leonardcohenforum.com

What Does A Baby Know ...... EDITED!!!!!... below

what does a baby know below
when everything is new
light dancing constantly
people talking too

saying trust me now
I will tell to you
the things that you see
and all your actions too

i am patient, i have time
to put all in it's place
so that you can slide into
this holy human space

no one ever counted them
the labels and the names
but we have books to explain
so you won't go insane

we will make sure
you are taught well
so you can learn
the differences to tell

We hope you don't rebel


daka

Hi daka

some thoughts. (and I wish I knew how to intersperse them with different passages of your post in yellow, but i don't so italics to follow)

I thought I really would not like this as I smelt twee coming my way, (not to be confused with a baby where I smell wee coming my way)


What Does A Baby Know

title is fine

what does a baby know
when everything is new
light dancing constantly
people talking too

light but fine first verse. I rather like verses ending in "too", Loudon Wainwright has an excellent song called "Plane, too"

saying trust me now
I will tell to you
the things that you see
and all your actions too

this is a bit wordy, "actions" is a tiny bit too long

i am patient, i have time
to put all in it's place
so that you can slide into
this holy human space

I am not keen on this verse, to have both patient and time is filler, (take the apostrophe out of it's btw), why are you doing the "putting into place", and it's a pretty uninspiring phrase anyway. "holy human space" I positively dislike, (standard disclaimer- none of this is personal, I don't know you, not your age, nationality, or gender). many times here I sense a too-easy, almost obligation, to introduce LC type ideas into even very simple poetry like this. However, others might be attracted to LC because they frequently do think in "holy" terms in their ordinary life.

no one ever counted them
the labels and the names
but we have books to explain
so you won't go insane

now, I think standards have dropped a long way from your pleasant opening to this poem. "Labels and names" is dull, mundane (and that does rhymes with "insane"). would any parent really think in terms of teaching/caring/showing their baby all life's wonders in order to stop them going mad?

we will make sure
you are taught well
so you can learn
the differences to tell

We hope you don't rebel

ditto this last verse, "the differences to tell" is a seriously awkward inversion all for the sake of a rhyme, the whole last verse is

as awkward as hell
you didn't finish well
I'd love you to learn
a different way to tell.

ok, the best way to "tell yourself", is to read back your last verse, as objectively as you can. It is really weak and I do hope you will take time to revise it.

oh, and you had a random, isolated last line, a sort of dictionary finish. Do you really want your baby only to conform or were you simply hunting for a rhyme.

mickey_one

Thanks for taking the time to critique it Mickey, I appreciate it.

As I wrote it I liked some and I didn't like some.

I walk a bit of a tightrope because if a profound or useful spiritual concept or message doesn't come through, then my writing is not supportable; best if I go sit on a cushion and meditate.

I will chew on it and maybe improve iot.

daka

best of luck, I look forward to reading any changes you make.

What Does a Baby Know? .. (version 2)

what does a baby know
when all is new
light splaying
people talking too

saying trust me
I will tell you
how to see
what to do

You have my time
to put it all in place
and then safely slide into
the holy human race

we count not labels
nor the names
but you will have enough
to stay this side of sane

we shall ensure
you learn before the bell
the skill of telling
differences so well

we hope you don't rebel

daka

Hi Daka,

Seems that both versions could also have been titled: "What Doesn't A Baby Know?"

Good Point, Steven!!!!!

(maybe I will change the title, as you suggest)

daka

I was born with the question
written on my brain
are you going to punish me
for not going insane?

And what answer did you come up with jack?

It gets pretty complicated... the Scottish world-renowned psychiatrist (RD Laing, I believe) who wrote "The Politics of the Family", described the schitzophrenic response as a sane response to insane envioronmental conditions. My recollections are suspect since i read this peaking on LSD.

daka

Hi Daka

I didn't say that I asked the question, I said that it was written on my brain. I think this DNA stuff is not just a one way street.

My son and I were having a little talk last night about following dreams. I have a little dream about one day getting Hallmark to accept something that I have written and publish it. After having a jackie moment today with my little response to your poem I wondered if maybe they would use that for those cards that you send to parents of new babies.

I''ve memorized what I read from R.D. Laing when I was on lsd

Fat Chance, Jack!

daka

__________________________________

Interestingly In Tibetan Buddhism there is a term called 'yogic madness'. Even realized Yogis are still shackled by societal preconceptions. it is said that at one point in his/her yogic development the yogi or yogini must intentionally put a lot of effort into utterly bizzare, antisocial, unconventional behaviours, shattering the problematic preconceptions, inspiring the wrath of the their peers. The most famous of these was a fellow named Drunkpa Kunley. and the story of his life is called "The Divine Madman". It is said that his courageous behaviour and ribald humor were intended to awaken the common people and yogis alike from the sleep of religious dogmatism and egoic self expression. He also had quite a reputation for using tantric sexuality, previously discussed, to awaken his consorts.

cheers
daka

That I''ve memorized what I read from R.D. Laing when I was on lsd?

or that Hallmark would publish my words?

Michael tells me that my stuff has Hallmark written all over them. How did he know that was my dream?

or Hallmark could make cards to send to parents of newborns with r.d. laing quotes like

What we think is less than what we know. What we know is less than what we love; what we love is so much less than what there is. And to that precise extent we are so much less than what we are.

What we think is less than what we know. What we know is less than what we love; what we love is so much less than what there is. And to that precise extent we are so much less than what we are.

I'd never heard of laing, but that's a quote whose truth is pretty easy to follow. Is the rest of his writing this accessible?


~ Lizzy

Jack and I overcame our many limitations to grasp his message. I found that he was extremely easy for an ordinary person, like me, to follow and understand!... laymens' terms... the real world, real families, is what he was talking about.

daka