Daddy's Little Princess.

[Violet]

.. my beloved, I wrote this late last night, and I was so tired, I thought I'd wait 'til today to re-read it before posting. Well, I have, and I rather like it.. so

(my late-morning kiss, first.. x).. (my angel)


.. how are you, my love?.. (I do hope all is well)

.. as to the writing, I am closer to the finish. I've been "in" the menacing section, wrangling it into submission.

.. actually, my love.. I can't not tell you how I've been today.. how I've been just on fire for you today. [just on fire]

.. I believe it started last night, actually, as I was watching this movie..

.. actually, aesthetically speaking--and content wise too--but this movie is inspiring to me.. and.. well, you, too are inspiring to me.. and.. I don't know, before I knew it I was falling into this big downy bed of just wanting you.

.. then today--oh, maybe also because I was feeling just so "clear" today. I'm not sure why or when that happens, but it's such a good feeling.. and

well, as I said, it all translated to my wanting you. [very badly] And.. even as this is difficult sometimes.. still, I find that I'm glad I feel this way. I mean, I'm glad I can feel this way.. to feel to love someone in every way one can love another.

.. I just want to be with you, my love. And so, I'm a child in this, maybe.


I went to our dock today.. and I lay there looking up at the sky for a long while. I could feel the choppy water lapping the sides of the dock.. and there were these wispy clouds reaching across my view overhead, rather in a curved formation that mirrored the shape of the earth.. and there I was.. lying between earth and sky.. listening to the lapping water.. and some very raucous birds in the trees nearby. I was remembering something Castaneda's Don Juan said to Carlos.. he told him to listen "between" the sounds.. and so, that's what I was attempting to do..

.. though still, all my thoughts were of you.

.. oh, and I thought of that poem of yours.. let me see if I can find it.. (although I can never find lines from your poems when I want them, for some reason..

[I've got your Book of Longing here now]

actually, this just cracked me up:

I was a mere boy
of fifty-seven
trying to make a fast buck
in the slow lane

.. oh, I like this too..

It's a pity if someone has to console himself for the wreck of his days with the notion
that somehow his voice, his work embodies the deepest, most obscure, freshest, rawest
oyster of reality in the unfathomable refrigerator of the heart's ocean, but I am such a
one, and there you have it.

oh, this one [which I may even have posted before]:

Darling, I now have a butter dish
that is shaped like a cow

[with that drawing of a cow-shaped butter dish]

but, where are the lines I'm looking for?

.. actually, I can't find that poem, but I found a poem, which was marked by where I'd placed a fall leaf to dry. A leaf I once wrote about here. In a poem, it was.. [I'm now remembering].. but I don't think the leaf was specifically marking this page.. it was just to be "saved" that way, pressed between the pages of your book.

but the poem seems the perfect poem somehow.. when I think of this afternoon.. and my lying facing the sky


THE CENTRE

When I am at the centre
of my unrequited love
I cannot hold it as an object
It has no sharp edges
to torture anyone
I breath the fragrance
of the longing
and the longing
has no proprietor
"O my love" embraces
the great wide sky
as the night picks through
the constellations
lifting necklace
after dripping necklace
for the delight
of Leonard's true beloved
"O my love" cries out
from every pore of snow
and the forest answers
from a great height:
"O my love"
And one heart appears
and one heart dissolves
and they clasp in the place
where I am held up
in the storm
And I walk to you
on the waves of desire
walk across the distance
with something new to tell you
about your beauty
your good legs
and your relentless absence


.. as it was, I sat up, and the brightness on the water had increased, as the sun was lower now. And I got up, and I had to walk the narrow part of the dock, which is really like a walkway to the shore.. but I was smiling, thinking of you. Even as I got up facing the sun I was smiling.

Maybe I imagine it all, that you're there for me in some way. But, even if I do.. even if the sky this afternoon was just the sky, and not you.. even so..

.. is it that the world wouldn't have this sense of lightness without you?


You know, today.. (as has happened to me before).. but, it was almost as if I could see the world's edges.. as if I could see that the world wasn't quite "real".. that it's not quite how it appears.. not nearly so.

maybe this sense of things coincides with those moments that I allow that I am changed. And you know, I don't even know why I say that. But I sometimes feel myself not allowing that I am not the same.

.. and this is not just in loving you, but it may as well be. For I'm changed in that, too.


.. my love, before I go.. I wanted to say something about this movie I mentioned earlier.. a film I've seen before.

.. it's this rather sweeping, three-hour affair.. and some might not realize how significant a film it is.. so, maybe I'll write about that at some point.. though, not now.. as I'm far too tired.

.. actually the history of this movie seems to tie in with what I've been writing, even. Its reception was deliberately torn to shreds, and even having watched a documentary on this film.. as best I can recall, the real reason the film posed such a threat was itself suppressed--even in that documentary. But, in seeing the film again, I've re-realized what it must have been.

.. anyway, what can be readily seen is that every frame is rather like a painting.. and the camera's movement is all mastery.. and Isabelle Huber plays so beautifully a woman who is entirely human and lovely.. and, in that, she is very much the "heart" of the film.

