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Flyer On the Windscreen

Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 5:45 am
by JiminyC
Flyer On the Windscreen

You get back to your car
Laden with produce
The aisles of brand names weighing now upon your finger tips
Pained by lack of circulation
You drop your goods into your trunk

You note the car next to yours has parked inadequately
Curse the waves of folk out there
Who don't do It properly
And click your electronic locking button
The car regales the lot with piercing shrill

"I have arrived", lights flashing
You slump into the drivers well
To look out at your bonnet
And see some flyer stuck under your wiper
Fucking hell

Pink coloured
You tear it away and go to throw it to its doom
But a word catches your eye
Soul
A soul stuck to your car in earnest plea

Saturday night at the Soul Train
You ponder your entirety
Where were you being delivered next?
You look out upon the car park
At the different colours

The cold wind indifferent lifts you from your seat
You are born upon a new freedom
It takes you beyond your tired barriers
It moves you
On the dance floor Saturday night.

Posted: Sat May 19, 2007 10:46 am
by mat james
I enjoyed your poem/message Jiminy.

One little comment,
You have used the "you" and "your" throughout the poem and I don't think "I" works in this line,
I have arrived, your lights flashing
Regards, Matj

Posted: Sun May 20, 2007 11:37 am
by JiminyC
Thanks Mat! I felt I wanted to keep the first person reference in the middle however I added quotation marks to define the purpose a little more succinctly.

Posted: Sun May 20, 2007 11:48 am
by mat james
Yes, that works better.

"I have arrived", your lights flashing

In that case I would delete the "your" in the line above. Somehow it ties the line together better.
Sometimes less is better.
Perhaps it even makes the line more powerful.

Regards, Matj.

Posted: Sun May 20, 2007 1:09 pm
by JiminyC
I can go with that, thanks for your comments Mat, hope life is treating you well!

Posted: Sun May 20, 2007 7:32 pm
by Huck
it's quite a goodun. i like to think it reminds one that music is joy.