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Shedding Skin

Her green eyes are focused
Like a coiled rattlesnake
Ready to strike its prey

Her red lips are hungry
Like an ancient vampire
Whose slept for centuries
And awakes to taste crimson ambrosia

Her purple tongue
Is strangely sweet and seductive
Flickering in and out, with malevolence
But you don’t care

Although each kiss brings you closer to the reaper
And each embrace brings your soul closer to hell
You don’t care

Because being with her
Is like shedding skin
Reincarnated by lust
And born again

Outside of heaven’s gates
Our hearts our discarded like fallen angels
Tossed aside and left to rot
Like morals when they’re inconvenient

Hi Jabble
love your poem
Forbidden Fruit eh !

jabble524 wrote:Outside of heaven’s gates
Our hearts our discarded like fallen angels
Tossed aside and left to rot
Like morals when they’re inconvenient

Wondering about this piece though
'our hearts our (??) discarded '-is this a typo ?
Is it not the heart that leads to Forbidden Fruit

You could tighten it up a little and remove a few cluttering clichés; but it is all there jab524. I enjoyed your brave bitterness.

Outside of heaven’s gates
Our hearts our discarded like fallen angels
Tossed aside and left to rot
Like morals when they’re inconvenient

For example, I would tighten it up as follows:

Outside of heaven’s gates
Our hearts discarded
Tossed aside
Like morals when they’re inconvenient.

Regards, MatbbgmephistoJ

That is a typo on my part, it should be "are". I've been taking statistics this semester for college, and I think it's been draining all of my brainpower- haha. The heart is exactly what leads to forbidden fruit, and that's why the heart's are outside of heaven's gates. I was raised very Catholic and went to Catholic High School, and the teachings were always: no sex before marriage, no tasting forbidden fruits, no acting on lust or desires, etc. Because if you do these things, you won't go to heaven. Instead you'll burn / rot in hell. The reference to shedding skin is meant to say shedding those religious teachings, from my upbringing, in the face of lust and desire. Tasting the forbidden fruit without caring about the consequences. Tossing religious morals and teachings aside because they've become inconvenient to your way of life, and they no longer represent your current thoughts on lust, desire, and forbidden fruits.

Thanks for the feedback,
Jason

Hi Jason, I imagine poetry's a nice break from stats.

Are you an H.P. Lovecraft fan by any chance?

Thanks for the feedback. Poetry and just about anything else is a nice break from Stats, only two and a half weeks to go before summer. I haven't ever read any Lovecraft, but my brother has all his books, so I will check it out. I think my poem needed some work, so here is a revised version.

Her green eyes are focused
Like a coiled rattlesnake
Ready to strike its prey

Her red lips are hungry
Like an ancient vampire
Who’s slept for centuries
And awakes to hunt once more

Her purple tongue
Is strangely sweet and seductive
Flickering in and out, with malevolence
But I don’t care

Although each venomous kiss
Brings me closer to the reaper
And each sinful embrace
Brings my soul closer to hell
I don’t care

Because being with her
Is like shedding skin
Reincarnated by lust
And born again

Outside of heaven’s gates
Our hearts are carelessly discarded
Like broken wedding vows
Our souls tossed aside to rot
Like morals when they’re inconvenient

What I really like is the nature of your poem. Its so consistent carnality and the other word I can't think of no matter how hard I try. That word that tells how we go back to the basest part of our nature. The 'beastly' parts of us. Ah! When I think of it, I'll edit and put it here. There is NO REASON why I shouldn't have simply typed it in with ease... instead, I'm looking at a blank, mind screen .


~ Lizzy

Hello again Jason. You're doing a good job with your revisions.

I do like this better as first person, also your changes to Stanza two are also good, much smoother.

If you're still playing with this piece some things you might want to consider

Purple tongue - Tongues are wonderfully erotic things. When you say purple tongue I think of a girl eating purple sugar from one of those lic-m sticks, but I think I've left your poem.
Also two likes in the last stanza might be a bit much.

---
Lizzy, do you mean primal or innate.
I like this type of conflict, the Narrators innate truth is in contention with the Narrators learned truth.

"primal"! That was exactly the word I was looking for, Cate... I could see and hear the drums wildly beating, but that word wouldn't come front and center to save my life! THANK YOU, Mz. Thesaurus!

Yes, innate is the word that works in the context you rightly use it... and what I also like about Jason's poem.


~ Lizzy

Thanks for the feedback, and for the kind words. That's really what I was thinking when I wrote the poem, like the most primal, most basic instincts. Versus the learned teachings of religious beliefs, which run contrary to those primal and basic instincts. Then the internal conflict between religion and desire, between religion and instinct.

Anyways, I hope all is well-

Jason