leonardcohenforum.com

The dawn bird willows the wind

The family cat sleeks a noon's stealth - the bird alarming

The lone dog barks an evening hymn

The sailor reefs his dreams upon an Arctic winter

The seeker cures his return in an age of illusion

The gum shadows the stream deserting a drought

The sage surrenders into nonconformity - a silent dialogue enlightening

The refugee stranded in a war's nightmare of violent politics

The exiled poet utters a naked brokenness - the gift of the word

The word stolen and corrupted by a generation of brokers darkening our world's future

The cloistered monk sits in grace's light touch, an offertory communioning a harvest - hope's redemptive gift.



Bernard McVeigh

Bernard, this is really gorgeous; thus, if I may, might I suggest you consider changing one word, "composing," because otherwise, it makes me, the reader, think of Dead Poets' Society flick and this poem has more merit than that? What about, for example, "The dead poets comprise a naked brokenness . . .?" I think that telegraphs something other than simply the present, brings The Tradition into focus in a way "composes" may not do. Otherwise, it flows, no, overflows, with great rhythm and resonance. Especially the final lines. Just a thought.

The really outstanding line, IMO, is "The word stolen and corrupted by a generation of brokers darkening our world's future." Its myriad slants and angles really underscores the previous line (and, again, "compose" makes me think more of music than creators such as yourself making poetry). No offense intended. Hope you take none.

BoHo
--
THE ITEM THAT HE SENT HER:
http://www.judithfitzgerald.ca/leonardcohen.html
ADAGIOS III — ELECTRA'S BENISON, BOUND!
http://www.oberonpress.ca/titles.pl?v=new
JUDITH FITZGERALD'S EVER-EVOLVING WRITESITE:
http://www.judithfitzgerald.ca/
CANADIAN JOURNAL OF COMMUNICATION:
http://tinyurl.com/25eae3
LC'S OPEN BOOK OF LONGING:
http://tinyurl.com/yno7z7
POET PARLIAMENTAEIRIAL J.F.:
http://tinyurl.com/38ssjq
WISE GUY'S WISE SON:
http://www.marshallmcluhan.com/pub.html
VERMONT'S BUCKEYE ON OLSON & FITZGERALD:
http://www.judithfitzgerald.ca/bobbuckeye.html
A CELEBRATION OF WOMEN WRITERS:
http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/writers.html
JOANNA M. WESTON ON ORESTES' LAMENT:
http://tinyurl.com/ysrx3l
J.F. / C.C. CO-WRITE — "IS IT RAINING TODAY?"
http://tinyurl.com/2rbq68
CANADIAN STUDIES CENTRE:
http://www.hum.au.dk/canstud/
M.P. ANTHONY ROTA ON J.F. IN HANSARD:
http://tinyurl.com/3cam8p
ROB MCLENNAN ON J.F.'S OTTAWA:
http://tinyurl.com/24kr5m
CANADA'S THREE MUTE TECHNOLOGICAL CRITICS:
http://tinyurl.com/33rol2
J.F. @ THE WRITERS' UNION OF CANADA:
http://www.writersunion.ca/f/fitzgrld.htm
J.F. ON AL PURDY & ELI MANDEL @ CBC:
http://tinyurl.com/2vdrdq
T.F. RIGELHOF ON CANADA'S LOSS:
http://tinyurl.com/2cfk2t
IRVING LAYTON DEATHWATCH:
http://tinyurl.com/yuc24v
AMERICAN BOOK REVIEW:
http://tinyurl.com/2h6op6
RUSSELL BROWN ON THEMATICS:
http://tinyurl.com/2crmhw
SUNITI NAMJOSHI'S BRIGHTSITE:
http://tinyurl.com/37jjvy
ROB MCLENNAN ON BEING THE BEST:
http://tinyurl.com/34s9co
FAVOURITE AUTHORS OF GEORGE WOOD:
http://tinyurl.com/39yt24
ROB MCLENNAN'S OPINION OF J.F.:
http://tinyurl.com/28scjb
THE WONDERFUL MZ WANDA:
http://misswanda.blogspot.com/
J.F. ON ATWOOD'S BODILY HARM:
http://tinyurl.com/2whaxj

Hi Judith ~

I appreciate the comments you've made on Bernard's poem. I've always loved the largeness of his scope... he reminds me of a peaceful condor swooping the skies with observations of what's below and above, expressing all with a gentle smoothness of flight.

