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I just literally finished writing this one a few minutes ago. I have recently learned that my fears were true in that I am not necessarily a top contender for her affection. It has come to my attention that she has (or had) strong feelings for another--someone who has broken her heart. Love is a vicious mother.

You know that song by Rod Stewart, "My Heart Can't Tell You No," that harrowing lyric that says, "When the one you love's in love with someone else/Don't you know it's torture, I mean it's a living hell." God, that hurts. Well, this one was hard for me write. They all were pretty tough, as I had to realize some things about myself that I may not have liked and not be afraid to write them down and show them to someone else. It's like I am slicing open my stomach and offering my intestines to someone like the way a dog offers its affection in return for being fed and sheltered.

I Heard You Call Out From the Darkness

I heard you call out from the darkness
But, my love, I did not respond
I was afraid you would not accept me
I was afraid you were too far beyond
So I held out my hand in promise
And I retracted it then in denial
I turned in the other direction
And walked near a quarter of a mile
Then I stopped to take one look behind
To that darkness I could not see through
And I ran past the point of no return
Desperately looking for you
But I stopped just to catch my breath
And, my love, you were nowhere in sight
I was lost in my hope of prosperity
I was lost without a guiding light

I heard you call out from the darkness
Without even speaking a word
Your message was poignant and moving
So infusive and undeterred
That I wept like a child so frightened
For the fear of being denied
A love that offered inclusion
To a shelter where I may reside
But I waited, exposed to the darkness
Like a lamb that was bred for slaughter
Like the moon to a starless evening
Like a massive body of water
And I ardently longed to push
To break the dams that suppress
To flood the valley of the forsaken
To be the one to confess

So I called out to you from the darkness
But, my love, you did not respond
It was cold in my basin of shadows
My ocean became a frozen pond
I was hidden by what did attract me
The undiscovered that lie within
The thought of what I might reveal
The thought of what could have been
If I embrace the world that surrounds you
This darkness could cause me to see
Everything I had hoped to witness
When your illumination exposes me
Then I became somewhat hesitant
To truthfully look that far beyond
I heard you call out from the darkness then
But, my love, I did not respond

Teratogen,

I've read all 4 poems. Well, you've got passion, feelings and bravery to put it on the
lines. Those are qualities of great artists. And whatever happens with you and
this girl, I've a feeling you are in for important learnings about yourself. And
they can serve you well, personally, artistically and, in the future, with whoever
you find worthy to really share stuff with. For now, I know it hurts. Whatever
happens, it'll ease up in time. I know, I've been there. Thanks for posting
and know that not all muses are accompanied by hurt.

Thank you, Steven. I keep telling myself I ought to ease up and get over myself. But then I find myself thinking that the more I let go of something that may or may not be a pipedream of sorts then the bigger the chance of failure. I've failed so many times in the past with love. For whatever reason. I think this girl knows how I feel about her, but she won't let me know anything. The chances I get to speak with her are few and far between on account of her being busy a lot of the time. And it drives me crazy. I keep telling myself to give up, but I keep thinking that if I do then any chance of making it work is lost. And that's how I feel right now.

Tera, I love this verse.
At least this lady is a very effective "muse".
Perhaps you could thank her for the inspiration?

I heard you call out from the darkness
Without even speaking a word
Your message was poignant and moving
So infusive and undeterred
That I wept like a child so frightened
For the fear of being denied
A love that offered inclusion
To a shelter where I may reside
But I waited, exposed to the darkness
Like a lamb that was bred for slaughter
Like the moon to a starless evening
Like a massive body of water
And I ardently longed to push
To break the dams that suppress
To flood the valley of the forsaken
To be the one to confess

This verse could also be interpreted as the soul yearning for God.
( Perhaps that is what "love" is? )
I haven't read Parts 1-3. However
It is a painfully-fun game.
I would relax, say it how it is to her, and see which way the tide turns.
It is pretty simple really.
(Fear is "wanting" too much.
Back off to wanting just a little)
then move on a little
either way.
You have to believe that she is lucky too to have your attention.
It seems that winning is easier when you care about the result less.
Maybe she is as tightly strung as you have allowed yourself to get?
Maybe you give her the shits?
If so, don't waste your energy, and move on, past dwelling.
But what do I know?

Matj

Mat, thank you for taking the time to read and respond. Effective, yes, she is. Basically what you are suggesting to me with your kind advice is what I've been told from others, only in a way I can better understand. Mostly I hear things like, "Just give up, just let go." Or "Maybe you're freaking her out." I wound myself up so much that I was being driven crazy by all of my thoughts. Everyone also says, "You think too much." I never really understood what that meant. Is it wrong to think? I mean, I can understand the detriment it can cause, to constantly come up with various situations in your head that cause nothing but disappointment when they don't come to fruition. But I can't just STOP thinking. It's so unebelievably difficult.

