Daddy's Little Princess.

[Violet]

.. you know, my love.. I've been thinking about these lines from Different Sides.. [how are you, by the way?.. actually, it's true I miss you even more when I don't post here]

but, yeah.. these lines:

I say that you shouldn't.. you couldn't.. you can't
You say that you must and you will

.. and I think of the political ramifications.. but, given

You to your side call the word

well, of course "the word" is no doubt biblical..

.. and then I think of the conflation of God and man.. or maybe even God and "the Man".. thus, the dark side of God.. [if man is a reflection of God].. given what "the Man" would, and could, and--well, has done.

[okay, Anyhow, I see, still has a firm lead as per my iTunes roster, but Different Sides is definitely well ahead of the pack in second place] [of course, to do a comprehensive analysis of each and every song, as to its positioning in my iTunes roster would be entirely silly].. [and so, yes, I may have to do that at some point] [in other words]


oh--my beloved.. I saw for the first time last night Laurence Olivier in The Entertainer, a film in which he plays his most favorite character of his career, Archie Rice, who is this second rate comic/song-and-dance man, who performed in tawdry English music halls. This 1960 production is part of the British New Wave, which really put out a lot of terribly good films.. this one based on a novel by John Osborne, and directed by Tony Richardson.

.. but, one reason I have for bringing it up is a scene that spoke of the blues in just the most moving way--it actually had me in tears, in fact. It was when Archie Rice, who liked to keep on the surface of things--given how dreary his life would be otherwise--but, he was telling his young adult daughter how the one thing that he'd witnessed in his life that really got inside him was when he was at some night club or other, but there was this rather large "negress," is the word he used.. who was herself down and out--had nothing, it seems.. but, in that moment, she stood up, and started to sing.. and everything that was drab and dismal in this world seemed to fall by the wayside in that, as it was just so very moving what he heard in her voice as it so beautifully emitted this "spiritual," I think he called it. And in his present state [when recounting this] he said he wished he was her. He wished he had something as real inside himself. I'm not quite capturing what he said, though.. it was more degrading of the woman initially, which only made what he said of her once she started to sing that much more redemptive--although I mean for him.. as I somehow felt the woman to be "sound in herself." [even with things being what they are]


.. anyway, my angel, it's been a rather challenging time for me. I awoke feeling just so very down, with low energy. But, I managed to move through that, and I feel much better tonight. It's been so sunny, too.. which usually helps so much. But today it was tough going for a while.

.. still, I keep working away, and that helps. Oh, and yesterday, I did make it out to our lake. It was also sunny, but so bitter cold my fingers were again freezing, even in my leather ski gloves (!) The water was once again that deep blue.. and the ice has now formed this island.. and in one spot makes for a bridge from one side of the lake to the other.. though I have no idea why that should be. I wondered what it would be to walk across it, though I imagine that would be rather precarious an undertaking. [still, I wondered]

.. I sang today, too.. even though it's harder when I feel low in energy. But, still.. I figure if I can sound okay on a day like today, then I'm doing pretty well with it. I think I have to study more some of Billie's numbers, as I'm feeling more and more drawn to them. And especially when I feel rested, it seems like the blues brings out these richer tones in my voice, which I rather like.

anyway, my love.. I'm finding ways to keep above that sense of "grimness" that sometimes happens, and that I feel is just so unacceptable.. especially since I know I seem to have the power to overcome it mostly. Still, there are times..

.. oh, also.. especially given it's been something of a struggle today.. I thought I'd look at the next passage from your Book of Mercy..

42

It is to you I turn. The table stands on tiptoe. Every object leaps to its place.
The closed book rises on its thousand pages and my wakefulness rejoices.
I turn to you, my song in the hues of night, my shield against the quarrels.
I turn to you, who unifies the upward heart. Your name is the foundation of
the night. The Accuser, with his thousand voices, stands in the place you
are not named. Blessed is the name that holds this house in the firmness
of mercy, and binds this song to the rock.



The Accuser, with his thousand voices, stands in the place you are not named.

.. you know, too.. there is this deep deep sadness in the material I'm writing. How it is that darkness enters unawares. How vulnerable we are as children.. and.. in being robbed of childhood through all manner of trauma.. how precarious, then, is one's "coming of age." And then I think of that in terms of this country's "coming of age".. and in that, it's enough to weep.

The table stands on tiptoe. Every object leaps to its place. The closed book
rises on its thousand pages and my wakefulness rejoices.