Your comment on the Dead Poet's Society is one I hope you'll utilize... when I read it, that's the exact thing that occurred to me... it wasn't accompanied by a a corrective suggestion, just that it brought the film to my mind.


~ Lizzy

Lizzy, it's inevitable, I guess; but, glad you've confirmed my first impression. Wonder if the line might work better thusly:

The stilled poets' society comprise . . .

or

The cold poets' society comprise . . .

or, even

The lost poets' memories comprise . . .

But, no matter. I'd lose the capital letters on the Dead Poets' Society because that does make its connection far too overt; and, it seems to me, you'd prefer to have that subconsciously working on the reader's brain. I do hesitate to change the metrical balances you've incorporated in the piece; but, these are simply observations, suggestions — take 'em or love 'em. Upon re-reading, too, the opening line really shimmers; puts one in mind of "I'm So Lonesome I Could Cry" (Hank Sr.'s version.) He was called The Hillbilly Shakespeare (and, for good reason).

BoHo
--
THE ITEM THAT HE SENT HER:
http://www.judithfitzgerald.ca/leonardcohen.html
ADAGIOS III — ELECTRA'S BENISON, BOUND!
http://www.oberonpress.ca/titles.pl?v=new
JUDITH FITZGERALD'S EVER-EVOLVING WRITESITE:
http://www.judithfitzgerald.ca/
CANADIAN JOURNAL OF COMMUNICATION:
http://tinyurl.com/25eae3
LC'S OPEN BOOK OF LONGING:
http://tinyurl.com/yno7z7
POET PARLIAMENTAEIRIAL J.F.:
http://tinyurl.com/38ssjq
WISE GUY'S WISE SON:
http://www.marshallmcluhan.com/pub.html
VERMONT'S BUCKEYE ON OLSON & FITZGERALD:
http://www.judithfitzgerald.ca/bobbuckeye.html
A CELEBRATION OF WOMEN WRITERS:
http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/writers.html
JOANNA M. WESTON ON ORESTES' LAMENT:
http://tinyurl.com/ysrx3l
J.F. / C.C. CO-WRITE — "IS IT RAINING TODAY?"
http://tinyurl.com/2rbq68
CANADIAN STUDIES CENTRE:
http://www.hum.au.dk/canstud/
M.P. ANTHONY ROTA ON J.F. IN HANSARD:
http://tinyurl.com/3cam8p
ROB MCLENNAN ON J.F.'S OTTAWA:
http://tinyurl.com/24kr5m
CANADA'S THREE MUTE TECHNOLOGICAL CRITICS:
http://tinyurl.com/33rol2
J.F. @ THE WRITERS' UNION OF CANADA:
http://www.writersunion.ca/f/fitzgrld.htm
J.F. ON AL PURDY & ELI MANDEL @ CBC:
http://tinyurl.com/2vdrdq
T.F. RIGELHOF ON CANADA'S LOSS:
http://tinyurl.com/2cfk2t
IRVING LAYTON DEATHWATCH:
http://tinyurl.com/yuc24v
AMERICAN BOOK REVIEW:
http://tinyurl.com/2h6op6
RUSSELL BROWN ON THEMATICS:
http://tinyurl.com/2crmhw
SUNITI NAMJOSHI'S BRIGHTSITE:
http://tinyurl.com/37jjvy
ROB MCLENNAN ON BEING THE BEST:
http://tinyurl.com/34s9co
FAVOURITE AUTHORS OF GEORGE WOOD:
http://tinyurl.com/39yt24
ROB MCLENNAN'S OPINION OF J.F.:
http://tinyurl.com/28scjb
THE WONDERFUL MZ WANDA:
http://misswanda.blogspot.com/
J.F. ON ATWOOD'S BODILY HARM:
http://tinyurl.com/2whaxj

I personally prefer the last, "or even . . . " one. If it were my poem, I'd use that one, but then [we know the punchline to that... ]

I'll be interested to how Bernard feels about these suggestions.


