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Interesting answer and accepted. When first reading the original version I took those lines as the poet's casual remembrances sort of run on as Dylan T and B Dylan often did, and the piece was fine that way for me. But the next version may stand better to intense scrutiny. The inverting of words in poetry is something I've seen often and don't consider 'wrong'. However, some don't like this practice and I absolutely don't know what modern practice dictates. The poem's early verses as it now stands does convey the act of doing something while other things are being done repetitively and is a complete sentence as you said. Damn it, the Russians before their verb tenses were modernized had wonderful means of conveying information like that. But the poem isn't in Russian, and the times are modern, ...... Makes me wonder... could this poem be presented in English and German in the booklet to honor the German hosts of the meeting?

Makes me wonder... could this poem be presented in English and German in the booklet to honor the German hosts of the meeting?

I like that idea.

~ Lizzy

Thanks Lizzy. Nightstalker, I very much appreciate your comments and suggestions.

The abrupt end to life and justaposition of 'innocent hours' and 'oblivion' are as brutally honest and frank as is death itself.

Yes, the whole poem came to me as a contrast between those two ways of being. I’m afraid that I find attending to the mechanics/details of things to be quite difficult. I think I mixed up the tenses because the poem is about a ‘moment of realisation’ and about the contrast between the past and the present. I like the comma you placed before “cold”; it adds a stark emphasis to the word. But when I wrote the poem, all the words kind of ran together for me, without any pauses, so I prefer to leave it that way (without the comma). This is the first poem I have ever written, and I can't think of a way to improve it any more, so I am happy to get it into a form where it will "do", and leave it at that.

Makes me wonder... could this poem be presented in English and German in the booklet to honor the German hosts of the meeting?

I suppose I could put the poem into some automatic translation software, but I'm not sure how it would read . Otherwise, it is just making more work for someone. Nice idea though.

Cheers,

Diane

Nightstalker! I have just re-read my poem, and, after all, I've changed my mind ( ), and I think your suggested comma after "cold" is a great idea; it really does add to the poem. I have just rushed that comma to Henning in the hope it can make the deadline for the booklet. Thanks much.

Final final version:

White Flowers
(for Joy)

Two girls climbing trees 'til sunset
wove endless chains of wild daisies.
Pretty you lay on warm green grass,
wreathed in happy white flowers.

Sharing secrets, swimming rivers,
playing games in shadowy woods,
forging a lifetime allegiance
in sun-steeped innocent hours.

Now you lie in oblivion
in the back of a long black car,
drowned in an abysmal shadow
where chill, still darkness devours.

Pale sad letters of your glad name,
are spelled by sprightly carnations.
Cold, you lie in a box of wood,
wreathed in happy white flowers.

Diane

A new singer/songwriter Duo on the horizon.

http://www.tea-and-oranges.de/mp3/whiteflowers.mp3

I look forward to hearing this, Henning and Diane... and a superb photo of you two !!

With that colouration, it looks like Diane's been hanging out at PhotoShop, again .

Very heartfelt and thoughtful timing, Henning.


~ Lizzy

Oh, that is very sweet of you, Henning, to set my poem about Joy to music. I am touched.

Thank you.

Diane

Lizzy, that pic was intended as the cover to Ten New Songs, but a last minute change was made...

Diane

(ps It is rather , that despite Laurie's expert coaching, I still managed not to get into sentences a poem that got quite a bit of exposure. As they say in Italy, wadda mistaka da maka.)

Well done.

Geez, I am speechless.

Henning~What you did is just lovely.

Diane~Of course, you must be thrilled.

I'm looking forward to getting the Berlin booklet and seeing it in print.

And Diane, I think you mistook the word "expert" for 'hapless' A common mistake, especially when I am involved...

regards,
Laurie

Hey Laurie,

the package is on its way - and thnx for the beer

Lizzy, that pic was intended as the cover to Ten New Songs, but a last minute change was made...

I'm sure everyone was tripping over each other, madly searching for it behind and under other things, until exhausted, they finally had no choice but to go with Plan B... or miss still another, revised release date .

I have no doubt but what it's securely under lock and key now, awaiting release of Ten New Songs II.


~ Lizzy

'Hapless' is not a word that springs to mind in relation to you, Laurie. If I were a horse, I'd say you led me to the water, and you couldn't do anymore than that. I enjoy reading your crits of poetry on here; you seem to know what you are talking about alright.

Yes, it was lovely of Henning to do that with the poem. I like Henning's singing voice, too; sounds just a little like a German Leonard.

Lizzy, provided I don't sing, things will turn out just fine .

Diane, listening to H again...

Henning wrote:

Hey Laurie,

the package is on its way - and thnx for the beer

You're welcome! Hope it remained cold and fresh after travelling all those miles Thanks so much for the opportunity to get the package of goodies. (Salut!)

Diane~

You are way too kind. Thanks for the confidence, I'm not worthy, but thanks!!
It was a nice surprise to be reminded of your poem after not seeing it for so long. It really is so descriptive and poignant. You should be proud!

regards,
Laurie

*You are way too kind. Thanks for the confidence, I'm not worthy, but thanks!!

Oh, Bologna - (as they say in Italy), you are worthy, and I am thankless.

Diane is worthy also, Henning is just handsome, what a crowd!