.. this is the opposite of that "grimness" I mentioned. I just thought of the "negress" Archie Rice spoke of.. and of Catherine Tekakwitha.. how her pockmarked face was said to transform to sheer beauty upon her death. To shed what's given us as "defective".. to shed that even in the darkness of our shame. It can happen at any moment, and seemingly under the worst of conditions.. that choice wherein one's wakefulness rejoices.

.. (I love you, my angel.. x)..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BSV1UtcMkUI
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx xx .. xx xx.. xx xx.. x x..

[Violet]

.. my angel, how are you?

.. the weather had gotten almost balmy today, and I'm feeling quite a bit better. I don't know how it happened exactly, but I've got engagements for the next three days. Tomorrow it's Gotham.. and I'll be meeting up with some people.. then Saturday crazy cuz comes up with his new girlfriend, whom I've not yet met. [she's got one of those "double names" that women from the South have].. [oh, 'cause she's Southern].. [oh, and yeah: this means c.c. finally got laid].. [finally]

[crazy cuz]

then on Sunday an old friend of the family is stopping by with some "news".. although I have no idea if he means it's good or bad news.. so.. I'm rather wondering. [hoping it's good, of course]

.. but.. yeah.. don't know how that happened all in one weekend.

.. anyway, I've been working hard enough, and so I guess a break might help. I didn't think I'd be fleshing this thing out as much as I have been, but.. well, it's this endless pit of misery, which I'm trying like crazy to sew up somehow. Just now I'm writing some material that is actually pissing me off as I'm writing it, which is not fun. And I keep asking myself what I hope to accomplish in this.. and

well, this is the "dungeon" section of the story. Agent Longing and Violet are probing the cultural underbelly, as it were.. and I do plan on getting them out of there as quickly as possible, it's just that

well, if I don't do this comprehensively, then I'm not sure it will work. I mean, yes, it's a lot to swallow.. but at the same time, it's rather "all of a piece," as it were.. and the more I get that across, the more "believable" it will become overall, it think.

actually, I just thought of something John Huston once said about a film I'd like to get my hands on, as I'd seen it just once when I was a very young adult--on television. But it's since fallen out of circulation. It's his film on Freud, starring Montgomery Clift. [after the car accident].. Anyway, Huston didn't have final cut on it, and was disappointed to see fifteen minutes taken out of the film by the producers. But he said something interesting though on that. He said that sometimes.. in thoroughly explicating something.. a film will actually seem shorter, since the audience is given to understand something.. whereas if you go strictly by the clock, and edit accordingly, you might in fact make the film seem longer--if vital information is missing.. which is what he contended had happened with his Freud movie.

.. so.. I guess that's comparable to my dilemma just now: how much do I need of this material?.. as it will go on forever if I don't just artificially end the thing at some point. Or, end the amount of layers to it, as I already have the ending.. so

.. that's been the problem, my angel. I really really am trying to get it done, though.. really and truly I am.

[triple sigh]

ohmugod. [having just been to youtube] I JUST found Huston's Freud! [!!!!].. I had no idea someone posted it there--THE WHOLE THING. [!!!!!]

.. wow. I'll have to get to it next week it looks like, but.. wow. Too bad it's not Huston's cut.. but

[wow]

[my love.. have I ever told you HOW MUCH I love youtube??].. [I did??]

[oh]

[I could just kiss you, my angel]

[well, I could kiss you anyway, in fact]

[and to think it's been there for several years, even]

[my god]


.. okay.. [moving right along here].. [and regarding singing now]..

first: I'm really liking this new hairdo I've got. It must be how Amy felt when she realized she needed to do a Beehive--oh, and that Cleopatra-ish eye makeup--okay, I'm not doing either, but.. something about having this crown of curls atop my head I'm quite liking. I'm wearing it that way all the time, now. I feel like I've reinvented myself somehow. [??]

second: this is just something I noticed for a while now, though I'm not sure I have enough examples.. but.. okay, who cares?.. [I'll do it anyway]

.. so.. [it's a lyrics thing].. so, first off.. there's this theme in these old standards of there not being the right words, or enough words, even.. to say what one feels.. [in the love department, of course].. as per songs like Johnny Mercer's Too Marvelous for Words.

[you remember, my angel:

you're just too marvelous.. too marvelous for words.. like glorious.. glamorous.. and that old standby, amorous..

now, add to that--this "bird" theme..

.. so you have..

