Suicide: By The Book

[stoneange]

i miss you C.



We were in love
as brothers, not lovers
closer than two men can be

We tangled with Kerouac
Thoreau was my hero
but you got lost in Hemingway.

And I hate
that
we played "what if" games with death,
I always saw her as a mistress
but you kept longing for a wife

And I hate
that
I saw no signs of intention
I mistook your dark circles of promise
for my casual shadows on life

And I hate
that
death slipped in your veins like a thin thief
I have spent hours in cold grief
missing your Hemingway heart

[LaurieAK]

I like what you are attempting to do here.
The title is clever, although I would punctuate it differently. Maybe something like:
Suicide: By The Book
I don't think the lower case letters that you currently have serve you well.

A few comments:

closer than two men can be

This is too abstract and telling. And it makes no sense. It falls into a cliche. Needs re-stating.

I like the repetition of:
"And I hate" and the single word lines of : "that"

Your finale stanza tries too hard. I think it needs to be consistent with the previous stanzas. I also don't believe the speaker when he says:

hating your Hemingway heart

Logic tells me the speaker is MISSING not hating.
So, I think it would work best if the final stanza started with:

"And I hate
that
death slipped..."

That would seem more honest with the tone of the poem.

Of course, if you are like many of the poem sharers around here, you don't want to hear anything but "nice" things about your poem.
If that is the case. Nevermind.
I did enjoy your poem.

Laurie

[Boss]

I miss M and I miss T
a brother by blood, a brother to my mistress

they did not read
so extensively

they did not have the time

If they had
they would have read Kafka

[stoneange]

Thanks for the thoughts. I appreciate the time you took.

I think that posting for praise alone is mental masturbation.

I don't necessarily need to know what I do well, I sincerely appreciate appropriate ideas for refinement.

[LaurieAK]

You're welcome.