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Revisited


As I lay totally alone on the darkened and desolate hospital bed
My eyes, cloudy, opaque and very, very red
My face the fortune of my own life and living
Furrowed and leathered and time was not forgiving
I remembered my youth over ninety five years ago
When I was running through the bog grass, all covered with cold, white, snow
I came to a unique, magical clearing, that was near to the dark wood
With an ice-cold river that sparkled, life was so very good
I felt that this Earth was a huge, daunting and serene place
I did not realise the complexities of it's orbit or gyrations in Space
Time had no meaning, there was just the feeling of being alone and free
As I watched the golden polygon of a magical fairy hover around the trunk of a special tree
It hovered and danced, the universal dance, I watched it for a while
And I left that clearing, content, happy and with a great beaming smile
Now, I am lying in a tight, elastic, space
Confined, warm, not able to stretch or even touch my face
I was connected, although i felt separate, in the Universe of the embryonic womb
As I thought to myself, that this was much warmer and more inviting, than the damp, grassy, cold of the tomb
So, I lay there thinking of the quiet, loneliness of the hospital room
A golden, radiant, glow came out of my open stared and muddy gloom
Although my eyes were weak and under some strain
I could see the magic of seeing that beautiful, golden, polygon, fairy, again
I followed it , down a dark tunnel into a room of loving and pure light
I could view my body, way down below, lifeless and stiff, in the dusk of the serene moonlight night
Perhaps, I was to go into the woods in the bog again?
A new life afresh in a different body frame?

Georges


A stroke victim remembers a special meeting in the past.

Casey, sorry it's not the tooth fairy, I could not get my teeth into it.

georges~

This, more than most, reads like you just kept writing until you stumbled upon a word that rhymed with the line above. The highly uneven line lengths, for one thing make your 'rhyme scheme' inconsequential. If you paid a little attention to line lengths, not visually, but through counting syllables (forget about trying for trochee/anapest/etc--leave that to the pros) it would make a world of difference. Paying just a little attention to syllable count and going for something that is remotely consistent would make reading your rhyme-driven themes much easier to read and would enhance what you are trying to do.

regards,
Laurie

George.Wright wrote:A stroke victim remembers a special meeting in the past.

Casey, sorry it's not the tooth fairy, I could not get my teeth into it.

I seem to have offended you somehow in an earlier post, I get the sense of looking up to frowns and thumbs pointing down. Since I can't know what I said from your poem here, I'm not sure what to apologize for, but I apologize for offending you.

Casey

Casey,
You have not offended me. I am thick skinned.

Laurie, thanks for the feedback. I agree with your comments.

Georges.

George.Wright wrote:Casey, You have not offended me. I am thick skinned.

I'm thin skinned, but my Armour Bearer is the best there is.

Casey