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Every Man
Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 7:40 am
by Phil Rose
I've seen grown men pour out their hearts
Into an empty glass on an old wooden bar
I've heard grown men cry
Into old friends' ears drinking by their side
I've see old men look into a mirror
Through tired eyes when the morning comes too early
I've heard the bad luck stories and old love tales
I know both sides of the once was and the never beens
Every man sees a man standing at the same old wooden bar
Staring into what he's already seen
Every man knows a man
Who's been to every place he's been.
Posted: Fri Mar 23, 2007 10:24 pm
by Christopher T. George
Hi Phil
The poem is strong and captures certain truths about life and drinking. Nicely done.
You might wordsmith some in the early going. For example I am not sure it is important to know that the glass is standing on the bar so why not make it--
I've seen grown men pour out their hearts
Into an empty glass at an old wooden bar
The old friends' ears line is a bit confusing and the way it is constructed it makes it sound as if the ears are walking and I know you don't mean that! So how about--
I've heard grown men cry
Into old friends' ears as they walk side by side
The poem ends strongly and makes a memorable closing statement. Good work, Phil.
Chris
Every Man
Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 4:28 am
by philrose
I like the suggestions Chris
I will edit shortly
Phil
Re: Every Man
Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 4:37 am
by philrose
Phil Rose wrote:I've seen grown men pour out their own hearts
Into a an empty glass on an old wooden bar
I've heard grown men cry
Into old friends ears as they drink side by side
I've see old men look into a mirror
Through tired eyes when the morning comes too early
I've heard the bad luck stories and bad love tales
I know both sides of the once was and the never beens
Every man sees a man standing at the same old wooden bar
Staring into what he's already seen
Every man knows a man
Who's been to every place he's been.
Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 2:39 pm
by Christopher T. George
Hi Phil
Glad my comments helped. I am still not sure that you need to say "I've seen grown men pour out their own hearts" -- why not "pour out their hearts"? And note a typo in the next line, "Into a an empty glass . . ."
Chris
Posted: Sat Mar 24, 2007 3:50 pm
by lizzytysh
On the issue of typos, for that matter,
"Into old friends ears" ought to be "Into old friends' ears" [visually awkward in this context] or ~ from what I understand to be the method now... "Into old friends's ears"
[always visually awkward in any context]. Might it all be resolved by:
"I've heard grown men cry
Into the ears of old friends as they drink side by side"
Or, does there exist a poetic license with regard to proper punctuation when it comes to the actual poem?
I like this poem very much.
~ Lizzy