An excerpt of a letter.
Posted: Mon Nov 09, 2009 4:15 am
My story has been roaming around these boards within the last 3 and a half weeks now with songs and poetry and I know some people have been responding. I felt compelled to post this, but did not know where, seeing as it is not a poem or a piece of music. But since some people are familiar with it already I figured this would be the place to post it. I wrote a nine page letter 3 weeks ago in an attempt to reach the heart of a person I care deeply about. She did not want to hear me speak it, so I wrote it. I am still wrestling with my conscience on whether or not I should even send it to her. I am terrified that if I do I might be making things worse. And I am terrified that if I don't then I can only expect to continue living the worst misery I've ever experienced in this life. If I send it she may not even read it, considering she did not want me to speak to her. If I don't send it she may continue living happily. I want her to be happy. I hope that she is. But I am not, and if she cares at all about my happiness then I hope she will let me say what I need to say. However, as the letter is deeply personal I only wanted to share an excerpt. So, here it is:
It’s 9:18 right now. I should be out with you, having fun, laughing, getting drunk, smiling at each other, eating my meat and watching you eat your vegetables. I should be telling you that are you beautiful and intelligent and interesting and so cool it stings. I should be rocking out to some music, singing, dancing, swimming, holding hands, watching a movie, chasing after you in some concert venue parking lot, feeling lost without you near, talking about life and philosophy, sitting in silence, enjoying every moment you’re in my company. But instead I’m sitting here feeling my heart cave in within my chest and letting it bleed out all over this letter that I’m not so sure I should even send you. Yes, I have my doubts too. But you’re the tutor, and I’ve had help understanding how to live with them.
I took a walk not too long ago and sat on a bench to think some things over. I know the world is a lonely place. I saw a lonely kid ride by on his skateboard. I wondered what he was afraid of. Was he afraid something might happen to him on the way to his destination? A lonely car pulled into the lonely empty parking lot and the light came on from the inside. Was the driver afraid he did not know where he was going? There was one lonely star in a sky full of brooding clouds. Was it trying to say, “Hey, look at me?” Was it afraid that no one would notice? A lonely McDonald’s bag of garbage sat in a parking space where someone had left it. Was it afraid that it was made just to be a carrier for some momentary joy and then discarded to be forever a piece of litter? The pictures on the inside windows of the nail spa and dentist places had pictures of pretty people with smiles on their faces. They didn’t look too lonely to me but I knew that they were. They were afraid that if they didn’t have what that place of business offered that they wouldn’t be attractive or worth anyone’s attention. I stared at the lonely cracks in the pavement and wondered when they would get up to defend themselves against the few drops of rain that casually came down to attack them. They were too lonely to care. The lonely little fountain by the movie theater danced with a fledgling heart but it had an audience of a few slim, barren, lonely trees and empty benches, except for me. A lonely guy sat staring at it, trying to give it some hope, trying to tell it that it was good enough for me to watch. It was good enough for me to sit in the company of. The world is full of loneliness.
I’m tired of waking up every morning telling myself that I’m lonely. I’m tired of telling myself that I’m not good enough for love, not good enough for the people I care about. I know that it’s not true. I am worthy of love and I am worthy of the people I care about. I want to be true and say what I feel. I’m tired of screwing up, failing with love, and living that lie. And what if this starts to be the truth? What if this starts to be something? Here’s a true story for you: one day an angel came into my life. A magnificent woman that opened my eyes. I can watch the sun rise overhead, the clouds roll past the moon. I can see one star in the sky for what it is. Not some lonely space gas emission that is afraid it won’t be seen. I see it as the one gorgeous and naked creature that is not afraid to stand up to the dark and heavy clouds to say, “I am what I am, and I may not be the greatest thing on earth, but I know that these dark forces will not keep me from being what I am and for that I am truly free.” I can see it all now thanks to her. She was good enough inside to shake me up and never judge me for all of my faults. To accept me for what I am. Even if it’s not much.
A*****, I think I have found the secret to happiness. You have to focus on the important things in life. As long as you know you tried your best at everything you’ve sought after then you can be happy that you’re still alive. That it has not killed you in the process. You’re never going to have everything that you want and I don’t think anybody should. When you’re overwhelmed with all the bad things, all the things that are wrong with the world you’re never going to find that happiness. But those shouldn’t be the important things in life. What is important in my life is you. If you've been gracious enough to read this letter then I’m certain that I tried my best and I am happy knowing you’ve at least allowed me that much. Maybe I can’t win your affection but you’ve won mine. You win.
