LC to the Critic
Posted: Tue Dec 07, 2004 4:32 pm
I found this exhange on a site. It rang a bell of some kind, can't quite put my finger on it...
(
Stagehand:
(dismissively to "The Critic"):
..that's cool.
Lenny (to Stagehand):
..just a second..
[having decided to give
The Critic the courtesy
of his attention]
)
The Critic:
Your songs are schmaltz, Lenny.
Lenny:
Pardon?
The Critic:
Your songs are *SCHMALTZ*!
Lenny:
Now listen, this may be schmaltz
to you, but it's real life to me.
Audience:
..applause
.."wOWww!"..
..applause ..
Lenny (to Audience):
..you are .. welcome...
Lenny (to The Critic):
You live in some kind of sauna?
Or something? ..
The Critic:
ah ha ha ha { forced phony-laugh }
Lenny:
.. where there's no schmaltz?
What, - do you live in an ice-box?
Or a shower?
Perchance?
Naw, no, seriously, any criticism,
please, let us hear them now.
I wanna hear the worse.
Audience
..applause..
Lenny:
If I've disappointed you
in any kind of way, i mean,
I would be happy to commit suicide.
If anybody has a, - a razor-blade,
I would be happy to cut my wrists
for you. It's the least I could do.
The Critic:
[
my attempted audio restoration
failed here. This part was silence
before the manipulation. Now it's
just incomprehensible what he says.
]
Lenny:
You've got some..
..what with you?
- some suicides?
Audience:
{ laughter }
The Critic:
Yehhe (-forced phony laugh)
Lenny:
I love you anyhow, Agnes(?),
What would I have done without you.
Where are you anyways?
Put on the lights please,
I would like to see...
...I would like the see The Critic!
Audience
..applause..
Lenny (off mike):
It's only you!
Audience:
..laughter..
The Critic:
ha ha ha ha
(forced phony-laugh)
Lenny (on mike):
...why you're just a man,
-just like me!
I thought you might be someone
different.
The Critic:
[ again-
attempted audio restoration failed
]
Lenny:
Yeah, well now you're a lot wiser.
Audience:
laughter
The Critic:
[...?....]
..fuck you!
Lenny:
Pardon?
The Critic:
Were you a Commie?
Lenny:
That's true.
Let's sing.
Audience:
right..
right-on!
..applause..
Lenny:
Now, what do you want me to do?
I mean, I could do anything for you.
I could take off my jacket.
I could sing naked.
I mean we are all here with our
terribly shabby human limitations.
What can I possibly do except sing
a few of these .. ..appallingly simple
songs that I've written?
What did you expect?
Audience:
..applause..
Lenny:
Would you like to step outside and fight?
(off mike) Ok!
Audience:
..laughter..
The Critic:
[(drunkenly)
-I don't believe you (?)
or -I'd like to beat you(?)]
(to Audience?)
..He's very funny..
Lenny:
*I'm* very disappointed in *you*!
I thought you'd be a girl!
Audience:
..laughs...
Someone:
[*]
*HE's* gone..
[?]
Audience:
..laughter..
The Critic:
Fuck ..
Lenny:
[terminating,
(obviously
having had enough
of this shit) ]
Ok.
The Critic:
.. for You.
Audience:
applauds Lenny.
(
Stagehand:
(dismissively to "The Critic"):
..that's cool.
Lenny (to Stagehand):
..just a second..
[having decided to give
The Critic the courtesy
of his attention]
)
The Critic:
Your songs are schmaltz, Lenny.
Lenny:
Pardon?
The Critic:
Your songs are *SCHMALTZ*!
Lenny:
Now listen, this may be schmaltz
to you, but it's real life to me.
Audience:
..applause
.."wOWww!"..
..applause ..
Lenny (to Audience):
..you are .. welcome...
Lenny (to The Critic):
You live in some kind of sauna?
Or something? ..
The Critic:
ah ha ha ha { forced phony-laugh }
Lenny:
.. where there's no schmaltz?
What, - do you live in an ice-box?
Or a shower?
Perchance?
Naw, no, seriously, any criticism,
please, let us hear them now.
I wanna hear the worse.
Audience
..applause..
Lenny:
If I've disappointed you
in any kind of way, i mean,
I would be happy to commit suicide.
If anybody has a, - a razor-blade,
I would be happy to cut my wrists
for you. It's the least I could do.
The Critic:
[
my attempted audio restoration
failed here. This part was silence
before the manipulation. Now it's
just incomprehensible what he says.
]
Lenny:
You've got some..
..what with you?
- some suicides?
Audience:
{ laughter }
The Critic:
Yehhe (-forced phony laugh)
Lenny:
I love you anyhow, Agnes(?),
What would I have done without you.
Where are you anyways?
Put on the lights please,
I would like to see...
...I would like the see The Critic!
Audience
..applause..
Lenny (off mike):
It's only you!
Audience:
..laughter..
The Critic:
ha ha ha ha
(forced phony-laugh)
Lenny (on mike):
...why you're just a man,
-just like me!
I thought you might be someone
different.
The Critic:
[ again-
attempted audio restoration failed
]
Lenny:
Yeah, well now you're a lot wiser.
Audience:
laughter
The Critic:
[...?....]
..fuck you!
Lenny:
Pardon?
The Critic:
Were you a Commie?
Lenny:
That's true.
Let's sing.
Audience:
right..
right-on!
..applause..
Lenny:
Now, what do you want me to do?
I mean, I could do anything for you.
I could take off my jacket.
I could sing naked.
I mean we are all here with our
terribly shabby human limitations.
What can I possibly do except sing
a few of these .. ..appallingly simple
songs that I've written?
What did you expect?
Audience:
..applause..
Lenny:
Would you like to step outside and fight?
(off mike) Ok!
Audience:
..laughter..
The Critic:
[(drunkenly)
-I don't believe you (?)
or -I'd like to beat you(?)]
(to Audience?)
..He's very funny..
Lenny:
*I'm* very disappointed in *you*!
I thought you'd be a girl!
Audience:
..laughs...
Someone:
[*]
*HE's* gone..
[?]
Audience:
..laughter..
The Critic:
Fuck ..
Lenny:
[terminating,
(obviously
having had enough
of this shit) ]
Ok.
The Critic:
.. for You.
Audience:
applauds Lenny.