~ Lizzy

Dear BoHo and Lizzy,

I welcome your constructive criticism and thank you for taking time out to give the piece your attention. I'll put my editing cap on over the next few days and see what I can come up with. I think you're both correct. One phrase can make an otherwise smooth piece clang. Far from taking offence I am grateful for your feedback.

Yours from Downunder,

Bernard

Bernard wrote: I'll put my editing cap on over the next few days and see what I can come up with.

Thank you, Bernard, for your gracious understanding and acceptance of what I believe you see to be constructive criticism. I'll put my thinking shoes on to do a happy dance while waiting for your finished piece.

Undeniably, BoHo
--
THE ITEM THAT HE SENT HER:
http://www.judithfitzgerald.ca/leonardcohen.html
ADAGIOS III — ELECTRA'S BENISON, BOUND!
http://www.oberonpress.ca/titles.pl?v=new
JUDITH FITZGERALD'S EVER-EVOLVING WRITESITE:
http://www.judithfitzgerald.ca/
LEONARD COHEN'S OPEN BOOK OF LONGING:
http://tinyurl.com/yno7z7
POET PARLIAMENTAEIRIAL JUDITH FITZGERALD:
http://tinyurl.com/38ssjq
THE AMERICAN BOOK REVIEW:
http://tinyurl.com/2h6op6
SUNITI NAMJOSHI'S BRIGHTSITE:
http://tinyurl.com/37jjvy
J.F. ON AL PURDY & ELI MANDEL @ CBC:
http://tinyurl.com/2vdrdq

for what it is worth Bernard
I would remove "dead poets" completely. It is a bruise.

The sage surrenders into inconformity - a silent dialogue enlightening

I wondered if you meant " into nonconformity"?

If it is as you wrote, then "into inconformity", as I understand it really means "into in conformity" . This works in a strange way if you are referring to the inward journey, as you seem to be.

I like the way you have constructed the images in several of the lines to jolt the readers' mind into a sideways shift. Sort of "semi-koan) like.
eg;

The sailor reefs his dreams upon an Arctic winter

and,

The seeker cures his return in an age of illusion

These two lines put my mind in a knot.
They would make effective "meditations".

I love your work Bernard.
Matj

mat james wrote:for what it is worth Bernard
I would remove "dead poets" completely. It is a bruise.

True; so that makes two votes for killing "dead poets" completely, plus, "society." Good observo, Matj.

The sage surrenders into inconformity - a silent dialogue enlightening

I wondered if you meant " into nonconformity"?

If it is as you wrote, then "into inconformity", as I understand it really means "into in conformity" . This works in a strange way if you are referring to the inward journey, as you seem to be.

You know, I looked at that and then I thought, Ah ha! Bernard isn't using "non-conformity" because he's non-conforming; IOW, form, content, and sense all seem, IMO, to be aligned with the use of the neologism. I kinda liked that touch; but, I am such a smerger, I think you're prolly the righter writer on this call. Good one.

I like the way you have constructed the images in several of the lines to jolt the readers' mind into a sideways shift. Sort of "semi-koan) like.

Ditto. Intricate verb, gerund, and nominal shifts that "shock" the reader into consciousness (which may lead to ultra-consciousness, or not); but, I agree with you, Bernard's got stuff enough to last a lifetime.

