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I have hidden myself inside this shell
And you inquire as to if you can have a look
But that ruins the mystery of who I am
And if you do not know, maybe you will erroneously suppose
That hidden in the grotto my spirit has fecundity
It would bring my end for me to discover
That I am not as great as I should be; nor great at all
Please let me stand here meet and timid
With words too elaborate
To detail these feelings of nothingness
How hard it is to glance into myself
That much harder to let you witness
Then to have to listen to your testimony
Of why I should boycott this hibernation
Which was created by the judgements
That were cast off and sent without love
You tell me you wish for my levity
So that you may pass your own verdict
But I forsee the moment of weakness
My arrogance making its opening appearance
I watch the repulsion of yours it will have created
Which no amount of humility can ever revise
Our virgin relation becoming forever tainted
No, you cannot look at this urchin
With a soul that is marred and spoiled
From the rote of dark and cold
But there is no rain and no snow
And no one to stomp on my soul
Then leave it sitting at the end of the curb
To be picked up and taken away
How afraid I am of the guffaw that might follow
The removal of my sacred haven
Which is cowardice, only my cowardice
That I am using as an excuse to live in a dream
So I will not have to face the reality
That is so candid and simple and plain
You pass away from me, and rightly so
I need your love, but you cannot give it
I pray that my humbleness will flourish
For then I can cast off this shield
And live in the world as it actually is
So I must become honest and learn to love
Even that which does not love me.

jmflash~ The insights here are amazing. Shy or not, i think we all deal with perceptions cast upon us and have to decide whether they pass the test of reality or mere shadows of what is the truth. When we don't know ourselves, it is nearly impossible to not get caught up in the opinions of others. What a nightmare that is.

I think the first 7 lines are dispensible. Like a warm up to what is really the point. Then this poem takes off with astonishing revalations. You can almost feel the pain it takes to squeeze out these lines of self examination.

The yearning for approval and the self-fulfilled prophesy of rejection leaves the speaker in such a quandry.

I am going throught some soul-searching with my teenage niece that deals with this in a way. A book was recommended titled: "I hate you, Don't leave me!" In a way this poem reminds me of that message. I don't see 'hate' here. Just the tug and pull that comes with a conflict so basely personal in nature. The fear, the fear, the fear of standing naked and being rejected. Admitting we Need Love. So simple, but so complex.

I see this poignantly spelled out in your poem. And you did this without appearing 'pitiful' just honest. A great feat! Lovely poem. regards, Laurie

Hi jmflash ~

I like the way you get deep down in there and sort through the debris to try to see what really is what. Somehow reminds me of after a fire, when people search to see what they have left that is still real. You look at it with the same complexity that it really has. Great job sorting.

~ Lizzy

Thanks laurie and liz, I appreciate the positive comments.