.. (I'll see if I can find a sequence for you)..

.. but first.. I have you in my heart.. x.. (and I wish I were with you, my love)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WZfoi59-1to
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xx .. x xx x..

[Violet]

.. my love, just a little note good-night--I miss you. [how are you?]

.. I'm honing in on finishing this thing still, so, it's close. You know, it's something of a history lesson, too, my writing this. So, I'm learning as I go along. [oh, and some of my jokes I'm keeping, I think].. [from that "slaphappy" day].. [may as well]


.. last night, though, was tough. So, I drew a bath, which I've not done in ages.. and I added eucalyptus mineral bath salts.. and

oh, and I actually lit a green candle, only it wasn't "thin".. it was a votive-type candle, that's naturally pine scented, and a deep pine green.

oh, and I turned off the light, and opened the curtain, since the light outside at night illuminates the white pine by the window.. and it looked quite lovely peering out from the darkness.

so.. there I was.. in my steamy mineral bath.. in the candlelight.. and I was weeping.

I needed a good cry. So, I quietly wept.

I did feel better today for having had that mineral bath, and that long and quiet cry. I got work done.. and I did make it out to our lake again, to our dock. And even though it was cool out, and the sky, cloudy, the sun still felt hot on my face, almost as if it were summer. Oh, and I looked for you again over the distant tree line.. where the trees were that budding spring green--I'm forgetting the name of that green, actually.. the one that's so bright it's almost yellow.


anyway, tomorrow is another day.. [yes, Scarlett again].. and I'm feeling both sad, and hopeful. Not too sad, as I'm trying to be more hopeful about things. You know, my heart resists any "rational" talking to I may care to give it, and so I've pretty much given up on that. That a part of me feels to belong to you.. and that that's wondrous feeling, and just everything.. and so, it's not anything I'd care to have leave me. And no doubt I'm "wrong" in this.. but, for now, that's how things are.

anyway, I'm deciding on a city, and I think I have, where I'll see you perform. I think I'll keep it under wraps for now. [keep some mystery going]

.. well, I'm sure you must be busy with things concerning all that, and I do hope pleasantly so.

.. okay, my love.. I guess I should get some sleep. You know, I occasionally remember the dreams I've had about you.. I just thought of the one where you kissed the back of my neck. I do wish I could have another one tonight, just as tender.

.. my kiss to you, my angel.. x.. (my dearest.. and my beloved.. and my divine)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R5rF1rAO ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. x x .. x xx.. xx ..

[imaginary friend]

chartreuse.

(My favourite colour and one of my favourite words... )

[Violet]

.. ha!.. actually, I did remember the name.. later on, of course.. and I even considered putting in a little "later note".. although now I'm glad I didn't.

.. it's one of my favorite colors, too. [and no doubt the word is French].. I once had this wonderful, soft turtleneck sweater in chartreuse that I lost a year or so ago in Manhattan, alas. I've not seen one since to replace it.

.. you know, I.F., I remain somewhat psychic concerning you. I knew in the back of my mind that if I didn't put in that little note, my faulty memory on this would instead be just the sort of thing to get you to post here. [honestly, this is true].. [I must have a "chartreuse" meter, or something]

.. anyway, that's two psychic premonitions concerning your posting here.

[I'm officially keeping score now]


.. Leonard, my love.. how are you?.. [also: do you like chartreuse?].. [or, even just the way it sounds]

.. so.. I found some good material today, which is helping me "fill in" where I was missing some data in that "menacing" section I mentioned. So, that's good news. The bad news is that this stuff is really disturbing..

.. in fact

okay, a very brief End of the World update/summation:

1. there's still that guru dude in India, who I've heard more about. Now, I'm quite certain his prognostications lack credibility, but this stuff still hangs around in the back of my mind anyway [unfortunately];

2. there's the material I read a few years ago, which I do intend to get back to, as it still seems to me to be credible.. and it's appropriately complex, and so will take some work to get a handle on;

3. there's the material I'm looking at now.. [also rather complex].. and which I also read a bit about a few years ago--and here's the thing:

the technology does exist.. [and this is the stuff I mentioned with regard to the ionosphere].. but the technology does exist to

actually, I may as well wait to state this through the writing.. assuming I will finish writing this thing before the End of the World strikes. [let's just assume so]

[sigh]

.. anyway, I'd just make note that this material adds considerably to the "synthetic" dimension of things. [as per the theme I've been working with]

.. so.. yeah.


.. well.. my angel.. I miss you. Oh, and I stared at the surface of our lake as little raindrops fell upon it, late this afternoon--this, while thinking of you.

.. you know, I guess I need to go to bed now, my love. I'm being brave. I was fighting something today.. some low-grade fever or something.. but I took my trusty herbal tincture, and still I went out.. and I'm doing better now, I think. And tomorrow is Gotham, so I have to be doing better. It will be Gotham in the rain, it seems.

.. I just thought of that Rutger Hauer sequence from Blade Runner.. his moving farewell speech.. (also, in the rain)

but when I went to youtube I saw this, and.. even though I've posted some version of this before.. I think it has something of the sense of Violet and Agent Longing..