.. you're just too marvelous.. [etc.].. followed by..

and so I'm borrowing a love song from the birds
to tell you that you're marvelous.. too marvelous for words

[which, by the way, you are, my love].. [too marvelous for words, I mean].. [which is, of course, a bit ironic, since.. well, words are so near and dear to you].. [to me too, actually].. [but then, when it comes to old standards and their lyrics, one really can't quibble too much, I don't think]


now, there's also Lullaby of Birdland.. which quite obviously is about birds.

first, a little wiki on this song:

"Lullaby of Birdland" is a 1952 popular song with music by George Shearing and lyrics by
George David Weiss under the pseudonym "B. Y. Forster" in order to circumvent the rule
that ASCAP [American Society of Composers, Authors and Publishers] and BMI [Broadcast
Music, Inc] composers could not collaborate. The title refers to Charlie "Bird" Parker and
the Birdland jazz club named after him.

[end wiki quote]

[okay, I knew nothing about any of that 'til just now].. [need to bone up on my jazz standards, I think]

oh--but before Birdland.. these lovely lines from that Cole Porter number.. [which, when you consider that the lark is needed to "sing" about the feeling, I think carries on this theme I'm developing here]..

when you're near there's such an air of spring about it
I can hear a lark somewhere begin to sing about it

[I just love that, my angel]

followed by Birdland, in which, once again, 'words' don't have nothin' on 'birds'

check it out:

Lullaby of Birdland that's what I
always hear when you sigh
Never in my word land
could there be ways to reveal
in a phrase how I feel

Have you ever heard two turtle doves
bill and coo when the love?
That's the kind of magic
music we make with our lips
when we kiss

[etc.]

.. so.. yeah.. words, it seems.. are for the birds. [who knew?]

[end: word/bird thesis, as per old standards]


actually.. having just gone to youtube where I watched an interview with Amy Winehouse in which she said "fuck her" when Billie Holiday was mentioned.. I.. uh.. so, anyway.. in defense of Billie.. I think I'll go out with one of her classics.

here's one I don't think I've posted yet.. [even though it's short on birds, it seems].. [anyway, I do think Amy would have come around].. [eventually]

but, first.. I send you my kiss, my angel.. x.. (you know you're in my thoughts all the time.. even when I'm not writing you as Agent Longing).. (you just are, my love).. (okay, so.. this one's just for you, then)

(I miss you)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_mitLcbH ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx xx.. xx x.. xx xxx..

[Violet]

.. Leonard, my love.. how are you?..

.. so, it's been a strange weekend of cancellations. Last minute ones, so I had all the work of preparing for guests.. and then…………… no guests. [??].. But, I'll say this for what happened: my place has never been so immaculate and organized (!).. so, it pays to "think" you're about to have guests (!!)

.. so.. next weekend it seems will be what I thought this weekend was supposed to be, only I'm ahead of the game, preparation wise.

.. anyway, my love, I'm missing you.. more than I know how to say. Or more that I should say. [so I just won't tell you how I'm in a mess over it].. [I just won't].. [nor will I tell you the part about how I'm always lecturing myself on how I "shouldn't" be.. well, you name it].. [and my doing that does get rather exhausting].. [oh, especially given I can't seem to draw any lasting conclusions.. so

.. actually, the only lasting conclusion I manage to maintain is that I miss you!]

[sigh]

[okay, one more sigh for all of the above].. [make it a drawn-out one]

.. so.. anyway..

oh, and if I'm away from here more than usual, my angel.. it's that I'm trying to use my energy as wisely as I can so I can get this darn writing finished. Sometimes I'll see that I'm up posting something--and it's two in the morning [??].. and I'll think: this is actually gonna hurt tomorrow, when I need my strength to keep going.. so..

[just thought I'd mention my new "conserve energy" initiative]

oh, so.. last night I wound up watching Huston's Freud on youtube [given c.c. and his girlfriend didn't show].. and

well, first, it's entirely out-of-sync. But I watched it anyway. [the out-of-sync part lends another strange layer to it]

But I rather liked it. I certainly liked Monte as Freud. And its dream sequences had me thinking about Hitchcock .. specifically, his 1945 Spellbound, where he used Salvador Dali imagery. [Huston's film is 1962]

Oh also: for some reason there is John Huston's OWN voiceover laid over it, which doesn't really make much sense. It should have been first-person-Monte-as-Freud voiceover, if there was to be voiceover at all.. but I have a feeling it was Huston's last ditch effort to try and bring some coherence to it once those fifteen minutes were removed.. except I honestly didn't think that was necessary.

