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I wanna do this to you
what the sun does to snowmen
you ought to lose weight
don't eat after eight

No Scotch, no Jim Beam
and soon you'll be slim
you'll be light as a honey bee
that visits a cherry tree

You might have already considered the option, but how about replacing "I wanna do this to you" with "I wanna do to you"? I think that would probably fit the following line better and improve the flow of the piece itself.

I think that is a good call undertow it certainly flows better.

You are right, Undertow. Here is the new version. Feel free to add verses as much as you like. Do you know the original version of the first two lines ? ... think about PN ....

I wanna do to you
what the sun does to snowmen
you ought to lose weight
don't eat after eight

No Scotch, no Jim Beam
and soon you'll be slim
you'll be light as a honey bee
that visits a cherry tree

Hi Monday ~

How about something like

"that lights on a cherry tree"

or some such that indicates what the bee actually does there.

My first thought was
"that sucks on a cherry tree"

but besides being unpoetic, I don't know that that's what bees could even be said to do.

"that suckles a cherry tree"??

What the heck do bees do, anyway!?!

Yes... Undertow... totally agree on your suggestion.


~ Lizzy