.. but first, my tender kiss good-night.. x.. (my love)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=C9KAqhbI ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx x x.. x x.. xx x..

[Violet]

.. well, my angel, I'm back. I do hope all is well with you, my love. .. [maybe if I underline that this time: I miss you].. [and add a little kiss.. x

.. so, you know when you're driving--in the rain.. in the fog.. and at night.. but, I mean.. what's the point?.. you can't see the lanes, even. Yeah, you steer as if you know what the heck you're doing, but quite honestly, you don't. You can use whatever tail lights that may be around you.. to some degree.. so to gauge where you are.. but, I mean.. I don't know, I was just thinking to myself as I was driving tonight what a miracle it is that one ever makes it home in one piece when conditions are like this. Oh, and you think to turn on your high beams, and all you see is fog. [you'd think I'd remember that]

.. well, at least I was listening to Old Ideas.. (my angel). Different Sides and Amen I tend to listen to most while driving.. although Banjo is seeming good for driving as well. [actually, they're all good for driving.. and I'll listen to the whole CD at least once, but those are the songs I find myself pressing 'repeat' on when I drive].. [oh, okay.. maybe Anyhow, too].. [I didn't want to have to mention that one.. but

in any case, my angel.. if I perish on the road, you can be fairly certain it was while I was listening to you. [quite possibly while listening to Anyhow].. [and yes, there's a special--okay, "filthy" part of hell for me, if that happens]




oh. My therapist was quite excited about my "singing" idea. Today was the first time I mentioned to her that I've been practicing old blues and jazz numbers. Actually, I did some singing tonight in the car, in fact, and I do think my voice control is improving overall. Also, I've noticed that the better I know a song, the more I'll mess around with it, and find new arrangements for it.. and use my voice differently at times.. so it's becoming more nuanced, which is rather fun to have happen.

.. you know, singing sometimes reminds me of gymnastics, even. I mean, it can feel like a real workout that way. [especially when I'm following Sarah's interpretations]

.. but, yeah.. I was surprised my therapist would be so excited by this idea.. and that's rather nice, I thought.


.. so.. tomorrow I dive back in there and try to finish up this damnable section. I guess part of the slowness of this process is putting this material through the sieve of Agent Longing and Violet. I mean, it's not like writing a report on something--thank God.. since that would be incredibly dull.. but, that's also what makes it a bit "unknowable" as to where it's going, and how it's going to wind up being.. so

[oh, my therapist thinks I should finish up with this, too].. [I'm hoping those are the "magic" words I needed]


.. anyway, my--oh. Funny, but I wore fishnet stockings today just for you. [??].. It was rainy, but I still wore fishnets and my slinky little low healed mule-ish sandals. Somehow I thought I'd like wearing that in the rain. And I did. [I would have preferred if you were with me, of course.. but it had me in this rather romantic frame of mind.. and

[I think I need something a bit more frustrated seeming than a 'sigh', at this point]


alright, my beloved. I'm fairly certain we will at the very least be sharing a triple-scoop chocolate ice cream cone, and soon.. [fairly certain].. and, finally, I'll learn if you like the color chartreuse. Or maybe just the sound of it. [that was for you, I.F.]

.. I love you, my angel.. x

actually, in honor of upcoming events..

.. (I do like watching this conversation he's having with the keys).. (good-night, my love.. x x x..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Gv94m_S3QDo
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xx .. x xx x .. xx..

[Violet]

.. just a quick note, my love.. as I really have to get to bed at a reasonable time tonight. It's been 2 a.m. the last two nights, and getting up early, and so by today, I was rather done in.

[how are you, by the way, my angel?.. I realized earlier that you may be rehearsing these days, and that had me feeling all tingly just thinking about that].. [it's terribly exciting!]

[sigh]

.. so.. this morning I had "stuff" I had to take care of, which took longer than I would have liked. Then I had a late lunch.. and when I tried to write, I found I could barely keep my eyes open, and I thought.. well.. what if I took just an itty bitty nap, then?.. [something I never do]

.. so.. that's what I did. And then I had a dream about you.

.. I don't know where were.. it was some event, or party or something out on the lawn of a very large home, maybe. We weren't together. You were sitting on this medium-low stone wall, wearing your customary fedora and suit, and talking to a few people.. and I was with this woman--German, I think. You signaled to us to come and talk to you, and she neared you and said she needed to talk to some people in German.. and she assumed I would go with her. [??]

.. I started to head with her toward this crowd of people, but thought: what am I going to do while she speaks German with these people?

and so, I headed back to you. And as I walked up the slight incline of lawn towards you.. I don't know, I sort of panicked. I mean, after all.. here I've been sharing with you my innermost thoughts.. my desires.. my love for you--for months and months and months.. and

I mean, what would I say to you NOW--after all that?????................. [do you like chartreuse??]

