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Rough Sax
Posted: Thu Feb 16, 2012 1:30 pm
by hophead
ambushed
by that Judas nightfall
cascading down upon me
in a velvety rain
I shake my fist, and
shout obscenities
flaunting my bankrupt etiquette
somewhere in the distance
I hear an angry saxophone
lamenting its misfortunes
there are no rousing choruses
no joy filled ditties
just blame and sadness
Re: Rough Sax
Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 12:51 am
by fishfishquaileye
hophead wrote:ambushed
by that Judas nightfall
cascading down upon me
in a velevty rain
I shake my fist, and
shout obscenities
flaunting my bankrupt etiquette
somewhere in the distance
I hear an angry saxophone
lamenting it’s misfortunes
there are no rousing choruses
no joy filled ditties
just blame and sadness
what is "velevty"? It does sound a little like "velvety", are they by any chance related? As to "lamenting it's misfortunes", would that be it's grammar you have in mind, it's spelling, or it's inability to understand the use of the apostrophe ?
FISH
flaunting his etiquettal bankruptcy
somewhere in the distance I hear an angry pedant
Re: Rough Sax
Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 2:13 pm
by hophead
Do you need a job as a proof reader?
Re: Rough Sax
Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 3:48 pm
by fishfishquaileye
hophead wrote:Do you need a job as a proof reader?
I am currently unemployed so that would be very welcome thank you. When do I start?
Re: Rough Sax
Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 4:21 pm
by lizzytysh
at last, you went right passed the obvious, fish... and past right by:
the title
and then...
nightfall
cascading down upon me
. . .
an angry saxophone
lamenting it’s misfortunes
. . .
no rousing choruses
no joy filled ditties
So much I anticipated in what I expected to be a rewrite... and here you get a proofreader job and I give you your first assignment
.
On a serious note, hophead, I really like your phrase "flaunting my bankrupt etiquette." Such a great description of "shake my fist, and
shout obscenities" I also like the feeling of loneliness, desperation, and desolation in your poem, contrasted with velvety rain.
Re: Rough Sax
Posted: Fri Feb 17, 2012 11:57 pm
by fishfishquaileye
hophead wrote:hairy-bushed
by that Jew, does the knight fall?
castrating down upon me
in a vevlety pain
I shake my milk, and
sprout obscenities
flaunting my bankrupt trousers
somewhere in dis stance
I hear a sexy telephone
tormenting, it's Miss.Fortunes
there are no browsing crocuses
no milk filled titties
just fame and Loch Ness
Re: Rough Sax
Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 6:12 am
by Geoffrey
hophead wrote:
I shake my fist, and
shout obscenities
you bellowed filthy expressions that violate accepted standards of sexual morality; with raised voice you broadcast a tirade of perverse utterancies one associates with the sick mind of a deviant, inexcusably dirty and embarrassing language offensive to the ears of decent people, in all likelihood appertaining to genitalia, body fluids and other such lewd smut - that's what you did, my son. "the mouth speaks what the heart is full of," said the lord.
Re: Rough Sax
Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 2:39 pm
by hophead
fishfishquaileye wrote:hophead wrote:hairy-bushed
by that Jew, does the knight fall?
castrating down upon me
in a vevlety pain
I shake my milk, and
sprout obscenities
flaunting my bankrupt trousers
somewhere in dis stance
I hear a sexy telephone
tormenting, it's Miss.Fortunes
there are no browsing crocuses
no milk filled titties
just fame and Loch Ness
if whiskey were wisdom
the applause would still ring
the masses ecstatic
o'er the songs I would sing
if whiskey were wisdom
if whiskey were wisdom
the scars would not show
the years of dissent
would be but a glow
if whiskey were wisdom
if whiskey were wisdom
the seduction would linger
my companions, many
not one, pointing a finger
if whiskey were wisdom
if whiskey were wisdom
the taunting would stop
my heart would stop bleeding
I would drink one more drop
if whiskey were wisdom
Re: Rough Sax
Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 2:45 pm
by hophead
Geoffrey wrote:hophead wrote:
I shake my fist, and
shout obscenities
you bellowed filthy expressions that violate accepted standards of sexual morality; with raised voice you broadcast a tirade of perverse utterancies one associates with the sick mind of a deviant, inexcusably dirty and embarrassing language offensive to the ears of decent people, in all likelihood appertaining to genitalia, body fluids and other such lewd smut - that's what you did, my son. "the mouth speaks what the heart is full of," said the lord.
Well, to be fair, I was raised a Catholic...
Re: Rough Sax
Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 2:53 pm
by fishfishquaileye
Geoffrey wrote:hophead wrote:
I shake my fist, and
shout obscenities
you bellowed filthy expressions that violate accepted standards of sexual morality; with raised voice you broadcast a tirade of perverse utterancies one associates with the sick mind of a deviant, inexcusably dirty and embarrassing language offensive to the ears of decent people, in all likelihood appertaining to genitalia, body fluids and other such lewd smut - that's what you did, my son. "the mouth speaks what the heart is full of," said the lord.
There is no way that the Lord would end a sentence with a preposition, so I am sorry to say Geoffrey but I feel that the quotation is not authentic.
Re: Rough Sax
Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 4:25 pm
by lizzytysh
I like your 4 responding verses
and your Catholic comment, hophead
~ you're doing well here with all the senselessness.
Re: Rough Sax
Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 7:04 pm
by Geoffrey
fishfishquaileye wrote:There is no way that the Lord would end a sentence with a preposition, so I am sorry to say Geoffrey but I feel that the quotation is not authentic.
jesus might have been a clever bastard when it came to skipping over ponds, transforming tapwater into sparkling claret, making cripples roll up their mattresses, sawing women in half and pulling rabbits out from hats - but when god handed out literacy i'm afraid he was at the back of the queue. he was no man of letters, wouldn't have known a preposition if he was pissing on one. why do you think he didn't write anything? take a butcher's here at matthew 12:34, you doubting thomas:
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?se ... ersion=NIV
Re: Rough Sax
Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 8:49 pm
by Marisha
Geoffrey wrote:fishfishquaileye wrote:There is no way that the Lord would end a sentence with a preposition, so I am sorry to say Geoffrey but I feel that the quotation is not authentic.
jesus might have been a clever bastard when it came to skipping over ponds, transforming tapwater into sparkling claret, making cripples roll up their mattresses, sawing women in half and pulling rabbits out from hats - but when god handed out literacy i'm afraid he was at the back of the queue. he was no man of letters, wouldn't have known a preposition if he was pissing on one. why do you think he didn't write anything? take a butcher's here at matthew 12:34, you doubting thomas:
http://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?se ... ersion=NIV
when was tennis first mentioned in the bible? prize of 1 banana to first person who answers correctly.
Re: Rough Sax
Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 9:47 pm
by Geoffrey
Marisha wrote:when was tennis first mentioned in the bible? prize of 1 banana to first person who answers correctly.
well, verily i say unto thee that i am not sure. the disciples could often be heard making a racket, but none of them had any balls.
Re: Rough Sax
Posted: Sat Feb 18, 2012 10:02 pm
by Marisha
Very good effort from a non-scholar of the Book. It is of course when Moses served in Pharaoh's court.