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I wrote this poem one afternoon when I was on duty in the exclusion room in a secondary school. This room contained a number of pupils who had been sent out of their classes for varying misdemeanours.
That particular afternoon the mix of pupils was not good.
In fact they sat at their desks with an air of arrogance.
No talking, no communicating, all facing forward
towards me...their resident host for the afternoon.
This particular afternoon required all my skills as an educator (or captor) of children.
I started to write on a blank piece of paper. They thought I was jotting down their names for future evidence and prosecution
This poem is the outcome. It will not go down in the great annals of great poetry but it kept my sanity for that moment in time. I think the background to the poem is as important.
They never saw it but it served it's purpose on that day


I sit in exclusion
staring
into the abyss
that masquerades
as the next generation.
Removed from their place of learning
they contemplate
their next move.
I deny that right.
The strategy for conflict
hangs heavy
for there is no remorse.
I sit in exclusion
staring.

(apologies to those same pupils who are now, probably, model citizens who help old ladies to cross roads )

Pete

I really liked this Pete in particular


"towards me...their resident host for the afternoon".

and that wasn't even part of the poem, that made the poem for me that insight, icon

thanks Paula
It may be a short poem but it was a long afternoon.

By the way, how did that apostrophe get in? I think there must be a bug in the software somewhere
Educator of children??? I do numbers

Pete

It sounds to me like you did very well in dealing with a difficult afternoon, Pete. I'll choose to believe [since I'll never know] that most [probably not all....and I won't guess which one they are ] are doing very well, indeed......those adolescent hormones impacting them only for the time being. Your poem certainly got you through your day. YaY.

~Elizabeth

Hey Pete,
I loved your poem and the explanation of background too. Actually, the exlplanation made a good poem too. When in doubt write it out and everything is grist for the mill seem to apply here.f it is what I always tell my daughters about life's difficulties and all three of them are becoming writers in one way or another. We writers are so lucky that way. kathy

Dear Pete,
I liked your poem!
Can I refer to the lines "The strategy for conflict / hangs heavy"?
Would it be better to use "Our" or "Their" or "My" instead of "The"?
In the second last line, would "We" work better than "I"?
Yours, Andrew.

Hi Andrew
Thanks for the comments and thanks for taking the time to offer advice. I posted a message a while back saying I would welcome any pointers etc.

'We sit in exclusion staring' provides an added twist. 'I sit in exclusion staring' was used to reinforce the situation from my perspective and to leave the poem where I started...'I sit in exclusion'...therefore giving an impression that the conflict was not over.

'The strategy for conflict'.....I'm trying to imply their strategy...their silent way of unifying against authority. I suppose I had a strategy, but not to further the conflict. This has got me thinking.

I actually changed this part of the poem when I typed it in. Originally I wrote;
The strategy for conflict
hangs heavy.
There is no remorse.

I need more time to think about the strategy bit. 'The strategy' is non- committal regarding ownership.
Regards
Pete

The non-committal-ownership aspect of "the" strategy is what I liked with the way you did it, Pete. It left it open, for either you or them, to claim or act upon. It made it impersonal and totally objective, being unable to look into their minds and determine what, if any, strategy they actually may or may not have had. It seemed to be the feeling in the room that conveyed that there might be one brewing [if strategies brew, that is ].
~Lizzytysh

Dear Pete,
I've been thinking again about your poem, have read your reply to my post, and want to put some more points:
"This strategy of conflict"?
"We sit in exclusion /staring " provides a closure for the poem which alludes both to the first line and the forced togetherness of the situation.
Please reply: I can see myself in your poem.
Andrew.

Hi Pete,
A caution... explaining what a poem is 'about' before one has a chance to experience it, can sometimes hinder more than help. We already picture you in the room, what your emotions were, etc. etc. and that can interfere with a 'pure' reading of the poem itself. This is particularly true of a short poem. In a sense, you only get to read it once, because then you know how it 'turns out'.

Have you considered 'starting' with:
We sit in exclusion.
I staring
...
then I would like to see a stanza break before:
Removed from their place of learning

and another break before:
The strategy for conflict (I wonder what eliminating the 'the' and just starting with Strategy would do?

Then ending with We sit in exclusion
staring

rounds it off nicely, as Andrew suggested.

Definitely a sense of 'who is the jailer and who is the prisoner here'! And remember, 'defending' your poem is your duty and your right. In doing so you can often achieve a better sense of clarity about what you are really trying to say.

You asked for it, darlin'... you got it!

Do you read your poems aloud to yourself?