[thanks, I.F., I think that one's coming in handy. Actually, I think that between "chartreuse" and the ever ready "Anyhow," I'll have enough to go on for quite a while yet]

[sound effect: the sound of "chartreuse"]

[oh, and few concise drum beats, ending with the obligatory reverberating cymbal sound]


.. so.. yes, my angel.. it was as if my "unconscious" world, which in some ways is me talking to you here.. was meeting my "conscious" world, which it would be if/when I ever met you. (!).. But, I mean.. it was a dream. I mean, I could have gone up to you, and just started kissing you, for cripe's sake! [!!!].. [such a missed opportunity]

.. but.. yeah.. I was panicked. And I thought to go up these stairs, instead--or, maybe it was an elevator. And when I got to the next floor there was this "sticky" door that I was having difficulty getting through, and a woman there told me the stickiness was due to safety laws or something. [??]

[that's almost like saying you wrote Anyhow for "safety" purposes]

[!][?]

.. so.. anyway. I didn't get to speak with you, even. And I awoke somewhere just after the "sticky door."

[sigh]

.. I guess, if/when I ever do meet you, you won't mind if I ask you about chartreuse. (!) [I might have to, it looks like].. [I mean, honestly.. what else could I possibly say??]


.. in any case, when I awoke, I saw I slept far longer than I'd intended.. so.. anyway, it was a lousy writing day. After that, I did ride out to our lake.. and I sat by the water, in the near rain. Actually, it did start to drizzle a bit, too.. oh, and the birds in the trees nearby where making such a raucous again--I mean, either it's mating season, or it really must be the end of the world. [since they would quite possibly know]

.. anyway, my love.. I do feel that anything that happens.. [as far as meeting you goes, I mean].. will turn out okay.. because.. well.. because you are so kind. And I'm.. well.. to tell you the truth.. I'm kind, as well. We have that in common. And I can laugh at myself.. which is surely needed sometimes. [especially if you are conducting a one-way love affair like this, for months and months].. [and months]

[I do appreciate the devotion involved in that, actually].. [it's almost daunting]

.. but.. yeah. I don't think I should panic. I think everything is fine. And kind of funny. And sometimes wonderful. And I do love loving you..

.. like the song says, you're easy to love, my angel.. so

well, anyway, I've decided things will be okay. No matter what.

[sigh].. [of relief]


.. okay, so.. tomorrow really is another day. I have to do tomorrow what I'd hoped to do today.

.. but, I wish I were a fly on the wall watching you and the band rehearse. .. [well, not the fly part, come to think of it.. but the watching you part]

.. alright, my love.. my angel.. [now I really really really want to kiss you].. but.. well.. I can only send you another imaginary little kiss, I guess.. x.. [and maybe another one.. in chartreuse.. x..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NA9mxA9B0OQ
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xx .. x xx .. x xxx..

[Violet]

.. my love, how are you?

.. this really has to be a short one, as I'm under the weather again. It seems I really am fending off something--some low-grade something, and I've felt pretty bad today.. like I should never have gotten out of bed. And it's been cold suddenly, and windy.. up here on--I was going to say "Chartreuse Mountain," actually.. [seems to be on my mind]

[sigh]

.. anyway, I've been trudging through this very technical research, which is utterly devastating, as far as its content goes. I mean, if you ever had even the fleeting feeling that massively lunatic scientists are--well, if not running things, then at least doing the Man's bidding in the most astoundingly grandiose and amoral ways.. [or, do I mean 'immoral?'].. either way, you'd be correct.

[my god]

.. so.. yeah. Been sick, and am trying to get a handle on this stuff. [which isn't that easy when you're feeling this way]


.. anyway, at least the first material I found, which needed some filling in, has been abundantly confirmed by this other material I found.. which cites the original data gleaned from these hard core researchers, who had access to government data bases. I am so happy when I find material like that. The internet is filled with half-baked stuff, and yet.. even that half-baked stuff is often in part the result of this sort of data.. it's just a matter of rummaging around enough until you find the source. [usually by accident]

.. but.. yeah. Glad I found it.. but, as I said.. I'm rather disturbed by the info. in confirms.

[another sigh]

.. well, maybe if I get a good night's sleep I'll be in the clear tomorrow. I'd say I want to kiss you, my angel.. but I don't want you to catch anything.. [still, I want to kiss you] Actually, I was looking all flushed today because of this fever thing, which had me looking rather sexy, I thought.. [just thought I'd mention]

let me see if I can find anything of

oh. Here's some "beauty of our weapons" imagery. I'd first point out, however, that the past use of atomic and hydrogen bombs is well beyond anything most of us normally imagine. For example, most don't know.. [or think about, no doubt].. just what was being assessed through the nuclear testing starting in 1958 over the South Atlantic Ocean, and over one island in the Pacific--both of which comprised what the military called "the biggest scientific experiment ever undertaken." But I've come to learn how injecting a bunch of nuclear radiation into certain of the spheres surrounding our earth is just the sort of thing these mad geniuses had in mind to do. And the science and technology that was in some manner engendered by such testing is beyond anything you'd even care to imagine.