My only concern is not to editorially overwhelm the words Bernard wrote, to knock the rhythms he intended awry, to give latitude to the way the poem itself seems to migrate further and further to the right margin. That's why I didn't want to muck about too much with the metrical design; but, your comments are valuable and emminently useful. Bernard? Please, put Matj's suggestions atop yer noggin under yer thinkin' cap. And, then, let's see what you elect to do; it's your poem; but, of course, our pleasure.

BoHo
--
THE ITEM THAT HE SENT HER:
http://www.judithfitzgerald.ca/leonardcohen.html
ADAGIOS III — ELECTRA'S BENISON, BOUND!
http://www.oberonpress.ca/titles.pl?v=new
JUDITH FITZGERALD'S EVER-EVOLVING WRITESITE:
http://www.judithfitzgerald.ca/
CANADIAN JOURNAL OF COMMUNICATION:
http://tinyurl.com/25eae3
LC'S OPEN BOOK OF LONGING:
http://tinyurl.com/yno7z7
POET PARLIAMENTAEIRIAL J.F.:
http://tinyurl.com/38ssjq
WISE GUY'S WISE SON:
http://www.marshallmcluhan.com/pub.html
VERMONT'S BUCKEYE ON OLSON & FITZGERALD:
http://www.judithfitzgerald.ca/bobbuckeye.html
A CELEBRATION OF WOMEN WRITERS:
http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/writers.html
JOANNA M. WESTON ON ORESTES' LAMENT:
http://tinyurl.com/ysrx3l
J.F. / C.C. CO-WRITE — "IS IT RAINING TODAY?"
http://tinyurl.com/2rbq68
CANADIAN STUDIES CENTRE:
http://www.hum.au.dk/canstud/
M.P. ANTHONY ROTA ON J.F. IN HANSARD:
http://tinyurl.com/3cam8p
ROB MCLENNAN ON J.F.'S OTTAWA:
http://tinyurl.com/24kr5m
CANADA'S THREE MUTE TECHNOLOGICAL CRITICS:
http://tinyurl.com/33rol2
J.F. @ THE WRITERS' UNION OF CANADA:
http://www.writersunion.ca/f/fitzgrld.htm
J.F. ON AL PURDY & ELI MANDEL @ CBC:
http://tinyurl.com/2vdrdq
T.F. RIGELHOF ON CANADA'S LOSS:
http://tinyurl.com/2cfk2t
IRVING LAYTON DEATHWATCH:
http://tinyurl.com/yuc24v
AMERICAN BOOK REVIEW:
http://tinyurl.com/2h6op6
RUSSELL BROWN ON THEMATICS:
http://tinyurl.com/2crmhw
SUNITI NAMJOSHI'S BRIGHTSITE:
http://tinyurl.com/37jjvy
ROB MCLENNAN ON BEING THE BEST:
http://tinyurl.com/34s9co
FAVOURITE AUTHORS OF GEORGE WOOD:
http://tinyurl.com/39yt24
ROB MCLENNAN'S OPINION OF J.F.:
http://tinyurl.com/28scjb
THE WONDERFUL MZ WANDA:
http://misswanda.blogspot.com/
J.F. ON ATWOOD'S BODILY HARM:
http://tinyurl.com/2whaxj

It must be a very powerful association: "dead poets" and "society" Bo Ho as there is no "society" to remove!

Matj

G'day BoHo, Lizzy and Mat,

After a near dozen attempts at rewriting the line, I woke up this morning with this final version. Thanks for your interest in this piece - I look forward to hearing from you guys soon. The edited version is above.

Peace and Love,

Bernard

Bernard, thank you for yet another truly delightful poem.

Diane

The exiled poet

that works well for me B.

The sage surrenders into nonconformity

works well for the sage living in the opposites, as the Buddha might say.

"The sage surrenders to inconformity" says something about where the sage is headed; toward a yogic union/conformity with nirvana/the tao/god etc.
Of course they both do a wonderful job Bernard.
Most people would love the first option.
But I! I'm mystified by the second

Thanks for the thoughts Bernard.
We love you (mystically, of course)
especially this Valentino day

Matj

mat james wrote:It must be a very powerful association: "dead poets" and "society" Bo Ho as there is no "society" to remove!

