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boy this is bad but the cohen spirit over took me again...


Hotel Villanelle

Inside my mind they still exist;
Adrift upon a bed at noon,
Two naked bodies talking death.

That came in need and fell to tryst,
Then lay that way all summer long,
Till hands were limp and passionless.

They never moved except to kiss,
In nestled heat of swollen rooms,
Two naked bodies talking death.

The painful truths that want insists,
Will grind to ends on afternoons
Till hands hang limp and passionless.

Then pale remains that desire left
Will rise up and rejoin the throng,
Two naked bodies aching death.

On summer days I think of this,
When long we have returned to home
And limbs are limp and passionless,
And naked bodies talk of death.

Hey there,
I was scrolling through the poems and happened upon this one by you.
It appeals to me, I really like it.
Thanks

Hi Woody,

I agree with Deelyn. This one is quite lovely. It makes me sweat a little...in a good way.

woody wrote:boy this is bad but the cohen spirit over took me again...


Hotel Villanelle

Inside my mind they still exist;
Adrift upon a bed at noon,
Two naked bodies talking death.

That came in need and fell to tryst,
Then lay that way all summer long,
Till hands were limp and passionless.

They never moved except to kiss,
In nestled heat of swollen rooms,
Two naked bodies talking death.

The painful truths that want insists,
Will grind to ends on afternoons
Till hands hang limp and passionless.

Then pale remains that desire left
Will rise up and rejoin the throng,
Two naked bodies aching death.

On summer days I think of this,
When long we have returned to home
And limbs are limp and passionless,
And naked bodies talk of death.

Hi Woody, I agree with the above comments, this is good work... quite powerful...

I'm wondering about the rhythm though of "Then pale remains that desire left, will rise up and rejoin the throng"... maybe try... "Then pale remains desire had left, rise up again, rejoin the throng"... just a suggestion... might not be right either...

Any case, quite good... hands that are limp and passionless... naked bodies talk of death... well phrased imagery speaking of sexuality and death... "in nestled heat of swollen rooms," I wouldn't think would work, and yet it does... nice when the power of words convinces us of something somehow illogical...

... maybe try "They" came in need and fell to tryst... instead of "That" came in need... again, just a suggestion...

v i o l e t

Thank you for the kind response.
Violet- I agree with your suggestions and have actually incorporated them.
Thanks again.

Inside my mind they still exist;
Adrift upon a bed at noon,
Two naked bodies talking death.

Inside my mind they still exist
Adrift upon a bed at noon;
Two naked bodies talking death.

...They never moved except to kiss,
In nestled heat of swollen rooms,
Two naked bodies talking death.

They never moved except to kiss
In nestled heat of swollen rooms;
Two naked bodies talking death.

and so on.


I like the archaic flow Woody. It is a bit like the Lady of Shalott meets/beds the Highwayman or the other way around.
I feel the poem would benefit from punctuation adjustments, as above.
Just a thought.
Mat.

thanks mat. i'm appalling at punctuation. i can't make it work. spelling i can improve but still after so many years i struggle with punctuation. so i thank you for help and will make the adjustments.
the archaic flow is down to the form, which is very stately and old fashioned... about the only poem where i've used a traditional structure.
thanks for your input.

Hi Woody ~

This was quite the read. "They came in need and fell to tryst" ~ a wonderful way of describing the overpowering nature of need and its satisfaction. I really like your "till hands were limp and passionless" ~ such a great description of the process and I also really like "In nestled heat of swollen rooms" ~ unique way to describe exactly how they have felt during those times. In its restriction, it becomes a very erotic description of lovemaking.

[As you can see, I, too, like Violet's suggestions.]


~ Lizzy