.. I would just add that--before you jump to any "popular" conclusions about things like holes in the ozone layer, or global warming, etc.--check again. There's alotalota stuff they're not telling us. [all of which I'm hoping to reduce to a few choice consumable parcels.. in my story, I mean]

[yet another sigh]


.. anyway, my love.. I guess I need to wind down.. and try to have a good night's sleep. [hopefully]

.. and I hope I dream about you again.. only this time, I'll at least go sit beside you on that medium-low stone wall, and.. well, maybe I'll massage your thigh, or something. [I mean, it is my dream, after all]

.. good-night, my angel.. x.. (I miss you, and.. feverish as I am, I still want you)..

oh, now for more stunning effects as achieved through those beautiful weapons..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... mWBY283o5s
FULL SCREEN..

[Violet]

.. so, do you?.. [like chartreuse, I mean].. [somehow I need to know that now]

.. how are you, my angel?.. I'm realizing you'll be traveling to Toronto [it must be] this weekend.. so, you must be getting ready for all of that. [safe travels, my love].. [and a little early safe travels kiss.. x]

.. now, as to this "chartreuse" business.. [to turn to more important matters, obviously].. but, I mean, I can't see "chartreuse" as too much of a sticking point.. [actually, it's funny that expression just occurred to me, given the "sticky door" scenario in my dream].. [??]..

.. but, yeah.. I can't see it being too much of a sticking point if it turns out you just don't happen to like chartreuse. [or possibly even the way it sounds]

[yes, my angel.. I do have to see this thing through, it seems].. [please bear with me]

.. but, I mean, honestly, when would this issue even likely come up?.. I mean, first of all, as I said, the only article of clothing I ever owned that was chartreuse I managed to lose.. and--okay.. here's one possible scenario that might possibly come up.. [but only just possibly]:

.. okay, so.. we might happen to be looking at paintings in a museum, say.. and we come upon a landscape or something, and I say something like: "isn't that beautiful, my love?.. especially the use of chartreuse?".. whereupon: I notice your decided "indifference".. and feel a little tug on my arm that we might move on to the next painting.. whereupon: I say to myself, "oh, that's right, I forgot.. he doesn't like chartreuse".. whereupon: I make a little mental note to never bring up the subject again.. well, except maybe when I chat to I.F., upon occasion.. since it's likely to come up then [given she adores the color so much].. so--oh, but I'll make sure to go to another room when I take that particular phone call].. [just in case we start gushing about chartreuse, as we no doubt will do--from time to time, I mean]

[I think I'm done now, my love]

.. so.. yeah. I really don't see "chartreuse" as a real deal breaker or anything. I mean, if you just happen not to like it. I honestly don't.

[thanks for your tolerance]

.. anyhow

.. oh. So, I'm still honing in on ending this thing, and it might not be as daunting as I thought. That's all I'll say, as I'd like not to jinx things. [I'm hoping to have this thing posted for you upon your return from your trip].. [that is my hope]

[sigh]

.. actually, I do feel better today, so I must have nipped that feverish thing in the bud. [thank god].. oh, and the sun was out, but it was amazingly windy.. so much so, that when I lay on our dock late this afternoon, there was water splashing up onto it.. [and me].. and the sound of water just belting the sides, as the dock sort of warbled up and down.

.. and as I lay there, and looked at the sky.. well, I could feel the wind under the dock, lifting it a bit.. and I thought of Dorothy, and her little house being lifted up into that fearsome tornado.. and I thought that might be me.. being lifted to parts unknown as I still lay there on my back on this now airborne dock.

.. and as I continued my bike ride, I imagined the dock landing in your backyard [!].. [the yard pictured on the cover of Old Ideas].. and.. well, you already know the first thing I would say to you. [as I lay on my back, all disoriented on that dock]

.. of course, now there's the problem of how entirely silly this post has turned out to be.. and there's really not much I can do to save it at this point. [I don't think]

.. so.. yeah. "Chartreuse."


.. well, my love.. I know I said before that no matter what happens with all of this, it will be okay.. and I do believe that. Still, I fear for this part of me that will remain inconsolable if I never find myself in your arms.. if I never really and truly belong to you.

.. and I guess that's also why this song must have come up in my mind today.

.. but first.. my good-night kiss, my angel.. x.. (and again, safe travels.. and sweet dreams..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-SN11IyZhEw
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx x .. xx xxx .. xx x..

[Violet]

.. oh, my angel.. I can't sleep. I tried to go to bed early, thinking to start fresh in the morning.. but I just lay there awake.

.. I'm wondering where you are, now. Toronto?.. or not yet.. maybe.

.. anyway, I go 'round and 'round with things. Nothing makes sense. Or, maybe what does make sense I don't like.

.. it probably makes no sense to love you.. so, why is it that I do?

[sigh]

.. well, I guess I can only try and be brave, and just keep going with things. I mean, maybe the future is something of a mystery. And maybe I can live with that. And maybe love, too, is something of a mystery.. and maybe I have to live with that, too.

.. you know what my therapist said to me?.. she told me you "belonged to the world."