Do you know what I love about you? Your impaired vision. Yes, it’s true. I love the fact that you have to wear glasses because you can’t see well. Neither can I. You can’t see how beautiful you are sometimes. Especially on the inside. I also love all of your piercings. You’re crazy enough to mark your skin in odd places with pieces of metal and I just think the world of it. I love that you draw. I used to draw when I was younger and I was pretty good at it but it seems to be a passion of yours. Anyone with that much artistic creativity and passion for it is cool in my book. I love that you have Jesus candles lying around your apartment because you say it makes for good decorations. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be reminded of all the pain and wrongdoing religion has caused the world? I love that your place is messy and you keep dead flowers. It reflects your messy attitudes and I dig that immensely. I love that you’re a crazy driver and you drive me crazy. Half the time I feel like I might die in an accident when I’m in the car with you but at least I can feel good knowing I’ll die in your passenger seat and not someone else’s. I love how much you’re into vampires. It’s pain and pleasure both that vampires seem to offer and I understand that danger in you. I love that you are into pirates and sword fighting. The danger of adventure and toy swords makes me giggle sometimes. I love how much you love nature. I always wished I could be that way, be self-reliant. I think nature’s great, but I hate camping. You love to go hiking and camping and I can’t stand it, but if you asked me to I’d go with you in a heartbeat. I love that you’re a vegetarian because you care about the feelings of animals. I love that you care about their feelings but not mine, or any other human for that matter. We are wicked people, born to ravage and abuse every resource we have, including animals. But you’re standing up for them. That puts a smile on my face, even as I eat one of them. They were born for slaughter and consumption, oblivious to the perils of the world, oblivious of their own demise. When I was born I wasn’t aware of the perils of the world, or aware that I’d face such insurmountable odds when it came to love. And then I was slaughtered and this gluttonous world cooked me over an open flame and ate me with a side of greed and wrath. Washed it down with some vanity.
You know what else I love about you? That you’re a tutor. I do. I have always thought that teachers had one of the most thankless jobs in the world. I always thought teachers were misunderstood. You’re a tutor and that’s close enough. You still have to teach without doing the work for them. Education is important and you have taught me so much. I love that you always talk about how much you think other guys are hot when you’re in my presence just to make me jealous. You can never win their affection because they’re just on a picture or a screen, but you’ve got mine and it’s not enough for you. I love that you turn me inside out when you say those things. I love how you shriek over the phone when your cat bites or scratches you. It’s a sexy, guttural, animalistic shrill of a shriek. I love that you prefer sociology over psychology because it’s easier for you to look outside for answers and to study groups of people that you’re not a part of than it is to look inside yourself or study the mind of a single person because of what horrors you may find that parallel your own life. Yes, I love that. I love that you look towards astrology for answers. You feel that you’re not in control of your own fate and the magical stars are going to tell you how to live and behave and you’re going to apply all the generic descriptions to your life and be mesmerized at how truthful and real they all seem. I dig that so much about you. I love how much you hate the world. It’s a fucking ugly place, but there is beauty to be found there. I spent years treading through the garbage just to find you. I hated every minute of it but it was worth it just to be near you. I love that you feel you need to be friends with a bunch of guys just so you can justify your self-worth. What guy doesn’t want to be in the presence of a babe like you? I love that you want to wear a sexy policewoman outfit for Halloween to prove your self-worth to all of them. I love that you think you have to get drunk just to have a good time. You don’t feel that you’re good enough for someone’s company when you’re sober and that’s sad. But I love it. I love that you sock me on the shoulder when you’re having a good time. It lets me know my presence has made you happy. I love that you’re into ‘80s music. For as much cheese and over-the-top emotion and synthetic sounds as it has produced it is still fucking awesome and you know it.
I love how much love you have for things. I know I said you hate the world, and you’ve got a bitter side like most of us. But I know you look past it most of the time and are a forgiving person. That quality is admirable and respectable. With all the love you give and the willingness to learn and change I just feel overwhelmed with the enormous amount of beauty that is in your heart. Some of the things I listed are some of the worst things about you too. They are some of your worst qualities you have but I cannot help myself to think of them and feel this deep, strong affection for you. I am taken with everything about you.
