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Couple in a Restaurant
Facing each other over pepper and salt
Canisters, tight red-wrapped knife and
Fork, their eyes fall on Hopper placemats.

The waitress stirs the scene with plates, each
To their own - sliced beef for him, broccoli,
Turnips and halved potatoes, their skins

Flaked, burnt and brown; for her, chicken
Panini, a green salad, red and yellow peppers.
(Water?) A nod. They lift fork and knife.

PLEASE IGNORE MY PETULANT CRITIQUE IF YOU DON''T LIKE THIS SORT OF ANALYSIS. I LIVE IN HOPE THAT IT MAY HELP A WRITER TO STOP, THINK AND LEARN. OTHERWISE, JUST STOP WILL DO.

Jimmy O'Connell wrote:
Couple in a Restaurant
Facing each other over pepper and salt
PEPPER AND SALT IS A PURPOSELESS REVERSAL OF THE NORMAL ORDER, IT DOESN'T MAKE IT INTERESTING
Canisters, tight red-wrapped knife and
Fork,
DULL DESCRIPTIONS, WE HAVE ALL SEEN CUTLERY WRAPPED LIKE THAT AND IT IS FUCKING BORING TO TALK ABOUT IT
their eyes fall on Hopper placemats.
REFERENCE TO SOMETHING INTERESTING IS NOT THE SAME AS WRITING SOMETHING INTERESTING
The waitress stirs the scene with plates,
NOPE, STILL NOT IN ANY WAY INTERESTING. I WOULD PREFER HER TO STAY AND STIR THE SOUP
each
To their own - sliced beef for him, broccoli,
Turnips and halved potatoes, their skins
THAT''S A MENU. SO WHAT, THEY CHOSE DIFFERENT DISHES, SO FUCKING WHAT
Flaked, burnt and brown; for her, chicken
Panini, a green salad, red and yellow peppers.
STILL A MENU, SO WHAT AGAIN
(Water?)
WHAT DO YOU MEAN BY PUTTING WATER IN QUOTES AND THEN THE QUESTION MARK, DO YOU SERIOUSLY MEAN THAT THIS FASCINATING COUPLE ARE MAKING THE GIANT DECISION WHETHER TO HAVE WATER OR NOT. I WOULD HAPPILY DRENCH THE DULLARDS IN THE HOPE THAT THEY MIGHT COME TO LIFE
A nod.
AH, IT WAS AN INTERCHANGE WITH THE WAITRESS. COULD IT BE ANY DRIER THAN THIS WATER EXCHANGE? WHY CAN'T YOU WRITE SOMETHING THAT IS A WEE BIT STIMULATING. WHY CAN''T THE WAITRESS THROW SOME OF THEIR SALT OVER HER SHOULDER FOR LUCK, BEFORE ASKING THE WOMAN FOR A DATE OR A FIG
They lift fork and knife.
LIFT, WHY LIFT. WHAT MAKES YOU SAY LIFT. WHAT INSTINCT TELLS YOU IT IS MORE POETIC TO SAY LIFT.WERE THEY USING A FUCKING FORK LIFT TRUCK?


NO ONE HERE HAS DONE ANYTHING TO DESERVE THIS MEAL. PUKE.
THIS RESTAURANT HAS NOW BEEN CLOSED DOWN BY THE LOCAL COUNCIL. HOORAY.

Hello Fish

I'm going to critique your critique

First - The red must go. It's just splashing everywhere and looks like a complete mess, why should Jimmy trust anything you say if look to be making a mess everywhere.

second - WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU YELLING? Is your cap lock stuck or something? for Christ sakes calm down, you remind me of my grade 10 chemistry teacher who thought I used my dogs leg as a ruler and who couldn't seem to speak without shouting - he had a heart attack in his 50's and had to retire early due to 'stress'.

Third - I think that you're missing the 'unstated' here. It seems to me that Jimmy's poem is as much about what he hasn't said as what he has said. There's a certain tension here, the familiars who've become strangers and perhaps an underlying unspoken sensuality as well.

Cate wrote:Hello Fish

I'm going to critique your critique

First - The red must go. It's just splashing everywhere and looks like a complete mess, why should Jimmy trust anything you say if look to be making a mess everywhere.

second - WHY THE FUCK ARE YOU YELLING? Is your cap lock stuck or something? for Christ sakes calm down, you remind me of my grade 10 chemistry teacher who thought I used my dogs leg as a ruler and who couldn't seem to speak without shouting - he had a heart attack in his 50's and had to retire early due to 'stress'.

Third - I think that you're missing the 'unstated' here. It seems to me that Jimmy's poem is as much about what he hasn't said as what he has said. There's a certain tension here, the familiars who've become strangers and perhaps an underlying unspoken sensuality as well.

CAPS is historical, I didn't realize before that blood was available to separate his bit and my main bit. so I helpfully used CAPS. then I discovered blood and squeezed it all over my wisdom. Fifthly, there is no sensuality there, not at all. I bet my FUCKING PEPPER AND SALT THERE AIN'T A DROPLET OF SENSUALITY THERE

okay look at how all that yelling and shouting ended up

http://news.nationalpost.com/2013/05/17 ... s-ontario/

the whole bloody ground was moving - stop making a mess!!!!