.. it's funny.. part of me agrees with that.. and, in that.. well.. you've really no need of me, then.

but then this other part of me feels something different. I guess it's how it is I feel close to you--especially here, where I feel it's somewhat intimate, and close feeling. [even knowing that most of the readers here love you in some way, too.. which is what makes it special here]

.. but.. yes.. there's this part of me that feels close to.. I don't know.. your more "protected" self, maybe. Or else I couldn't love you.. if you were just this persona that "belonged to the world." I mean, I think that's a very important part of you.. but

well, I couldn't love you if that's all there was to it. I don't think I could.

and you know, I think the vulnerability that's housed in so many of the songs in Old Ideas is entirely close to what I'm talking about.. the self that's normally "protected".. and in that way, it makes your music that much more valuable.. because we're living in such strange times.. and all the work I've done this past year trying to understand more deeply just what seems so very wrong about things.. about our culture..

.. it's not as simple as being told lies. It's to be absorbed into the lie, somehow. And how does one protect oneself, then?.. when the assault is so insidious?

.. but.. somehow so simply.. you do. Maybe in not protecting yourself. But then, it's in being the self that you are. [and in that, nothing is all that simple]

.. anyway.. what you've done is terribly dear.. and important.


.. now, I've made myself all teary. Please be safe in your travels.. and I wish I were there with you and those honoring you this weekend--Monday.. but, it's okay that I'm not. I've to finish this darn thing. I did some work today.. but I'm still circling around this troublesome part.

.. I love you, my angel.. x

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uMwbU-Ip ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xx .. x x x..

[Violet]

.. alright, I'm just going to give you a little kiss for tomorrow.. x.. (and I do hope all is well with you, my love)

.. I'm tired.. and am still in that "menacing" section, but am plowing through it.

[sigh]

.. so, tomorrow morning I make my final decision as to which city I will be watching you perform in. It's a timing thing, given that trip to India idea.. so, I do hope things go well with this ticket purchasing business. There's something about getting Jarkko's password.. then following the link, etc.. [and fearing the whole time to have your computer mysteriously go out on you, or something].. that makes one somewhat anxious about this whole procedure.

.. so.. I hope it works out. [ I mean, it has to]

[sigh]

.. alright, I really am feeling a bit numb--oh, but I did go to our dock again today.. and even with the wind not as fierce as it was that very windy day, there was still that sensation.. [as I lay there, looking up at a lovely cloud-filled sky].. but.. yes, I still had the impression of lift-off.. as if that were about to happen. I wonder if I got good at concentrating the way Don Juan said to--between the sounds, I mean.. I wonder what happens then?.. [I guess if I ever do wind up landing in your backyard you'll have at least one answer to that]

.. you know, the funny thing is.. now I actually want to know if you like chartreuse. [funny how that happened]

alright, my angel.. I better go to bed so I don't mess up this ticket purchasing ordeal in the morning. [I may have to "spit" tomorrow, too].. [I'm not sure it's good to be spitting and ticket purchasing on the same day, in fact].. [it could mess things up].. [I may have to postpone the spitting, then].. [too risky, probably..

.. okay, now I just brought up spitting, and I wanted to give you a tender and romantic kiss good-night.. or possibly good morning.. or.. well.. whenever-you-might-be-seeing-this sort of kiss.

.. anyway, it's all those things.. x.. (my beloved)

.. (oh, and I thought maybe a song with some sensational "build" for tomorrow, my angel.. x xx..

(I miss you)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-1TPApkr ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xxx x.. xx x..

[Violet]

.. okay, I just wanted to say, my love, that I just did the ticket purchasing thing and I feel like I'm about to have a heart attack. (!)

.. I just took the first thing offered, since I didn't want to "lose everything" sort of thing.. but it's orchestra.. maybe off to the right, I think.. [so, that's stage left, I guess].. but it's probably a pretty good spot.

.. I think I'll leave it a mystery for now just WHERE I shall be attending.. but I feel the password was just perfect, I thought. [that's all I'll say for now]

.. oh, I didn't have my [own] password selected ahead of time for that particular vendor, so that threw me into a panic as well.

.. oh--and my computer is acting all "schitzy" today, too. (!!)

[my god]

[sigh]

.. I love you so much, my angel.. and I can't wait to see you perform. [I'm even having my deep purple, Romanesque-type dress shortened.. (yes, shortened).. just for the occasion.. (that's probably what I'll be wearing.. unless I change my mind).. (it's what I wore at the Beacon, actually.. so

.. I am so excited. (!!!!)

.. alright.. my angel.. I do wish I was going to be with you tonight.. (my heart is there with you, though)..

.. so

back to work.

(you are my divine)

oh--something from my youtube file.. sort of sexy.. and I like the "black against red-and-white" motif..

I love you, my angel.. x

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sCvh1l-2 ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xx xxx.. xx x..

[Violet]

.. my angel, how are you?..

.. well, from what's been reported, it sounds like last night was a lovely time had by all. Very touching, too.. with quite a few hankies out, it sounds like.



.. oh--I loved your Glenn Gould anecdotes (!)..

.. but.. uh.. (my love).. does this mean you never actually handed in the article, then?.. (my angel)..

.. hmm..

.. you know, there's no time like the present.