I have, in various ways and at various times, told her how I felt. I believe she may perhaps like me enough to date me, or at least she did at one time. But at the current time I believe she has her mind on another. One who apparently broke her heart. How do I battle that? In the situation I am presently in there is no defense for that. If I had better access, more time to speak to her, to see her, perhaps then it would be a different story. But that's so many "if's." I have asked her out at one time, over the Internet. MySpace, to be exact. That seems to be the only means of communication between her and I right now. She respectfully declined my offer. I asked for her phone numer. Twice. No response. I try the best I can with what I have to get closer.

I don't like to do these things in such an impersonal manner as asking someone out over the Internet. In fact, over the phone would be better. But, on top of all that, I'd rather do it in person. Most people are nonconfrontational, and I will readily admit that I am one of them. But I will also readily admit that doing things in person is more effective and courageous. The time I asked her out was quite some time ago. I'd venture to say several months, maybe even sometime last year, I don't even remember. Not too long ago I casually asked her when we'd get to hang out. Not "go out," but "hang out." She said she was very busy with work, working seven days a week and said something to the effect of, "Soon I hope. As soon as I get time off enough to breathe." This coming week she is vacationing in Cancun; the party capital of Mexico. I understand if I'm not on the top of her "people to see" list, but I have waited patiently. And, if that's what it will take, I will wait longer. But it kills me. I guess the only thing I have to do is pretend it doesn't bother me. That's also another bit of advice I've been getting.

The only fear I have about that, however, is what I responded to Steven with, and that is I'm afraid that once I ease up and start letting go then the bigger chance of failure there is. That once I start pretending I'm not interested anymore then she is going to go off and find some other guy to be with. I guess the only way to combat that fear is to let go completely. I don't think I'm willing to do that just yet. But I am also afraid my stubborn will is also going to be my downfall. It has been the case in the past. Love is doom.

P.S., Mat, your idea about that verse (or the rest of the poem for that matter) being about God is not far off. I had absolutely no intentions of it being that way, but I did realize as I was writing it how it came off. And maybe that's a good thing. Not that I'd compare myself to Leonard (who I have been listening to A LOT more lately) but pretty much every song on Various Positions is like that. They could either be about God or about a lover. But really, when love is of extreme importance and significance, how can the line not blur?

Carl Jung would suggest that you:

What can a man say about woman, his own opposite? I mean of course something sensible, that is outside the sexual program, free of resentment, illusion, and theory. Where is the man to be found capable of such superiority? Woman always stands just where the man's shadow falls, so that he is only too liable to confuse the two. Then, when he tries to repair this misunderstanding, he overvalues her and believes her the most desirable thing in the world.
"Women In Europe" (1927). In CW 10: Civilization in Transition. P. 236

( http://psikoloji.fisek.com.tr/jung/anima.htm )

Get to know and understand your "anima".
Jung, I suggest, would argue that you are projecting (too much) your anima onto her and making her into your ideal woman.
Forget that pedestal thing. It weakens you. You become bait, not the lover.

Anyway,it seems to me that women soon tire of the puppy-dog boyfriend. ( come on girls, tell Tera your truth! )
Know your anima and put her into her place.

Jung is very cool.

Regards Tera,
Matj

What do you mean exactly by "puppy dog"? That I'm being too simple with my feelings? Offering up affection for the simple fact that she likes me as a person?

The truth about Pedestals and Puppy Dogs for Matt

Pedestals – well personally I’m afraid of heights plus it sounds a bit lonely up there. Frankly it’s not easy trying to live up to someone else’s expectation of who you should be.

Puppy Dogs - Well I might like a playful puppy dog type of boyfriend, as long as he had his own idea's and didn't follow me about. Is a kitten an option?

Unsolicited advice for Teratogen

Let me see if I have any offerings from a female perspective – take what I say with a grain of salt, everybody is different plus I’m older then your lady so I’ll try to keep it general and remember what it was that I wanted when I was 20ish.

Contact – If she’s a young women, she gets lots of attention – some of it will be wanted some of it won’t be. You may need to be careful not to overwhelm her; too much attention sends red flags off galore. If you smother her it won’t matter what beautiful things your saying or offering because all she’ll be thinking is - I can’t breathe, I can’t breathe, let me go.

Compliments – less is better - too many and she’s going to feel like wild game that you’re chasing. Try to avoid general ones, and try to compliment the non-physical aspects of her beauty before the physical ones or at least try to combine the two.

Here is the magic formula to a good compliment;
(stolen from someone who sent me one this weekend. Mine was a friendly one, but as it made me feel quite mushy (that's a good thing) I think it'd work for wooing as well)

Something specific (i.e. a personal trait) + concrete examples of when you've notice this + how it made/makes you feel = a good complement.