I saw you too, Andrew... third row, last seat, rough diamond...

Babz

To Babz,
"rough diamond"(sic).....I've been called many things in my life so far, and, needing all the compliments I can get just now, your words made me sparkle! So keep the compliments flowing, you and everyone else on this board! I think I'm going through the andropause, so every little bit helps.
To Pete,
You wrote "I do numbers"....are you a teacher of mathematics? If so, then we share the same discipline. I teach maths and write poetry: one is a job, the other keeps me off the streets and getting into trouble with the law!
To both of you,
Keep posting!
Andrew.

I agree with Babz next time Pete, don't tell what it's about. It has so much more impact, even now, when you cover up your explanation with something. (and we can always ask if we can't work it out... like I am thinking of doing with B's poem )

very good advice Babz!!

Sue

Thanks, Sue. Heh heh... ask away! I'll make something up! One of the things I love about getting feedback is someone pointing out something I had no idea was in the poem!

Andrew: We are here for you, love. Courage!

Peace
Babz

To all the poets here:

Well, here we go with the "one man's ______ is another man's ______." For me as a reader, I used to always bypass the Preface, Foreword, Introduction, Prologue, Editor's Notes, Translator's Notes, even Table of Contents at the beginning of writings, just wanting to get to the writing itself. Then, for whatever reason, with a particular book, I opted to read every word from the very beginning. For me the discovery was like, "Geez. They actually put these here for a reason [duh ~ surprize, surprize!] and it adds a lot to what follows, with a larger frame/structure and "overview" for more enhanced viewing."

That's how I see the poets here who have done this....making the reader aware of what their inspiration was, or what they were privy to when either their inspiration for their poem occurred, or when they wrote the poem. It adds [for me] nuances and significance to what I read. I feel I get more out of it as I result.

With Babz's poem, knowing it was written in the Adirondacks allows me to appreciate even more by seeing the night sky, the smell of the air, and the visuals of the morning. I know how these add to magic and they add to the poem, without her having to describe these particular things.

With Pete's poem, knowing the approximate age of the students, tells me much about the intensity of the attitudes that can accompany those placed in exclusion for behavioural issues. Knowing that he wrote it as a way to bide his time productively, and minimize the possibility of outright confrontation, gives me insight to the poet, as well as puts me in his place with those children.

With Andrew's poem, knowing the particulars of the statue, and that it was based on a statue and written virtually immediately due to having been deeply moved by it [and then to find out that what he had written correlated so closely with the vision of the person who created the statue], only lends more historical significance and underscores that combination of inanimate/animate that can be so effective.

With SongKathy's poem, knowing that it was written in response to one of Leonard's and being able to read Leonard's first, lends the gentle point-counterpoint pattern that makes it so touching.

Knowing that Emily Dickinson lived in relative isolation and how she died, adds poignancy to her writings. There are many etc.'s to this, with other writers.

With Leonard's songs, we appreciate his short intros, when he gives them, for the subtleties they bring to the song as we listen. When he doesn't give them, we still tend to want them.

The details that precede don't necessarily have to be in the same format as the poem itself, yet they can add [for me] and not detract from the poem itself. Covering up the introduction after its been read, the poem may seem more powerful [and for a particular reader may be], yet the benefit has already been gleaned from that introduction for the reader, as well as for the writer, who was in the situation himself and didn't need to read it before writing. Putting things in context helps me to appreciate more fully what I'm reading, and still doesn't rob me of identifying with it in the context of my own life.

For those of you who feel compelled to omit any explanatory words preceding your poem, it would be great if you could at least do a follow-up in the same or additional post, to give the background, so that some of us [at least me] can read that for even deeper appreciation, and then go back and re-read the poem in its original and "proper" context.

Thanks.

~Lizzytysh

Thankyou for all your contributions to this thread. I have been away for a few days and was pleasantly surprised how you had all been talking about it when my back was turned.
It's difficult to take on board all the suggestions. I have enjoyed reading the differences of opinion and have appreciated the opportunity to reflect.
Do I change the poem? In my head I have assimilated all versions and that is where they stay but if anyone wants to rewrite it in its entirity then please do so.

I also find this section most invaluable. I wrote much poetry 30 years ago and when I re-read it I find that it has not stood the test of time. After a gap of 30 years I picked the pen up again and these poems poured forth. Just like 30 years ago, they look good to me.
The interactions in this forum have enticed me. I do not usually have the time to read literature or prose at great length but this medium has become my page.
Andrew...I emailed you last week re graffiti. Will re e mail re 'doing numbers'

Pete