(my beloved)

.. I'm sure they'd accept it even at this late date. [pretty sure]

.. so

[something to consider, I think]


.. anyway, my love.. it's been raining fairly consistently for two days now, and I've not made it out to our lake.. and so I was beginning to feel a bit down about things. I did do some singing, which helped, but

you know, the truth is, I almost don't want to show up here, even, if I'm NOT done with this thing. [the writing, I mean] Okay, I'm still getting a handle on just what needs to be included in this last section.. and it's this scientific data that I'm not terribly familiar with, and which is all over the place, really.. so.. I'm sort of understanding it more and more.

.. so

[sigh]

.. anyway, if I'm scarce around here the next few days.. you'll know why.


oh--I remember what I wanted to mention. Now, it seems you've been this "presence" in my dreams for the last two nights. And last night.. [although I'm not sure I saw you exactly].. but it seems you went out with my, uh, Dad.. [yeah].. and you both wound up singing old standards. [!!].. oh, and you both were trying to remember some of the lyrics.

.. also, it seems you were here, in this little carriage house.. and when I went to open the fridge to see what I might have for us to eat, there was a colorful array of frosted cakes on every shelf. (!)



.. but, I mean, the thought of you singing old standards with my father.. [who, alas, is no longer here].. but, it's rather sweet, I thought.

.. maybe I should try and find another one of the numbers he liked to sing to me.. [since I know I've posted one or two before]..

[let me go see].. [..]..

okay. He really loved this one--I can't tell you how many times he must have sung this to me--full throttle. (!)

[as I think I've mentioned before, this really must explain a few things].. [I mean, it has to]

.. okay, my love.. here's my tender kiss good-night.. x.. and.. well.. it's onward and upward..

first you take Europe.. and then it's.. well, it's your v i o l e t flower.. [in a charming town as yet undisclosed].. [x xxx ..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dnkS7oMP ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx xx xxxx .. x x x..

[Violet]

.. you know what, my love?.. this is a little Valentine's Day post, even though it's not Valentine's Day.

.. why?.. because, I've had such a strange day today, that's why. I've been working away.. but, still.. it's been rather emotional for me.

.. at one point, I felt as though my heart were tearing apart.. and all I wanted to do was to go and curl up in bed, and cry. Only, why?.. I don't know why.. I just know that when that happened I thought that I must really love you, or.. I mean, why else would one suffer so?.. and.. I mean.. not ever having met you, even. [??]

.. but why today?.. again, I don't know.

.. I'll be alright. Actually, I was just working this evening, and now I'm winding down.. getting ready for bed. [I just listened to Lullaby, and Different Sides]

.. oh. I guess I felt that way before, since I felt I was losing you.. which is perplexing since it's not like I "have" you, even, to lose.. so.. I mean

I really have invented something here. I don't even get any of the perks of having you.. but still I get all the devastation of losing you (!) [??]

[sigh]

.. but.. yeah.. I decided I must really love you to feel so greatly.. and to be so devastated. It's actually almost wonderful, if didn't hurt so. I mean, to feel so greatly.

.. so



changing the subject for a moment.. I never knew anything about the Van Allen Belts until now. [those radiation belts circling 'round our earth, I mean] And I haven't really thought about an electron or a proton or a neutron since something like grade school, I don't think..

and, really, if you had asked me what "plasma" was a few days ago, I'd probably tell you it was some gooey green stuff sold to kids. [probably]

.. so.. yeah.

.. gosh, how did this Valentine's Day post turn into plasma?

.. anyway, I love you. That's why this is a Valentine's Day post. And I've been training myself not to think in terms of outcomes.. since that never works. Nothing ever is what I'd planned it to be.. and so, why should that change?.. well, except that.. soon I'll be done with the writing. I'll post it here.. [in I don't know HOW MANY sections.. since it's gotten so long].. and then starts a new chapter of some kind.

[I wish I could kiss you.. right now.. on some cloud..

.. anyway, it was sunny today, at least.. and lying on our dock was just glorious. I feel to be far far away from any cares at all when I'm there.. and.. I don't know, I feel closest to you there. I feel lucky, too.. to be in this little paradise.. away from all else.. the water once again brilliant with reflected light.. the sounds of it, splashing, and lapping the sides of the dock.. the birds making their raucous noises.. [though far fewer this time]..

.. and I lay there, looking up at the sky again.. listening.. or trying to listen again "between" the sounds. Then I thought I heard "humans" approaching.. and I thought I better leave, since I'm not really supposed to be there.. but, as I walked on the walkway to shore, I saw I was wrong. It was something in the rushes--only what?.. I couldn't tell. I'd say a frog, only it wasn't the croak of a frog I was hearing. I watched the area for a moment, and listened.. but, still, I couldn't fathom what it was. I still can't fathom it.. or why I originally thought it was "human." [??]

.. anyway.. then I got back on my bike.

.. it's so rare that I hear that heavy-brass triangular bell chiming--the one hanging from the branch of the hemlock. The one the sound of which reminds me of Tibet. You and I in Nepal.. or Tibet.