.. anyway, overall, I thought it rather interesting to follow the various stages Freud went through initially..

.. well, except that.. I don't know, for me it's strange now to see the "official" Freud Coming of Age story, when I've read a revised account of all this material that is just fascinating, and I believe far more truthful. I'd say more, but it feels to be another example of something I'd need to make "a case" for.. so.. that's not something I'm up for right at this moment. But it's a substantial area, with rather remarkable ramifications. Anyway, for now, I was just glad to finally see this film again. [now my goal is to see if I might finally see it IN SYNC!!]

[can't have everything, I guess]

.. so, it's sunny out, and fairly warm.. which means I should probably get out to our lake, my angel. I took a ride out there yesterday--oh, but it was much colder. Still, the ice is all gone now, and so spring really must be just around the corner.

.. alright, well.. tomorrow starts another work week. [with an extremely tidy place to work in].. I do hope I impress myself and get this thing done soon. Then I get to worry again about its content.. but that's a preferable problem, I feel.

.. oh, I did read one more passage from your Book of Mercy last night before going to sleep..


43

Holy is your name, holy is your work, holy are the days that
return to you. Holy are the years that you uncover. Holy
are the hands that are raised to you, and the weeping that
is wept to you. Holy is the fire between your will and ours,
in which we are refined. Holy is that which is unredeemed,
covered with your patience. Holy are the souls lost in your
unnaming. Holy, and shining with a great light, is every
living thing, established in this world and covered with time,
until your name is praised forever.


.. you know, each line of these passages I often feel to be something I might meditate on individually. But, for now..

Holy is the fire between your will and ours, in which we are refined.

.. I think Freud might have liked this line.. with the unconscious--or, well, in the sense of its violent conflicts--very much wed with the element "fire."


.. I like the phrases "covered with your patience".. "covered with time".. [rather like a blanket, with its sense of comfort].. actually, I'll be thinking more about time, when I finally return to my quantum physics material.. and in terms of that, I think this phrase in some manner corresponds with time's "illusoriness".. even the idea of time as a type of "cover."

now for the entire line

Holy is that which is unredeemed, covered with your patience.

.. this line speaks to me the most just now. I just thought of a beautiful little gem.. waiting in the pawnshop. Only, its owner isn't able to put the money down on it just yet. Oh, and I'm not sure she ever did own it, even. Not knowingly, at least. And so, if ever she does get herself together enough to redeem this valuable little gem, it will be in her possession for the very first time. But for now, it remains "unredeemed." [still.. she dreams of it sometimes]


.. alright, my angel. I guess I'm a bit sad just now.. so I'll get out there.. in the sun and the wind.. (and I'll be thinking of you, my love).. (I do hope all is well).. x

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0CvLdQVg ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx xxx .. xx xxx .. xx xxx..

[Violet]

.. my angel, how are you?

.. I see that tomorrow is the 100 year birthday celebration for your teacher, Irving Layton. I was just now attempting to watch the video that's been posted here on him, but my connection is acting a bit funky, so.. I'll need to do it later. [this I'm writing on my desktop] As for Layton.. he's on the list of people I'd love to read, as I really haven't yet. Just here and there. But, certainly, personality wise, I quite like him.. [I wish I had a teacher like him, in fact].. [once upon a time, I mean]

later note: okay, I just watched the video. ["Poet: Irving Layton Observed"] What an explosive personality, so full of life (!).. and towards the end, his assessment of one of his poems as conveying there being no such thing as death in all the cosmos, as per his granting even the rock the desire to be like the butterfly.. and, as to that, and all that speaks to that in his ebullient nature, I can't imagine his spirit to be anything but alive.. [a happy 100th, Irving!].. [where ever your spirit may be]


.. so, my love.. I was thinking of heading into the city this evening, though I may opt to stay home and work.. even though the documentary I was thinking of seeing is related to what I'm writing. But, yes, it seems the man in charge of the most heinous of U.S. ops during the Vietnam War, who later became the director of the CIA.. but it seems his son is doing a

well, here

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... M1p0Mlhs7c
FULL SCREEN..

