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Soft 17

It’s funny—
Late at night the city is buzzing
(But that’s only because of
The radiant glow of inhibition,
The illumination of attractive
Beaming explosions of fancy
Streets of places to stay, shows to see),
But I can stand outside freezing my ass off
Smoking a cigarette, because I just lost my ass off.

Yes, the city is always buzzing,
Yet I can hear hardly a thing
At 2 in the morning, wishing for a Queen
For this Ace, in this place—
Such a spontaneous and unrestrained place—
As are the feelings I get during this time.

A chilled winter night in Vegas,
Chilled as is the beverage in my hand—
But the rum sure helps for warmth—
God! Sometimes I wish I were more dangerous,
Like most of the vibe is around here.
I could go back in there
And set down 50
And play one good hand
And then I’d be up just like *that*.

I’m always too aloof in the winter,
But it’s more of a lethargic detachment,
And I guess that’s just the way it goes.
Knowing me, I’d get dealt a 9 and a 7
(Two middle-of-the-road cards)
And stay on it
While the dealer shows a 6
With an Ace underneath.

The question is, however: If I had two 8’s,
Would I even split them?

i'll start out complaining on this one

It is too all over the place. Jumps around and never quite settles on a point....

Nevertheless, there are parts in here i really like.

Sometimes I wish I were more dangerous,
Like most of the vibe is around here.

This interests me, i wanna know more. But the thought seems to fade off onto another track....

The casual language sets a good tone. I think there is a much better poem or two waiting somewhere in this deck.

thanks for sharing.

L

[quote="Joe Way"]Soft 17

It’s funny—
Late at night the city is buzzing


Decent opening lines


(But that’s only because of
The radiant glow of inhibition,
The illumination of attractive
Beaming explosions of fancy
Streets of places to stay, shows to see),

Awkward prose insert with 2 clichés in the one last line!


But I can stand outside freezing my ass off
Smoking a cigarette, because I just lost my ass off.

“freezing my ass off “ is horrid writing, wholly unoriginal. Read some Tom Waits lyrics- it’s possible to write low-life with vivid imagery.



Yes, the city is always buzzing,
Yet I can hear hardly a thing
At 2 in the morning, wishing for a Queen
For this Ace, in this place—

“Ace/place”- oh dear, go and stand in the Naughty Boys’ Corner immediately.


Such a spontaneous and unrestrained place—
As are the feelings I get during this time.

Prose but such stilted prose as well. Read the last two lines to yourself and then spend a few minutes thinking of 10 better ways to write the same ideas.



A chilled winter night in Vegas,
Chilled as is the beverage in my hand—
But the rum sure helps for warmth—
God! Sometimes I wish I were more dangerous,
Like most of the vibe is around here.
I could go back in there
And set down 50
And play one good hand
And then I’d be up just like *that*.

Now, this is beginning to sound like a Tom Waits song after someone has removed every ounce of wit and sparkle. This is a dead poem, bereft of life, it breathes no more (and it doesn’t even have beautiful plumage)

I’m always too aloof in the winter,
But it’s more of a lethargic detachment,

Prose, but dead prose


And I guess that’s just the way it goes.
Knowing me, I’d get dealt a 9 and a 7
(Two middle-of-the-road cards)
And stay on it
While the dealer shows a 6
With an Ace underneath.

Bar room chat between two very dull people. What is there here that could possibly interest a reader?

The question is, however: If I had two 8’s,
Would I even split them?

The question is whether you had two infinitives, would you even split them. “to infinitive and beyond”