But the greatest thing I love about you is your smile. It gives me warmth. I see that grin and I melt inside. It’s inviting. It’s refreshing. It’s invigorating. It’s inspirational. It reels me in and I can’t help but to submit to it. It lets me know that the world is as it should be. The world is right because A***** smiles and that, to me, is more comforting than anything.
It’s 9:18 right now. I should be out with you, having fun, laughing, getting drunk, smiling at each other, eating my meat and watching you eat your vegetables. I should be telling you that are you beautiful and intelligent and interesting and so cool it stings. I should be rocking out to some music, singing, dancing, swimming, holding hands, watching a movie, chasing after you in some concert venue parking lot, feeling lost without you near, talking about life and philosophy, sitting in silence, enjoying every moment you’re in my company. But instead I’m sitting here feeling my heart cave in within my chest and letting it bleed out all over this letter that I’m not so sure I should even send you. Yes, I have my doubts too. But you’re the tutor, and I’ve had help understanding how to live with them.
I took a walk not too long ago and sat on a bench to think some things over. I know the world is a lonely place. I saw a lonely kid ride by on his skateboard. I wondered what he was afraid of. Was he afraid something might happen to him on the way to his destination? A lonely car pulled into the lonely empty parking lot and the light came on from the inside. Was the driver afraid he did not know where he was going? There was one lonely star in a sky full of brooding clouds. Was it trying to say, “Hey, look at me?” Was it afraid that no one would notice? A lonely McDonald’s bag of garbage sat in a parking space where someone had left it. Was it afraid that it was made just to be a carrier for some momentary joy and then discarded to be forever a piece of litter? The pictures on the inside windows of the nail spa and dentist places had pictures of pretty people with smiles on their faces. They didn’t look too lonely to me but I knew that they were. They were afraid that if they didn’t have what that place of business offered that they wouldn’t be attractive or worth anyone’s attention. I stared at the lonely cracks in the pavement and wondered when they would get up to defend themselves against the few drops of rain that casually came down to attack them. They were too lonely to care. The lonely little fountain by the movie theater danced with a fledgling heart but it had an audience of a few slim, barren, lonely trees and empty benches, except for me. A lonely guy sat staring at it, trying to give it some hope, trying to tell it that it was good enough for me to watch. It was good enough for me to sit in the company of. The world is full of loneliness.
I’m tired of waking up every morning telling myself that I’m lonely. I’m tired of telling myself that I’m not good enough for love, not good enough for the people I care about. I know that it’s not true. I am worthy of love and I am worthy of the people I care about. I want to be true and say what I feel. I’m tired of screwing up, failing with love, and living that lie. And what if this starts to be the truth? What if this starts to be something? Here’s a true story for you: one day an angel came into my life. A magnificent woman that opened my eyes. I can watch the sun rise overhead, the clouds roll past the moon. I can see one star in the sky for what it is. Not some lonely space gas emission that is afraid it won’t be seen. I see it as the one gorgeous and naked creature that is not afraid to stand up to the dark and heavy clouds to say, “I am what I am, and I may not be the greatest thing on earth, but I know that these dark forces will not keep me from being what I am and for that I am truly free.” I can see it all now thanks to her. She was good enough inside to shake me up and never judge me for all of my faults. To accept me for what I am. Even if it’s not much.
A*****, I think I have found the secret to happiness. You have to focus on the important things in life. As long as you know you tried your best at everything you’ve sought after then you can be happy that you’re still alive. That it has not killed you in the process. You’re never going to have everything that you want and I don’t think anybody should. When you’re overwhelmed with all the bad things, all the things that are wrong with the world you’re never going to find that happiness. But those shouldn’t be the important things in life. What is important in my life is you. If you've been gracious enough to read this letter then I’m certain that I tried my best and I am happy knowing you’ve at least allowed me that much. Maybe I can’t win your affection but you’ve won mine. You win.