.. now.. excuse me for being a bit skeptical at this point, but I have a hard time trying not to analyze just WHY there is a doc like this out there right now--and by William Colby's son, no less. I'd have to see it to really make an evaluation, but if I had to take a guess.. well, I figure "the Man" now realizes that A LOT of people now know what Colby and others were up to in Vietnam.. and there was that Church Committee too.. [in the 70's].. exposing the citizen spying program set up here at home as per COINTELPRO.. [as regards the anti-war movement].. and given all such things do reflect on all that's going on now.. I'd say that maybe the Man thought it might be a good idea to put more of a more "human" face on it all.. and, I mean, who better to do that than Colby's own son??

[something along those lines]

.. of course, I can't imagine this doc will get into the nitty gritty of it all.. not really.. [only as much as is absolutely necessary, which is no doubt leaving out A LOT].. [actually, it would have to, if it's going for the "human" touch]


.. anyway, my love.. I'll probably forego seeing this now. It means a trip into Gotham.. and I see that already it's getting late.

.. I did want to add that.. well, from what I've learned in my research over a good period of time, if you have a source who's an "ex-FBI" higher-up, for example.. [as I was looking at a guy like that a while back].. or, as in this case, if you have the son of a seriously high-up official.. in such cases it is HIGHLY UNLIKELY that this person represents anything but more smoke and mirrors. I mean, I know it's romantic 'n all to think that the son just wants to square things with his father.. and the past, etc.. but

[sigh]

.. having said that, there will still be a degree of useful information imparted. However, the trick is in keeping enough distance on this stuff, while attempting to make out what might well be the specific agenda being parlayed.

.. actually, I see.. [as per the trailer I posted, and other material I've just been looking at].. that Colby died in a "boating accident" in 1996. Now, I do know that such accidents do in fact happen sometimes.. but.. uh

[??]


.. as for the 60's.. it's interesting how I keep bumping into this time period all-over-the-place just now. Just on Sunday, actually, in the Times' obituaries [of all things] there were two relevant "deaths".. the first one concerning someone by the name of Maxwell S. Keith, who was a replacement lawyer for one of Manson's family members in that famous murder trial. Now, I'd not realized that the lawyer he was replacing died while the trial was on recess--just when he happened to have been, uh, "camping".. [uh..

[yeah: camping]

[sorry to be so skeptical with stuff like this, but.. believe me, it's warranted]

.. oh, and this replacement lawyer had to absorb in the neighborhood of EIGHTEEN THOUSAND DOCUMENTS in a very brief period of time.. 'cause that's what you want to have happen in a high profile trial like this one.. [don't you know]..

.. so.. yeah.. the sorts of things I've been reading about, and thinking about, and writing about are being confirmed in such revelations. [this makes the cross-checking researcher in me rather satisfied, in fact]

[two little purple stars for v i o l e t flower **]

.. now, the second item--actually, it was the first, as it was right above that obituary.. [both of them being half-page obits, with pics].. but this one was for the once obscure academic scholar whose work.. [which, under normal circumstances, would have remained relegated to some dusty corner of academic, theological forgottenness].. but whose work was instead thrown into the public spotlight when "the Man".. [a la Time Magazine's publisher and--according to my key source--U.S. intelligence asset, Henry Luce].. but yeah.. when Time Magazine's

Is
God
Dead?

cover graced the newsstands.. so introducing to the world one Dr. William Hamilton.. "a tenured professor of church history at a small divinity school in Rochester." As the Times further states in his obit, this is when "an academic debate among theologians went mainstream." The question, however, is why?

The year is 1966. The war was one year in progress. And the burgeoning Sunset Strip music scene was exploding onto the airwaves.

[to be continued].. [in one form or another]


.. actually.. this isn't the Strip.. but

okay, let me just preface this. Now that I'm looking at music history more closely than I have in the past.. [and, yeah.. I sometimes wish it was just my love of music that was driving me in this.. but

[sigh]

in any case.. not that I'm focusing on Dylan very much in this writing I'm doing, although his name does come up, in fact.. still, I've always felt that I would some day have to get a better handle on the history attached to this personage, and I may have just bumped into an interesting bio in that regard.. [but don't worry, my angel.. I still plan on reading that bio on you.. and as I've said, I do think it's been wise of me to so far keep a certain distance on someone else's take on your past, etc.. Besides, Dylan's music never stole my heart the way yours did.. so].. [just so you realize].. [I mean, you have absolutely nothing to worry about].. [and anyway, until I'm done with writing this story, I'm doubtful I'll even read this Dylan material.. so

[just saying].. [my love]

[you know, if you are there.. you must laugh at me sometimes].. [my angel]

.. anyway, having just poked my nose into this Dylan book.. [in the middle somewhere, as I seem to have a habit of doing].. oh, and 'cause this album in particular gets mentioned in my writing

but yeah.. here's this memorable number, the accompanying "music video" of which I quite like as well.. [though it's shot on film, of course]..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IMIlP4zB0EM
FULL SCREEN..

now, from what I read.. [and I definitely concur].. that Dylan number was influenced by

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5b2w_nJLuvw
FULL SCREEN..

and both songs could be said to be antecedents to rap music.

