Forgive me haiku for I have sinned
Posted: Mon Feb 18, 2008 7:53 pm
From the storehouse of memories comes one from long ago.
I was living in Montreal and thought that I needed to get away for a while. I put a few books in a bag along with a few articles of clothes and stuff, some plastic rods and connectors for making geodesic models and a haiku. It was the only haiku that I had and it had been sent to me by a friend. I don't think I had ever seen a haiku before. I kept looking at it from time to time and didn't quite know what to make of it. I got on a bus and headed out of town.
I was feeling pretty stupid for most of this trip and if you don't like seeing people being stupid don't read on.
The bus took me to a place called Morin Heights and let me off in the middle of this very small town. I asked around if there was a hotel nearby and was told that close by was the one that people mostly used. As what seemed like a second thought it was added that there was another but it was a couple of miles out of town but was mostly just used during the tourist season and had nothing around it. I looked for a taxi but the town had none and so I bought some groceries and walked the couple of miles and climbed the hill to the hotel.
There was someone in the window watching me arrive to the hotel on foot.
I asked for a room and was asked if my car had broken down.
"No, I just want a room" I replied
Then added "For a few days"
I don't think she had ever met anyone that stupid before and so she tested me to see if anyone could really be.
She said "I saw you walking, where did you come from?"
"the town" I replied
"They do have a hotel there, was it full?"
"I don't know, I didn't check"
"Do you want me to check for you?"
"No this place looks fine" I said
"Well we do have a lot of rooms as it is very rare to have someone here out of season unless they are business people passing through. Do you have business to do here?"
"No, I just want a room for a few days."
"You might be better off in the hotel in town as we don't even have a restaraunt here, can I give you a ride?"
"No this place will be fine" I said.
"You sure ? I have to tell you there is not much here and it's not going to be very entertaining."
"I'm sure it will be fine" I said
"Our rooms don't come with a T.V. but if you want I can bring you one"
"No, I don't want a T.V."
She showed me to the room and then probably went and told her husband "Well I think we got ourselves a real stupid one"
So I sat in my room and thought " What the fuck am I doing here? There doesn't seem to be much to do"
So I just sat there for some time trying to figure out what was bothering me so much and answers were not coming. Thought I would take a walk.
I was passing the front desk heading toward the door.
"Are you sure you don't want that TV?"
"No, I'm ok"
"Are you heading into town? would you like a ride?"
"no i"m just going for a walk"
"It's raining"
"I know"
I headed along the road in the opposite direction of the town and the rain was cold and I wasn't dressed for rain but I kepted walking. Smart people when they take a walk in the rain get dressed for it I reminded myself. I can take a little rain if it will help me figure out what it is that we did that was so wrong that makes us feel so bad. I changed to using "we" there because in my mind for some reason that I am too stupid to understand I was thinking I was a Jew and I was sharing a sense of guilt that was shared by Jews. I walked on. The rain fell harder and colder. "Well how much rain can you take on you're little road to nowhere?" something inside seemed to laugh. I walked on until I was completely convinced that I wasn't going anywhere and then turned back toward the hotel. When I got close I saw someone watching me from the window who I just seemed to know was saying to someone else " Hey the stupid guy is coming back"
I'm pretty sure they said that because there were two people watching me when I returned and I could see the way they were looking at me. They did seem to like stupid people because they invited me to join them for breakfast the next morning. I did have some food with me but accepted their invitation and went back to my room.
I sat there with my little construction set putting together tetrahedrons, cubes and spheres trying to figure out how everything gets put together. Listening to the crickets and frogs and thinking back on all my mistakes and trying to understand how all that fits in as well. The thought did occure to me that in town was a hotel with a bar and it was Saturday night and a band was playing and people were dancing and having fun while I was sitting in my little room with my books, my shapes and a haiku feeling lousy and more confused with each passing second.
Nothing got figured out and I was feeling crappy and so I finally decided to just put stupid to sleep.
The next day was a beautiful sunny day and it started for me with having breakfast with the owners of the hotel and they were very nice and after breakfast I decided it was time for another walk. It was no longer cold and raining and so my walk lasted longer. I walked for about 14 hours.
There is another whole level of stupid in walking 14 hours in the sun without having some kind of protection from it and when I returned to the hotel the people there got to see my burned face and any lingering doubts they might have had about just how stupid I was probably got burned away as well, and only heaven knows what they must have thought when they cleaned my room and found all those little toy shapes all over the place.
Anyway on the 14 hour walk. Fouteeen hours of thinking, of singing songs and trying to understand what they were all about and occasionally just walking and noticing what was around me eventually it happened.
I was going around a bend in the road and I heard a bird singing and I felt something stir in me and I pulled the haiku out of my pocket and I looked at it and it met me there on that bend in the road. You might say I got a bird's eye view of it.
For a moment I was at peace and I knew that I had found what I had come there to find and that the trip wasn't totally stupid.
What is stupid and what I need to forgive myself for was forgetting how much stupid I needed to go through to get to where I am not totally stupid in regards to haikus and I expect probably everything else as well.
