leave
Her venom in me hid
I was crazed beyond belief
She cried in agony, racing through our parlour
I chased her with stealth, for I despised her squalor

************
Yeah. This is entended as a songlyric. I wrote it last summer, but I've never gotten much responce for it, and certainly not from such a poetry-centered community like this. Obviously, any response is much appreciated.
=)

Oh well. Some YOUNG people liked it anyway
I'm gonna put this on a record some day.

Hi KjeXXXer ~

Are there some metaphors I've missed? Upon first reading, this appears to be a rather graphic description of a domestic violence attempt to expunge someone from your life. Is any of that accurate? If so, is this based on real life?


~ Lizzy

No, nothing as intelligent as that, sorry.
It imerged from me listening to a song that starts a certain way. Later on, while tidying in the kitchen, the title line entered my head, along with a way to sing it.
Initially it was about feeling lost in one's unreturned love, but I wanted it to be about something else, because I couldn't come up with enough lines about the love thing, and because the ferocity of the music I envisioned to go along with it didn't allow for much of the touchy feely stuff.

So I sat down with it and thought about it. I envisioned a type of story where the insanity of the narrator in his head is derived from a love too deep for it to be healthy for him. An abyss of affection. So he feels that to survive this threat, he must destroy the object of his affection.

I haven't really thought it through thoroughly enough, I just thought up cool lines to go with the story and let whatever lines I came up with fill in the details.

Not really the product of years of careful work, as proper lyrics and poetry is.

The second verse is the victim's perspective of the chase, and is to be sung by a woman.
The only metaphors are "Her venom in me hides," a way to say that "she is the reason for my agony" and "With a touch of red she fades away," meaning that the victim dies a bloody death.
If you couldn't tell that already.

Axel

Hi KjeXXXer ~

Of course, I'd have to question your use of the word "intelligent" in your first comment, but I'm guessing you meant "intentional." Even so, even though it may not have been your intent, you've come remarkably close to writing lyrics that very sadly serve daily as distorted rationale for many tragic, as well as bloody, deaths. Violence against women seems fairly common enough in a number of today's lyrics, so that may be part of why the younger ones who gave it their nod may not have felt anything was awry. It's good to be aware of what it is that the lyrics you write may appear to be promoting.


~ Lizzy

Of course, it's not my intention to promote anything. It's a description of a state of mind that is tragic and insane.
Think of as an aria performed by an opera character, the opera set in the 1500's smack in the middle of Italy. Yes the subject is horrid and awful, and the decription of it is relatively disturbing. But is the operasinger promoting domestic violence?

Hi KjeXXXer ~

You're naturally free to write whatever you like. It sounds as though you got some hearty approval from younger folks, and I'm sharing a perspective of someone older. Fortunately, with regard to the mid-1500s, violence against women isn't accepted, condoned, or ignored as much as it once was; yet, it still, unfortunately, gets overlooked more than it ought to be.

Writing something isn't necessarily promoting it. It can be merely a description or representation of human nature at its worst. Opera singers, of course, sing lines that were written by someone else, so their role doesn't quite hold up with the point you're making.

You've captured the insanity of the situation, and you're right that the subject is horrid and awful, and the description of it is relatively disturbing. Not everything is consistent and there remain some unanswered questions in its content, but nothing I really want to pursue. I'm not going to continue with it, but I do hope you ultimately decide against recording it.


~ Lizzy

I (finally) see your concern.

I agree completely on what you're saying about violence towards women, and I understand that you might be worried about me publishing this little writing. I loathe those pityful excuses for men that strike and terrorize women, and if I ever encounter one I will react by calling the police and then attacking the scum with whatever weapon I might find (not saying that that'll be prudent - I just expect that I'll be raging and loose control, it's kinda what I do when faced with unjustice).

I appreciate your opinion, definately a thought provoking one. I'll have to look into it more thoroughly and consider what consequences this thing might generate. If I should ever through my works entice something as awful as spousal abuse, I'd feel horrible.
I'm toying with the idea of a disclaimer written below the text, something like "If you ever abuse any women, I will kill you" or something.

It's a thinker.
And please pardon the lousy Operapoint, I don't see the logic in that anymore. I'll give it another try:
An author publishes a book and.. Bah, It's a lost cause, and besides I think you got my drift.

When looking at it from a Metal point of view, one doesn't think that way that much, because so many bands have published works where the imagery is so graphicand brutal. Cannibal Corpse's three first records are completely banned in Germany. So the threshold has been breached so many times that one doesn't think twice about writing disturbed stuff.


Axel

Hi KjeXXXer ~

Thanks for broadening your perspective on your song.