.. but it's so seldom that the wind is strong enough to have it chime. Not today.. and not in some time has it made that wonderful timeless sound. Still, I always look for it as I pass.


you know, you probably think I'm lonely, but I'm not. I don't know how my life will change, and somehow I feel that it will. And maybe there will be more to do.. and more people to be involved with. But, I don't think I'd ever regret this time.. this time when I spent so very much of it alone.. writing.. riding my bike.. thinking of you.

I know I won't ever regret it.


.. okay. Another day, another chunk of this section done. I'm laying the historical groundwork for something. It seemed to need that. Some "lead up" that had been missing

so

that's why this has been a challenge. Since new things like this crop up. But, I know I need to be finished for so many reasons now

so

that said



.. alright, my love.. (my divine)

x

.. oh.. since I've been reminiscing about my father.. I know I posted the final speech from this movie a few times, but I'm not sure about this sequence. Especially the scene at dinner. As I've said before, this is probably the only performance of Paul Newman's where he really transcends his film persona as "Paul Newman." Sydney Lumet was wonderful with actors.. and.. I don't know.. maybe it was the timing, as well.. for Newman, I mean. Things lined up just right, and he was transported somehow "into" this character.

but in this scene, over dinner.. the way he holds his cigarette.. the way he's making his points.. his "conviction" about what he's saying.. the kinds of things he's saying.. he reminds me so much of my father. I rather like it when that happens.. when there's something recorded somewhere that.. well, for you, personally, preserves something very intimate about someone.. even though it's out of context, of course. But.. yeah

.. another kiss, my angel.. x.. (that all be well with you.. x x x

(and, of course, I miss you..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TMp40pkJ7io
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xxx xxx . x x x.. xx x..

[Violet]

.. my angel, how are you?.. (I do hope all is well.. x)

.. I've had a good day, writing wise, in that I cut a path through a thicket in my "science" section, which means I see some light at the end of the tunnel sort-of-thing. [finally]

[sigh]

.. tomorrow is Gotham, and I think it's to be sunny, and nice.

.. I can't stay up too late, but thought to look at the next passage in your Book of Mercy..

47

My soul finds its place in the Name, and my soul finds its ease in the embrace
of the Name. I struggled with shapes and with numbers, and I carved with
blade and brain to make a place, but I could not find a shelter for my soul.
Blessed is the Name which is the safety of the soul, the spine and the shield of
the innermost man, and the health of the innermost breath. I search the words
that attend your mercy. You lift me out of destruction, and you win me my
soul. You gather it out of the unreal by the power of your name. Blessed is
the Name that unifies demand, and changes the seeking into praise. Out of
the panic, out of the useless plan, I awaken to your name, and solitude to
solitude all your creatures speak, and through the inaccessible intention of all
things fall gracefully. Blessed in the shelter of my soul, blessed is the form of
mercy, blessed is the Name.

.. even not understanding it, quite.. it sooths me.. even as it awakens my mind.

.. for the reader, and seeker, even.. it's to reside in the power of words.. in how precise they are here.. as "felt" is their precision.. their deeper meanings.. especially those of which we are not consciously aware.

just as our souls know of other lives, perhaps.. though in this lifetime, most of us do not. Such experience and meaning is in us, then. And perhaps it is for us to come to awareness, then, as through the "Word."

In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was
God himself. He was present originally with God. All things were made and came
into existence through Him; and without Him was not even one thing made that
has come into being.

.. not one thing made that is not of the "Word."


We, most of us, are careless. Careless with ourselves. Careless with others.. with important matters, even.

with words.

I know I want to read more.. texts that I think would enlighten me more as to the meaning of the "Name," as in these passages you use it.

Blessed is the Name which is the safety of the soul, the spine and the shield of
the innermost man, and the health of the innermost breath. I search the words
that attend your mercy.

.. "I search the words."


.. this "shelter" you speak of in many of this book's passages..

through your words it's to "feel" something of this shelter.

I'm reminded of Minimal Art, of all things. All things being what they are. All words in and of themselves what they are. Together they are jointly

as

.. solitude to solitude all your creatures speak

and it's

.. the Name that unifies demand, and changes the seeking into praise.

.. in the Word itself, we are "sheltered." In the "Name."


we live as much in the "structure" of things, as we do words' specific content.

.. I'm sheltered in this "structure".. the structure of this passage..

.. and seek to conform to it, even as I know not why. Though I know in that there is comfort.

[show me the place where you want your slave to go]


You lift me out of destruction, and you win me my soul. You gather it
out of the unreal by the power of your name.

.. and again, there is not one thing made that is not of the "Word." All is chaos, but for the Word..

Blessed in the shelter of my soul, blessed is the form of mercy, blessed is the Name.



I love you, my angel.. x


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LsYhFFwy ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xx .. x xxx..

[imaginary friend]

Violet wrote:
you know, you probably think I'm lonely, but I'm not. I don't know how my life will change, and somehow I feel that it will. And maybe there will be more to do.. and more people to be involved with. But, I don't think I'd ever regret this time.. this time when I spent so very much of it alone.. writing.. riding my bike.. thinking of you.

I know I won't ever regret it.

Dear V,

...a time when you were moved in mysterious ways. I told you that's how Leonard works.

XO