I was living in Montreal and thought that I needed to get away for a while. I put a few books in a bag along with a few articles of clothes and stuff, some plastic rods and connectors for making geodesic models and a haiku. It was the only haiku that I had and it had been sent to me by a friend. I don't think I had ever seen a haiku before. I kept looking at it from time to time and didn't quite know what to make of it. I got on a bus and headed out of town.
I was feeling pretty stupid for most of this trip and if you don't like seeing people being stupid don't read on.
The bus took me to a place called Morin Heights and let me off in the middle of this very small town. I asked around if there was a hotel nearby and was told that close by was the one that people mostly used. As what seemed like a second thought it was added that there was another but it was a couple of miles out of town but was mostly just used during the tourist season and had nothing around it. I looked for a taxi but the town had none and so I bought some groceries and walked the couple of miles and climbed the hill to the hotel.
There was someone in the window watching me arrive to the hotel on foot.
I asked for a room and was asked if my car had broken down.
"No, I just want a room" I replied
Then added "For a few days"
I don't think she had ever met anyone that stupid before and so she tested me to see if anyone could really be.
She said "I saw you walking, where did you come from?"
"the town" I replied
"They do have a hotel there, was it full?"
"I don't know, I didn't check"
"Do you want me to check for you?"
"No this place looks fine" I said
"Well we do have a lot of rooms as it is very rare to have someone here out of season unless they are business people passing through. Do you have business to do here?"
"No, I just want a room for a few days."
"You might be better off in the hotel in town as we don't even have a restaraunt here, can I give you a ride?"
"No this place will be fine" I said.
"You sure ? I have to tell you there is not much here and it's not going to be very entertaining."
"I'm sure it will be fine" I said
"Our rooms don't come with a T.V. but if you want I can bring you one"
"No, I don't want a T.V."
She showed me to the room and then probably went and told her husband "Well I think we got ourselves a real stupid one"
So I sat in my room and thought " What the fuck am I doing here? There doesn't seem to be much to do"
So I just sat there for some time trying to figure out what was bothering me so much and answers were not coming. Thought I would take a walk.
I was passing the front desk heading toward the door.
"Are you sure you don't want that TV?"
"No, I'm ok"
"Are you heading into town? would you like a ride?"
"no i"m just going for a walk"
"It's raining"
"I know"
I headed along the road in the opposite direction of the town and the rain was cold and I wasn't dressed for rain but I kepted walking. Smart people when they take a walk in the rain get dressed for it I reminded myself. I can take a little rain if it will help me figure out what it is that we did that was so wrong that makes us feel so bad. I changed to using "we" there because in my mind for some reason that I am too stupid to understand I was thinking I was a Jew and I was sharing a sense of guilt that was shared by Jews. I walked on. The rain fell harder and colder. "Well how much rain can you take on you're little road to nowhere?" something inside seemed to laugh. I walked on until I was completely convinced that I wasn't going anywhere and then turned back toward the hotel. When I got close I saw someone watching me from the window who I just seemed to know was saying to someone else " Hey the stupid guy is coming back"
I'm pretty sure they said that because there were two people watching me when I returned and I could see the way they were looking at me. They did seem to like stupid people because they invited me to join them for breakfast the next morning. I did have some food with me but accepted their invitation and went back to my room.
I sat there with my little construction set putting together tetrahedrons, cubes and spheres trying to figure out how everything gets put together. Listening to the crickets and frogs and thinking back on all my mistakes and trying to understand how all that fits in as well. The thought did occure to me that in town was a hotel with a bar and it was Saturday night and a band was playing and people were dancing and having fun while I was sitting in my little room with my books, my shapes and a haiku feeling lousy and more confused with each passing second.
Nothing got figured out and I was feeling crappy and so I finally decided to just put stupid to sleep.
The next day was a beautiful sunny day and it started for me with having breakfast with the owners of the hotel and they were very nice and after breakfast I decided it was time for another walk. It was no longer cold and raining and so my walk lasted longer. I walked for about 14 hours.
There is another whole level of stupid in walking 14 hours in the sun without having some kind of protection from it and when I returned to the hotel the people there got to see my burned face and any lingering doubts they might have had about just how stupid I was probably got burned away as well, and only heaven knows what they must have thought when they cleaned my room and found all those little toy shapes all over the place.
Anyway on the 14 hour walk. Fouteeen hours of thinking, of singing songs and trying to understand what they were all about and occasionally just walking and noticing what was around me eventually it happened.
I was going around a bend in the road and I heard a bird singing and I felt something stir in me and I pulled the haiku out of my pocket and I looked at it and it met me there on that bend in the road. You might say I got a bird's eye view of it.
For a moment I was at peace and I knew that I had found what I had come there to find and that the trip wasn't totally stupid.
What is stupid and what I need to forgive myself for was forgetting how much stupid I needed to go through to get to where I am not totally stupid in regards to haikus and I expect probably everything else as well.