Do you know what I love about you? Your impaired vision. Yes, it’s true. I love the fact that you have to wear glasses because you can’t see well. Neither can I. You can’t see how beautiful you are sometimes. Especially on the inside. I also love all of your piercings. You’re crazy enough to mark your skin in odd places with pieces of metal and I just think the world of it. I love that you draw. I used to draw when I was younger and I was pretty good at it but it seems to be a passion of yours. Anyone with that much artistic creativity and passion for it is cool in my book. I love that you have Jesus candles lying around your apartment because you say it makes for good decorations. I mean, who wouldn’t want to be reminded of all the pain and wrongdoing religion has caused the world? I love that your place is messy and you keep dead flowers. It reflects your messy attitudes and I dig that immensely. I love that you’re a crazy driver and you drive me crazy. Half the time I feel like I might die in an accident when I’m in the car with you but at least I can feel good knowing I’ll die in your passenger seat and not someone else’s. I love how much you’re into vampires. It’s pain and pleasure both that vampires seem to offer and I understand that danger in you. I love that you are into pirates and sword fighting. The danger of adventure and toy swords makes me giggle sometimes. I love how much you love nature. I always wished I could be that way, be self-reliant. I think nature’s great, but I hate camping. You love to go hiking and camping and I can’t stand it, but if you asked me to I’d go with you in a heartbeat. I love that you’re a vegetarian because you care about the feelings of animals. I love that you care about their feelings but not mine, or any other human for that matter. We are wicked people, born to ravage and abuse every resource we have, including animals. But you’re standing up for them. That puts a smile on my face, even as I eat one of them. They were born for slaughter and consumption, oblivious to the perils of the world, oblivious of their own demise. When I was born I wasn’t aware of the perils of the world, or aware that I’d face such insurmountable odds when it came to love. And then I was slaughtered and this gluttonous world cooked me over an open flame and ate me with a side of greed and wrath. Washed it down with some vanity.
You know what else I love about you? That you’re a tutor. I do. I have always thought that teachers had one of the most thankless jobs in the world. I always thought teachers were misunderstood. You’re a tutor and that’s close enough. You still have to teach without doing the work for them. Education is important and you have taught me so much. I love that you always talk about how much you think other guys are hot when you’re in my presence just to make me jealous. You can never win their affection because they’re just on a picture or a screen, but you’ve got mine and it’s not enough for you. I love that you turn me inside out when you say those things. I love how you shriek over the phone when your cat bites or scratches you. It’s a sexy, guttural, animalistic shrill of a shriek. I love that you prefer sociology over psychology because it’s easier for you to look outside for answers and to study groups of people that you’re not a part of than it is to look inside yourself or study the mind of a single person because of what horrors you may find that parallel your own life. Yes, I love that. I love that you look towards astrology for answers. You feel that you’re not in control of your own fate and the magical stars are going to tell you how to live and behave and you’re going to apply all the generic descriptions to your life and be mesmerized at how truthful and real they all seem. I dig that so much about you. I love how much you hate the world. It’s a fucking ugly place, but there is beauty to be found there. I spent years treading through the garbage just to find you. I hated every minute of it but it was worth it just to be near you. I love that you feel you need to be friends with a bunch of guys just so you can justify your self-worth. What guy doesn’t want to be in the presence of a babe like you? I love that you want to wear a sexy policewoman outfit for Halloween to prove your self-worth to all of them. I love that you think you have to get drunk just to have a good time. You don’t feel that you’re good enough for someone’s company when you’re sober and that’s sad. But I love it. I love that you sock me on the shoulder when you’re having a good time. It lets me know my presence has made you happy. I love that you’re into ‘80s music. For as much cheese and over-the-top emotion and synthetic sounds as it has produced it is still fucking awesome and you know it.
I love how much love you have for things. I know I said you hate the world, and you’ve got a bitter side like most of us. But I know you look past it most of the time and are a forgiving person. That quality is admirable and respectable. With all the love you give and the willingness to learn and change I just feel overwhelmed with the enormous amount of beauty that is in your heart. Some of the things I listed are some of the worst things about you too. They are some of your worst qualities you have but I cannot help myself to think of them and feel this deep, strong affection for you. I am taken with everything about you.
But the greatest thing I love about you is your smile. It gives me warmth. I see that grin and I melt inside. It’s inviting. It’s refreshing. It’s invigorating. It’s inspirational. It reels me in and I can’t help but to submit to it. It lets me know that the world is as it should be. The world is right because A***** smiles and that, to me, is more comforting than anything.