Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2004 9:52 pm
Oh Paula, you are so naive. 
Page 3 of 7
Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2004 9:56 pm
Story of my life Nehoc
Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2004 10:31 pm
I like VivaVinyl but there are a few lines that could use some help.
sent Peggy-Sue on Heaven trail
a centre-hole his Holy Grail
but bad idea for this frail female
And now she’s more dead than frail
Big Johnny charged, no-bail
What is a Heaven trail? Wouldn't it be better to say Heaven's trail?
And "but bad idea for this frail female" These words are being jammed together to accomodate the word frail. It's hackneyed. And then "frail" is used again because "no-bail" must have something to rhyme with. Straining too hard to cover all the bases.
sent Peggy-Sue on Heaven trail
a centre-hole his Holy Grail
but bad idea for this frail female
And now she’s more dead than frail
Big Johnny charged, no-bail
What is a Heaven trail? Wouldn't it be better to say Heaven's trail?
And "but bad idea for this frail female" These words are being jammed together to accomodate the word frail. It's hackneyed. And then "frail" is used again because "no-bail" must have something to rhyme with. Straining too hard to cover all the bases.
Posted: Fri Oct 29, 2004 11:21 pm
I like VivaVinyl but there are a few lines that could use some help.
sent Peggy-Sue on Heaven trail
a centre-hole his Holy Grail
but bad idea for this frail female
And now she’s more dead than frail
Big Johnny charged, no-bail
What is a Heaven trail? Wouldn't it be better to say Heaven's trail?
either way works, matter of taste. prob. should have been Heaven Trail but I am not a great fan of capitals.
And "but bad idea for this frail female" These words are being jammed together to accommodate the word frail.
no, Charles. read with a tiny pause after "idea". no need to rush or jam these words, they read fine if read correctly!
It's hackneyed.
meant to represent a somewhat macho, *King* attitude
And then "frail" is used again because "no-bail" must have something to rhyme with. Straining too hard to cover all the bases.
that's definitely not the reason, Charles. sometimes words are repeated because of lack of ideas but sometimes purposely for the repetitive rhythm. so that was the reason but doesn't mean you have to like the result.
thanks for taking time to crit, much appreciated.
sent Peggy-Sue on Heaven trail
a centre-hole his Holy Grail
but bad idea for this frail female
And now she’s more dead than frail
Big Johnny charged, no-bail
What is a Heaven trail? Wouldn't it be better to say Heaven's trail?
either way works, matter of taste. prob. should have been Heaven Trail but I am not a great fan of capitals.
And "but bad idea for this frail female" These words are being jammed together to accommodate the word frail.
no, Charles. read with a tiny pause after "idea". no need to rush or jam these words, they read fine if read correctly!
It's hackneyed.
meant to represent a somewhat macho, *King* attitude
And then "frail" is used again because "no-bail" must have something to rhyme with. Straining too hard to cover all the bases.
that's definitely not the reason, Charles. sometimes words are repeated because of lack of ideas but sometimes purposely for the repetitive rhythm. so that was the reason but doesn't mean you have to like the result.
thanks for taking time to crit, much appreciated.
Posted: Sat Oct 30, 2004 12:59 pm
Critic2~
Congratulations on the Grand Prize!
If you don't mind me asking: How many poems did you submit for the contest (I know you wrote one that was rejected, rhyming blue & true...?)
~Taigaku
Congratulations on the Grand Prize!
If you don't mind me asking: How many poems did you submit for the contest (I know you wrote one that was rejected, rhyming blue & true...?)
~Taigaku
Posted: Sat Oct 30, 2004 1:53 pm
well, one particular parody was rejected but at least two others survive. I can't immediately recall what category they achieved. I also wrote a few real poems as well.
I am not sure the time has quite run yet for the guessing games so may I leave it there.
I am not sure the time has quite run yet for the guessing games so may I leave it there.
Posted: Sat Oct 30, 2004 1:53 pm
Oh, they should be easy to detect. All my poems are loads of fun. Like cotton candy. Ninety per cent air.
Posted: Sat Oct 30, 2004 1:55 pm
hi Glory-Hog. It is my birthday today so please entertain me. It is your duty.
Posted: Sat Oct 30, 2004 1:56 pm
I am you. So it's my birthday too.
I must write a poem.
I must write a poem.
Posted: Sat Oct 30, 2004 2:00 pm
Glory-Hog, I am looking for a rather higher standard of trolling than this.
Try to get a bit more bitter before you compose your poem as it may improve your writing.
I am off to the supermarket now to buy the ingredients for my Birthday Soup. Why don't you try and have something ready for my return. There's a good lad.
Try to get a bit more bitter before you compose your poem as it may improve your writing.
I am off to the supermarket now to buy the ingredients for my Birthday Soup. Why don't you try and have something ready for my return. There's a good lad.
Posted: Sat Oct 30, 2004 2:10 pm
We're not going anywhere. Why do we always say we are leaving to go and do something like getting ingredients for our birthday soup. When in actuality we are glued to the computer screen awaiting the few pitiful plaudits for our poems. I'm beginning to be ashamed of us.
Posted: Sat Oct 30, 2004 2:22 pm
Thanks for the explanations Critic2. It makes sense about the pausing and the rhythm. Still not sure about the Heaven Trail. 
Posted: Sat Oct 30, 2004 2:27 pm
Delighted you changed your mind. Yes, when a line a poet has written doesn't fit rhythmicly always advocate tiny pauses. It works!
Posted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 10:24 pm
Who wrote "It Doesn't Matter Anymore?"
Posted: Tue Nov 02, 2004 10:37 pm
deleted.