Gifts – Yep, it’s ritual. Don’t get confused here though, I’m not talking about shiny things.
Your poems for example – awesome gifts – I bet you’ve wrote songs for her too! I’d suggest also sending her something not inspired by her – maybe something that shows a side of you people wouldn’t normally see. Something short, with no explanations attached, and no expectation of a response (remember it’s a gift – don’t expect anything in return) Also remember not to over do it. A single flower is usually beats a dozen and a single flower, you picked self yourself is even better. Without lying my favourite gift this year was 2 Cadbury cream eggs shoved in a pocket – it’s not the item that matters, it’s what it represents.

Well all that being said my final suggestion is that you ignore everything I've just said, unless there was something that felt right to you - then by all means take it and use it.

The volley is something I have found important in wooing:
You contact her, there is an encounter (even if it's just a conversation),
then she contacts you. Give her the room to do it.

Of course, not everyone is like that.
In olden days (sorry, some of you),
it was considered overly forward for a woman to contact a man.
Which is just silly, since it's the woman who does the choosing.
(That last part is truth for me.)

Manna:

Of course, not everyone is like that.
In olden days (sorry, some of you),
it was considered overly forward for a woman to contact a man.
Which is just silly, since it's the woman who does the choosing.
(That last part is truth for me.)

This is the truth.

And we men wonder why is it that women think that men have all the power!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

It's a vast conspiracy, lads!

Women just want us to think that we are in charge... have all the power... but we know, better... boy (after a few metaphorical kicks in the goolies), do we know.....

Ouch!!!!! another kick...
Okay, darling, my love, my honey bunches of roses, how high do ya want me to jump???

Jimmy

it's the woman who does the choosing

"She" also sets the bait, Tera.
That is the "silent" choosing.
They are very wily (should I say sneaky?) in exercising this function.

We blokes don't have a chance if that girl hasn't already set the bait.
It took me a long time to recognise this one.
We are very slow Tera.
They are way, way ahead.

9 out of ten of those creat-ures are not even the slightest bit interested in you (or me).
Find the 1 in 10 who is.
Put your energy into her. She has already "set the bait", (strangely enough).
Don't waste your time on the girl who "you want".
Notice the girl who "wants you". That is the trick.
(Becausethey decide, as has been stated above by those exquisite mentors above.)
Knowing this (Notice the girl who "wants you". That is the trick.) you will never be lonely.

But knowing this......you can move forward cautiously, if not this lady, then some other.

Have fun.

Of course, "what would I know?"

Wow. Um, I didn't expect this kind of reaction. I was hoping I'd get more response on my songs/poems, but I've got at least five people so far giving me input on how to attract this girl. I think I have been overdoing it. I had been sending her a song/poem at least once every day. Most of the time I'd never get a response from her. Most of the stuff had been older stuff, more recently it had been the stuff I wrote for her. Then I ran out of anything to top what I'd been doing, so I started sending her lyrics to Cohen songs!

But when I called her out on it and asked her why I got no response she said she was very busy and usually checked her messages from her phone and therefore could not respond as she would have from her computer. Now I'm gonna give her the benefit of the doubt but I felt like an asshole for calling her out like that. I thought maybe I was freaking her out sending her all these things I've written. When I first started to send them she said she loved them and wanted more. So, naturally, I was happily inclined. And after I called her out on them she said she loved to read them while being stuck in traffic on her way to work in the morning. I had others telling me I was probably pushing too hard and freaking her out and that I should not send her anything and see how long it takes until she sent me a message on her own free will. I sent her nothing for a week, felt dejected, wrote a song about her, and was just compelled (by the devil most likely) to stop playing that game and just send her another message, with the song I wrote for her, which happens to be the one I posted as "New works, pt. 1." I even explained what I did. I felt guilty and had to tell her that I didn't write her for a week purposely just to see if she'd write me of her own free will.

I have noticed though, that even before I'd send her songs/poems on a regular basis that when I didn't write to her she'd pop up occassionally and say hello. It would always make my day. Always. It still does.

As far as the pedestal thing goes, call me a romantic, I dunno, I think ALL women should be put on pedestals. I am not a fan of males. I think we're horrible people. We have fucked up this world. If women were not around we'd all have killed each other sooner or later. And I am dead serious about this. This is not some ploy just to get women to like me. However, I have no high expectations with her. I never have high expectations with the girls I'm attracted to. Nothing ever works out for me anyway, try as I might. And so far it looks like not much has changed in the last 10 years for me.

"bait", "Wiley", " Sneaky"

Gees Mat, sounds like you have some kind of conspiracy plan theory thingy, going on there.

Mat's advice sounds good Teratogen, but I'd ignore the bait, wiley and sneaky parts, I think he's talking about the old days.

Have to go. It's my day off and I need to finish digging a pit in the front walk for the new handsome mail carrier. If only I could figure out a good knot for the string, so that it doesn't come off the steak when I toss it to him.

Cate

Teratogen,
have you tried cutting off an ear yet
(- that is, one of your own, - since it wouldn't have the same effect if it's someone else's- )
and mailing it to her?

(-thanks to mat james for quoting Shakespeare's "To Thine Own Self Be True" --

Give every man thy ear, but few thy voice;

)