Ahm . . . <*glances left; dekes right; checks up; drops drown*> . . . Hrmm . . . <*squints*> . . . Erm . . . You're right! My goof. I'll do better in The Future, that one so bright I'll have to wear shades (w/thanks to Dante). Promise. Please, forgive me (for I know not what egregiosities I hath wrought) . . . However . . . <*sigh*> . . . Um, er, ah . . . <*puts on dark glasses*> . . . Mat J? . . . <*checks specs*> . . . You sure there ain't no *society* — deadly poetic / poetically dead, or otherwise — to lose? L!

BO HO HO HO .

BoRn tO B'loSe, Ju Ditz
--
THE ITEM THAT HE SENT HER:
http://www.judithfitzgerald.ca/leonardcohen.html
ADAGIOS III — ELECTRA'S BENISON, BOUND!
http://www.oberonpress.ca/titles.pl?v=new
JUDITH FITZGERALD'S EVER-EVOLVING WRITESITE:
http://www.judithfitzgerald.ca/
CANADIAN JOURNAL OF COMMUNICATION:
http://tinyurl.com/25eae3
LC'S OPEN BOOK OF LONGING:
http://tinyurl.com/yno7z7
POET PARLIAMENTAEIRIAL J.F.:
http://tinyurl.com/38ssjq
WISE GUY'S WISE SON:
http://www.marshallmcluhan.com/pub.html
VERMONT'S BUCKEYE ON OLSON & FITZGERALD:
http://www.judithfitzgerald.ca/bobbuckeye.html
A CELEBRATION OF WOMEN WRITERS:
http://digital.library.upenn.edu/women/writers.html
JOANNA M. WESTON ON ORESTES' LAMENT:
http://tinyurl.com/ysrx3l
J.F. / C.C. CO-WRITE — "IS IT RAINING TODAY?"
http://tinyurl.com/2rbq68
CANADIAN STUDIES CENTRE:
http://www.hum.au.dk/canstud/
M.P. ANTHONY ROTA ON J.F. IN HANSARD:
http://tinyurl.com/3cam8p
ROB MCLENNAN ON J.F.'S OTTAWA:
http://tinyurl.com/24kr5m
CANADA'S THREE MUTE TECHNOLOGICAL CRITICS:
http://tinyurl.com/33rol2
J.F. @ THE WRITERS' UNION OF CANADA:
http://www.writersunion.ca/f/fitzgrld.htm
J.F. ON AL PURDY & ELI MANDEL @ CBC:
http://tinyurl.com/2vdrdq
T.F. RIGELHOF ON CANADA'S LOSS:
http://tinyurl.com/2cfk2t
IRVING LAYTON DEATHWATCH:
http://tinyurl.com/yuc24v
AMERICAN BOOK REVIEW:
http://tinyurl.com/2h6op6
RUSSELL BROWN ON THEMATICS:
http://tinyurl.com/2crmhw
SUNITI NAMJOSHI'S BRIGHTSITE:
http://tinyurl.com/37jjvy
ROB MCLENNAN ON BEING THE BEST:
http://tinyurl.com/34s9co
FAVOURITE AUTHORS OF GEORGE WOOD:
http://tinyurl.com/39yt24
ROB MCLENNAN'S OPINION OF J.F.:
http://tinyurl.com/28scjb
THE WONDERFUL MZ WANDA:
http://misswanda.blogspot.com/
J.F. ON ATWOOD'S BODILY HARM:
http://tinyurl.com/2whaxj

cause i know you wont forget me cause i know you never did, .it was me who had to find you .in my spirit from within .i and i know you have the power, and together we will win.
we;ll continue on our journry.day by day till lite comes in.

day by day we;ll walk together . day by day we;ll walk the path.
day by daywellhelp each other day byday we;ll run and laugh.


edit it tomorrow .