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misunderstanding in the rain

the rain morses a message on the surface of the loch.
i carefully transcribe the silent words. the dock i use
for post and desk is slippery, my clothes are wet and cling
like a web to the spider to the planks. the ink surrenders to heavy drops
of water that render the message illegible to human eyes
but mine. the group of tourists that travelled with me on the coach must think
me mad: a long haired log of a man lying flat on his belly, the rain
in his eyes and a pen in his hand - a more lunatic sight has never
come to their view before this late afternoon. but do i care
for the thoughts in their brains that never heard the message of the rain?

i change my things in the men's room. it's cold in march. the coach will leave
in a minute, and still i have to preserve the strange words i jotted down.
on a clean sheet of paper i watch the traces of my pen and read:
"the rain morses a message on the surface of the loch.
you don't understand the joy in the dripping voice projecting your tears
into the sound of water rejoining the circle of friends not met
in a poet's lifetime. should auld acquaintance ever be forgot?"

tom-

This is my favorite kind of poem; one that is focused on capturing a small vignette of a moment or event.

I really like this piece.

As a reader there are a few things that stand out as questionable.

misunderstanding in the rain

the rain morses a message on the surface of the loch.

I cannot tell if this first line is supposed to be the moment of revelation when these words come to you or if it is the reading of what you have transcribed. If it is written, then maybe quotes would clarify the meaning. If it is a eureka moment, maybe italicizing and/or even adding the dreaded exclamation mark would imply your intent.

i carefully transcribe the silent words. the dock i use
for post and desk is slippery, my clothes are wet and cling
like a web to the spider to the planks. the ink surrenders to heavy drops

Too many "to the" (s) in the above line. Also your metaphor is a bit hard to accept. Webs stick to spider's victims, but they themselves are not stuck in their own webs.

of water that render the message illegible to human eyes

Above the word "human" does nothing to help your poem. The word "all" could easily create the transition and help with the consonance, too.

but mine. the group of tourists that travelled with me on the coach must think
me mad: a long haired log of a man lying flat on his belly, the rain
in his eyes and a pen in his hand - a more lunatic sight has never
come to their view before this late afternoon. but do i care
for the thoughts in their brains that never heard the message of the rain?

I totally understand what you are conveying here, and enjoy the message, but it is a bit too telling and too conclusive. Yes, the scene you create must look "mad" but there should be a better way of stating this without 'concluding' it for the reader. Also "a more lunatic sight..." takes too many steps from what the speaker can really know and then conclude for himself and the reader.

i change my things in the men's room. it's cold in march. the coach will leave
in a minute, and still i have to preserve the strange words i jotted down.
on a clean sheet of paper i watch the traces of my pen and read:
"the rain morses a message on the surface of the loch.

"it's cold in march." can be worked into this without being just a bland statement (as it is now). Also here I am unclear about your intent of "the rain morses..." line. I think if the word "read" was changed to "write" it might be clearer what is happening or just happened.

you don't understand the joy in the dripping voice projecting your tears
into the sound of water rejoining the circle of friends not met
in a poet's lifetime. should auld acquaintance ever be forgot?"

"you don't understand..." again concludes something for your readers and this time 'about' your readers. Make us understand.

With a few changes this could be much better than it already is.

An enjoyable read as is.

Thanks for sharing,
Laurie

I think I'll be spending more time reading poetry for a while. Reading is so good for the soul. I've always loved the rain.

Laurie ~

thank you for your very detailed critique. I agree that this piece needs some revision, and I'll come back with a rewrite.

There's just one thing I want to say right now. The opening line is at once the revelation and the beginning of the message transcribed. Therefore I wanted to indent the last four lines which are the full "transcript", but I couldn't find a way to do so with the given technology of the forum. Thus the "you" in "you don't understand the joy" is not the reader but the writer addressed by the "rain". But, of course, it's my task to make this clear from the poem rather than from an explanation.

To work, Tom.

Thanks again, Laurie.

Tom

tom-

I look forward to your revision.

Your explanation does clear some things up. I can see your dilemma of trying to convey what you explained.

Thanks again for sharing,
L

What a beautiful poem Tom!

misunderstanding the rain

the rain morses a message on the surface of the loch.
i carefully transcribe its silent words. the dock i use
for post and desk is slippery, my motley clothes are wet and cling
to the planks in this cold march. my ink surrenders to heavy drops
of tender water that render the message illegible to all eyes
but mine. the group of tourists I travelled with today looks down
on me: a long-haired log of a man lying flat on his belly, the rain
in his eyes and a pen in his hand. their afternoon stares convince me I'm mad.

the rain morsed a message on the surface of the loch.
i change my things in the men's room. the coach will leave this landmark on time
in a minute, and still i have to preserve the strange words i jotted down.
on a clean sheet of paper i watch the traces of my pen and read:
........"the rain morses a message on the surface of the loch,
........but you don't understand there's joy in its dripping projecting your tears
........into the sound of water rejoining the circle of friends not met
........in a poet's lifetime. should auld acquaintance ever be forgot?"

---------------------------------

This is my current revision. I hope it works better than the first version.

To get at the indentation I used a rather nasty trick: actually there are dots, but colored as F0F0F0 which is exactly the background color. (If you highlight the indentation, you'll see them...

Thanks again for your critiques.

Cheers
Tom

That's not a nasty trick, it's a good trick. I'm really sure you appreciate my input.

tom-

Very resourceful getting your indents.

Your poem is stunningly better than the first draft.

I particularly like this phrase, even though the 'tender' and 'heavy' normally wouldn't seem like a good match...for me, it works here:

my ink surrenders to heavy drops
of tender water that render the message illegible to all eyes
but mine.

You done real good!

regards,
Laurie

Tom, somehow between the re-writing and the explanations, the poet's intent has become clearer. There is now a large difference between the two versions but I like both, equally. They have almost become separate poems. Sometimes a more cryptic delivery can generate deeper interest by demanding closer attention.

Cheers, Witty.

Dear Tom,
Others have commented on "misunderstanding the rain". I think the poetry you have presented on this board displays both strength in subject matter and attention to detail: considered writing, combined with graft and craft, doesn't come easy. I applaud you.
Andrew.

Tom,

I concur with Andrew's opinion. I find your poetry (and Andrew's) very accomplished.

Joe

They say you should never post a first draft. I did, though, and I was marvellously rewarded, friends.

I had the image of the rain morsing on my mind for quite a while, but it didn't seem to crystallize. When it finally did I was so excited that I posted the first draft. I was aware there'd be weak spots in the lines, and you, Laurie, made me detect them. I thank you for helping me get closer to my vision.

witty, you're right. My intentions became clearer, and I had to drop some aspects, but those are still there for future poems.

Sandra - "Rain" and "Silence" seem to be our common favourite subjects. And we both seem to have a similar vision of them.

Andrew, Joe - I can't but blush. Thank you for the flowers, undeserved compliments and such. I'm determined to try to live (and write) up to the standards you reminded me of.

Thank you all, and I'm honored that you even took the time.

Tom

I've always thought your poetry to be 'quite accomplished' although I may not have said it. There is so much well worth reading on this site, yours is certainly amidst it all.

Linda

Oh sorry, Linda, for not mentioning this before -

I always really appreciated your input, here there and everywhere.


Tom