Cate wrote:okay look at how all that yelling and shouting ended up

http://news.nationalpost.com/2013/05/17 ... s-ontario/

the whole bloody ground was moving - stop making a mess!!!!

well thank you for blaming me for your little local problems. do you have any evidence that I yell in real life or can make the earth move for you ?

Into this furnace....

Jimmy's poem evoked a couple drowning in ennui. With nothing left to say to each other, they focus their attention on the most banal of dining circumstances.

Fishie and Cate, on the other hand, could never be accused of allowing boredom TO TAKE HOLD WITHOUT DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

imaginary friend wrote:Into this furnace....

Jimmy's poem evoked a couple drowning in ennui. With nothing left to say to each other, they focus their attention on the most banal of dining circumstances.

Fishie and Cate, on the other hand, could never be accused of allowing boredom TO TAKE HOLD WITHOUT DOING SOMETHING ABOUT IT!

Cate is a typical American, right down to denying her own nationality.

ennui phooey, you ain't not no alibi witness. This poem is guilty.

banal could be surprising or even a tiny bit interesting, but we get reversing "salt and pepper", and then reversing "knife and fork", b anal is reversing ain't it, bloody bottom sex - geographically wrong way round, no one does it in real life, disgusting, pointless.

Jimmy's poem evoked a couple drowning only in cheap oil & vinegar salad dressing. .

Vinaigrettes, I've had a few, but then again too few to mention cos they are so boring. "Oh, look! it may be dull but it's a couple in trouble, so I am allowed to write a poem like this"

I've had enough of this for the next several seconds, and now await my American friend's Cate of The Nation Address.

And you, Imaginary Bastard, you don't even exist so I can't read anything you say, NYAH NYAH NYAH!

I WIN

That's to funny Imaginary.
He must have done something, or not done something!!!!

for blaming me for your little local problems. do you have any evidence that I yell in real life or can make the earth move for you ?

sometimes you're a bit naughty fish
I do not. I’ll I can do is tell you that I the floor shook, the shelves shook and I shook

as for blaming you for our little problems. I think it’s a pretty established fact that you are personally responsible for most local problems; in fact our Mayor Rob Ford (look him and magnets up) recently listed you, Fish, as his chief public relations adviser. my proof – a photo of the two of you together having a chat.

Fishies and earthquakes are the least of Mr Mayor's problems today.

Glad it was only a mild earthquake Cate... isn't it really unusual to have earthquakes on the east side of Canada? Quebec had one today as well.

Stay safe and please try to rescue Fish from Rob before it's too late

(Edit: Corrected to Rob – not Tom. Guess I was thinking about those shoes that cost the same as a condo...)

http://www.earthquakescanada.nrcan.gc.c ... ex-eng.php

Who here have read Queen of the Headaches (Sharon Butala)?

Yo, Fishfish...
Thanks for your comments.
The reference to Hopper is deliberate. It's Edward Hopper the American painter. You might have seen his work. For instance, Nighthawks.
Yes, reversing salt and pepper may seem banal, but again it seems to be the only interesting thing going on in the couples' life right now. I wrote this poem after witnessing such a scene in a restaurtant recently. I see it quite a lot.
You might look up Roger Mc Gough's poem '40 Love'. Similar theme....

Jimmy O'Connell wrote:Yo, Fishfish...
Thanks for your comments.
The reference to Hopper is deliberate. It's Edward Hopper the American painter. You might have seen his work. For instance, Nighthawks.
Yes, reversing salt and pepper may seem banal, but again it seems to be the only interesting thing going on in the couples' life right now. I wrote this poem after witnessing such a scene in a restaurtant recently. I see it quite a lot.
You might look up Roger Mc Gough's poem '40 Love'. Similar theme....

I think your intentions were pure! it's quite a challenge to write about such a worn out relationship. Maybe you could have worked with Hopper's 1922 painting "New York Restaurant".

I'm a big fan of Roger McGough, especially his Summer with Monica, read these sublime words
They say it was an average, ordinary, moderate,
run-of-the-mill, common-or-garden summer,
but it wasn’t.
For I locked a yellow door
and I threw away the key
and I spent summer with Monica
and Monica spent summer with me.

He states the dull and then contrasts it. You could develop your poem by writing alongside your awful couple some wonderfully different diners.

All sorts of possibilities. In Ye Olden Dayes when I energy had, a compo set I would have, one which tasketh all-comers to lift pen and stroke the pages with their wit on theme of "fucking boring gits at restaurant".

Happy Summer, Jimmy

Best wishes

Geoffrey

Fishfish:

He states the dull and then contrasts it. You could develop your poem by writing alongside your awful couple some wonderfully different diners.

All sorts of possibilities. In Ye Olden Dayes when I energy had, a compo set I would have, one which tasketh all-comers to lift pen and stroke the pages with their wit on theme of "fucking boring gits at restaurant".

You have just summed up the theme of my poem!!!!!
There are quite a few out there!!!!