Yeah, I got your drift with the opera singers. That's why I left it at your having made your point. Those analogies that seem so great when we start out sometimes end up with a loophole that just gets overlooked , but I knew what you meant, so hey...

Calling the police is definitely a good idea, but entering the fray might just get you killed. Police don't even like to get involved, but they're at least trained and armed [at least in the U.S.]. I don't what I'd suggest [if anything] if you ever encounter physical abuse in process. It's a hard call. From some reports I've heard, it seems that any interference [including verbal] will generally result in cessation, at least to a degree... but I don't know if there are any statistics to support that.

I'm afraid your disclaimer won't carry much weight . We'll see what time does with your decision to record or not.

I'm not familiar with the group you mention, but I'll take your and Germany's word on them; and you're right that flooding the market does skew perception.

Well, you asked for feedback and said you'd appreciate any. It seems that when all's said and done, you do, and that you're giving my thoughts some serious thought of your own. I believe we could consider this a successful exchange.


~ Lizzy

Oh definately. Any feedback is good, it's better than no response at all. Perhaps foolishly, I was expecting feedback on the quality of the lines and not the subject they deal with.

As far as interfering when faced with spousal abuse and the like, I doubt that I would give much thought to whatever peril I put myself in. The true blessing of youth is a disregard for rational thought.

I realise that the example that I posted of a disclaimer would be largely impotent, it was just a rash sample of what the main point of it might be. The words need to be thought through as well as alternatives to it, so I'll be giving it alot of thought.

Cannibal Corpse is probably the most controversial group in the US, targeted by politician and others who'd like to get into office. But allthough they have this fixation for blood, guts and gore, they are intelligent people like you and me. According to them, it's their artistic expression, a reflection of the ultraviolence we read about in the paper. You can read about them here if you like: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cannibal_Corpse

Hi Axel ~

Earlier today, I answered you here, but clicked on Save instead of Submit. However. I have no idea where it's been Saved. Can't find it anywhere. I got a Pop-up asking me Yes or No on Saving it, reminding me that only the subject and the message would be saved [what else would I want?], but nothing saying what would happen if I clicked No. So, I clicked Yes, but now who knows where anything is?

I'll check out the link... thanks. Maybe, I'll locate whatever it is I Saved and bring it here later.


~ Lizzy

Thanks to Jarkko, I found it! Thanks, Jarkko. Here it was and is:

Perhaps foolishly, I was expecting feedback on the quality of the lines and not the subject they deal with.

That's not a foolish hope or expectation, Axel. I'm not sure why no one else has commented, but perhaps they still will. Your presentation of the topic matter was compelling enough that I happenened to feel the need to comment. Comments on the quality of your lines would be the norm.

As far as interfering when faced with spousal abuse and the like, I doubt that I would give much thought to whatever peril I put myself in. The true blessing of youth is a disregard for rational thought.

You're right that youth is on your side for acting with abandonment; and I don't mean to suggest that you don't get involved, either; there's too much of that already . I know that domestic violence calls tend to be the most dreaded for officers because they're so dangerous for themselves, as well. I know some anecdotes where uninvolved people have successfully interceded; and the stories are too many of screams for help going unmet and someone dying. So, yes, if you come upon or are in a situation, do what you can to stop it; but be very careful, too.

I realise that the example that I posted of a disclaimer would be largely impotent, it was just a rash sample of what the main point of it might be. The words need to be thought through as well as alternatives to it, so I'll be giving it alot of thought.

I figured that, too, and probably ought to have said something close to what you have. As disclaimers go, including your own, personal disapproval along with a few statistics and providing a hotline number for abuse victims can be sobering, and maybe, hopefully, even helpful, as well.

Thanks for the link. I'll read about this group. Without having read it, what you're saying that they're saying about themselves puts me a little in mind of Eminem, awhile back. I was adamantly against him, Paula and Megan liked him, and it was seeing the movie based on his life that made me sympathetic toward him and his music. Morality issues in music and literature are long-standing debates; you'll probably be my age and still see them going on. I guess we can only speak when we feel compelled to do so. I don't have blanket rules about it all and I don't feel censorship is the answer, either. Consumer beware and all that.


~ Lizzy

Yeah, that's what it's all about.
Personally I don't listen to Cannibal Corpse, because I find the message of their songs so pointless and ridiculous it prevents me from enjoying the music more than one or two songs every four weeks. But I do listen to songs like Nile's Cast Down The Heretic on a pretty much daily basis, because however brutal and goreladen it concerns a historical event and it's worded quite classy and archaic. So, perhaps that would mean that if it's presented in a sufficiantly apropriate manner, almost everything goes.

Thanks for your concern in my hypothetical safety and other kind words. =)