leonardcohenforum.com

Here I sit (second revision)

in tarnished green pot
someone’s old piss pot.

Slapped in a corner,
eating expelled air.

Terminus walls cage
roots, forced out of dirt.

Light unreachable,
body contorted,

here I sit.

(August 14)


Here I sit (first revision)
Here I sit in my tarnished green pot
Somebody’s old piss pot I think

Slapped in a corner and abandoned
Left to eat the expelled air you breath

Roots constrained by these terminus walls
They poke through this meager dirt

Kept away from Natural light
I contort and stretch to take what’s mine

Gnawed and bent, deformed from survival
Here I sit in my tarnished green pot

(July 21st)


original

Here I Sit

Here I sit in a tarnished green pot
slapped in a corner and abandoned
left to eat your expelled breath
Roots constrained by terminus walls
poke through meager dirt
Kept away from natural light
I contort and stretch, take what's mine
gnawed and bent, deformed survival
Here I sit in somebody's old piss pot

This morning, still morning [late rising], I immensely enjoyed "Here I Sit" and "Halation" for the nature of the writing, the visuals, and the message. An interesting contrast between them, with the movement of "Halation" and the stationary aspect of "Here I Sit" [still with its own movement]. Thanks, Cate and LightedPalace.


~ Lizzy

Nice little poem Cate

The poor old potted plant
Doesn't know
It's not
Constrained
By dream-like walls
And it's not gnawed or bent.
Like us, it can just take
Whatever shape is meant
Through circumstance
And fate

daka (aka sean)

I have a plant here in a green pot that someone abandoned and it seemed to come back to life with my expelled breath. I had heard that plants liked being talked to and figured that it probably just did well with what came from the breath so every now and then I breath on it.

A little bit of piss too in manageable levels is pretty good for plants.

In comparison to the size of the earth the amount of it that is considered good growing dirt is almost like a vapour, but how deep do we need roots to go anyway?

What gets gnawed grows back
and the twisted shapes of plants make them more interesting.

Your poem occasioned me to think of these things Cate, thanks.

Cate, this is wonderful. I really enjoy the language you use here; intelligent and spare. Seems the plant's 'voice' reflects masterfully its physical state. Thankyou for this.

<3

We're talking about editing and revision a little.

I just wanted to show an example.

original

Here I Sit

Here I sit in a tarnished green pot
slapped in a corner and abandoned
left to eat your expelled breath
Roots constrained by terminus walls
poke through meager dirt
Kept away from natural light
I contort and stretch, take what's mine
gnawed and bent, deformed survival
Here I sit in somebody's old piss pot


first revision

Here I sit

Here I sit in my tarnished green pot
Somebody’s old piss pot I think

Slapped in a corner and abandoned
Left to eat the expelled air you breath

Roots constrained by these terminus walls
They poke through this meager dirt

Kept away from Natural light
I contort and stretch to take what’s mine

Gnawed and bent, deformed from survival
Here I sit in my tarnished green pot


The originally posted one, was the best of my ability at the time.
I had help with editing (which I greatly appreciate) and looking at it now I can see I need to work on sentence structure but that will wait.
It says first revision - I don't actually know what number it would be, I was just acknowledging that it still needs work.

Hi Cate~ I know you are attempting to show an edit in transition. I'd say your first version reads like what you write down at the initial idea. Sort of like what I call 'what falls out.' Like unkneaded bread, that stuff always needs (haha) work.

Your second edit (below) seems more a rearragement of 'fall out' and not a real revision.

Here I sit

Here I sit in my tarnished green pot
Somebody’s old piss pot I think
Having your narrator's opinion be non-commital ("I think") doesn't work. Is it or is it not someone's old piss pot. Own it. If it is sitting in a tarnished (which tells us it is "old") green piss pot, so be it.
Slapped in a corner and abandoned
Left to eat the expelled air you breath
I'd say "abandoned" is told by, "slapped in a corner"
The word "Left" is awkward (we already know it's abandoned/left in a corner). Maybe starting the line with 'Eating' would get to the point and be more intriguing to readers?

Roots constrained by these terminus walls
They poke through this meager dirt
'terminus' does nothing to enhance your poem. And "meager" is a weak modifier for 'dirt.'

Kept away from Natural light
I contort and stretch to take what’s mine
Capping "Natural" seems silly. Your second line here bring a character aspect to your n. that is odd. All of a sudden it becomes stingy. Why the change of tone? Can you see why I question this?
Gnawed and bent, deformed from survival
Here I sit in my tarnished green pot
"gnawed and bent" is "deformed" There is overmodification going on and too much telling rather than showing (throughout the poem). I'd say when editing, to try and dis-own a piece and see it through a strangers eyes, using your knowledge of assonance/alliteration, etc to enhance where feasible.

Hope this helps,
L

Hi Cate:

I think the revision is a vast improvement. The couplets bring some daylight in and with time the sharp, bitter tone has matured into a more reflective piece. I too don't care for needless capitalization. Let the words carry their own weight. Capitalization is like putting sandbags in their pockets.

take care
norm

Alan Alda wrote:Hi Cate~ I know you are attempting to show an edit in transition. I'd say your first version reads like what you write down at the initial idea. Sort of like what I call 'what falls out.' Like unkneaded bread, that stuff always needs (haha) work.

haha - nice pun. Unkneaded bread though is a good comparison. At the time that I did the original I was using a recipe so to speak - a poetry exercise.
It's a beginning one - first I had to observe something - that went in the middle of the page then I had to write physical details that I observed in word bubbles around it, same thing about how it made me feel than I think I had to think of metaphors . So basically the poem is based on a line drawing of my poor plant surrounded by word bubbles. Okay, you're probably rolling your eyes or laughing.

Hope this helps,
L

It absolutely helps! I appreciate you taking the time to go through it line by line - you've made a lot of very good suggestions. I've already started fiddling with it - cutting it back.
My hard one will be terminus walls. I'll do a draft know and then come back in a week or so to see what I think.
Change in tone, it wasn't intentional I wanted to be stingy right from the start - I'm going to put some thought into that. I should point out that the abused plant is doing much better now although he still has a weird bend in his trunk from his experience.

Cate

normanball wrote:Hi Cate:

I think the revision is a vast improvement. The couplets bring some daylight in and with time the sharp, bitter tone has matured into a more reflective piece. I too don't care for needless capitalization. Let the words carry their own weight. Capitalization is like putting sandbags in their pockets.

take care
norm

Thank you Norman , I always like when people say they see improvement.

I'll tell you a secret, I have a terrible time with punctuation. As soon as I figure out how to use it properly, I'm going to ditch it and never use it again.
The capital n on nature (I almost did it again) was an error - Natura was in my head.

Cate

Cate~

You seem to have a great sense of playfulness and discovery when it comes to all this (poetry writing)...It will take you far.

Look forward to your continued play/revisions with this.

cheers,
Laurie

Thank you Laurie !