[anyway, this spot seemed somewhat timely, with Chuck Berry's songwriting having just been honored--and given this is a particularly good song of his]


.. alright, my angel. Back to work. It's a bit gloomy today, but I'm alright, I think. I am missing you, my love.. but working hard.. and

I don't know, I think I need a shot of something

let's see.. (this one oughta' do it, I think).. (it usually does).. but first.. all my love to you in this kiss, my angel.. x.. (and I hope all is sunny, and well)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yOnXe8tt ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx xxx.. xx xxx .. xx xxx..

[Violet]

.. my angel.. I've been missing you more than I can even describe. It seems to be worse now that I'm not posting here every day, although I do think this measure to be necessary, if I'm ever going to finish writing this thing. I took a gander at the WHOLE thing today, and

actually, sometimes I find that--well, beyond worrying about being sued.. [for which, as I've said before, I just might have a "creative" solution].. but, besides that.. I sometimes think

actually, I probably shouldn't even say. But, I do get a bit worried at times. I mean, the thing about the "Evil Empire".. [as we'll be getting to below].. but the thing the Evil Empire hates the most is when you "connect the dots" sort of thing. I mean, from all I've been able to discern.. that's the thing they hate the most.. so

[oy]

anyway, my love.. before I move on.. I just wanted to say again that I'm really really missing you.. (I really am)

.. at least the weather's been strangely mild for this time of year.. and yes, I did get out to our lake this afternoon. Actually, it was early evening but it gets darker so much later now, and so I can put off the time I go. Anyway, there was no sun by that time, but it was still light out, and the reflection on the water made it seem almost white--but not quite.. and I was wondering what color you would have said it was, my love.. [if you'd been with me, I mean].. [sigh].. Anyway, I thought it had a slight "putty" base.. only that color was diluted to the point of near invisibility.. and yet, it was still faintly there.. almost as if it were "felt," instead of seen.. [like your presence, perhaps, my angel]..

[here's a little kiss, for now.. x]



.. okay, well, with the news being on an absolute "tear" these days, I think I have to do a

NEWS IN BRIEF

1. Gosh, I thought there was something rather special about you [my love] and your countrymen.. but this really takes the cake, I think:

Cheney Cancels Canada Speech over Protest Fears

Former U.S. Vice President Dick Cheney has canceled an upcoming speech in Canada out of fear
of protests. Cheney’s latest Canadian appearance in Vancouver was marred with rallies and an
attempt to see him tried on war crimes charges. A spokesperson for the company that booked
Cheney to speak says Cheney "felt that in Canada the risk of violent protest was simply too high."

[Democracy Now, March 14, 2012]

[you guys sure showed him]

[he really is such a wuss, though, isn't he?]


okay, item number

2.

.. uh

where do I even begin?

Uh.

okay, um. Let me just say this. If I can. Now

alright.. when a

hmm

you see, when a, uh, "employee" of, uh.. the "company"--I mean, the mo--I mean, the firm--or, no, "a" firm.. like

GOLDMAN SACHS

writes a "tell on Daddy" op-ed piece in the New York Times.. [even if it's entirely insipid].. but it's.. well, it's

okay, this just DOESN'T happen. Not to Goldman Sachs. No way. And yet, it DID happen.

now, the thing is

Well, first: I hope this Greg Smith person [exec. director and head of the firm's United States equity derivatives business in Europe, the Middle East and Africa] but, yeah.. I just hope he has some, uh, life insurance.

[and, quite honestly, I truly doubt he could get some now.. so].. [he's pretty much sunk if he doesn't have it].. [or, well, his beneficiaries are]

which brings up my point. You don't go against a Goliath like Goldman without being SERIOUSLY backed. Only, who's backing this guy?

who?

now, there are clues as to what my thoughts may be on just this topic in my story, in fact.. [in earlier segments].. although, like a lot of my story [so far].. I've not really picked up on that particular thread. [YET].. [there's always Part 2, remember].. [only, I think it best if I keep concentrating on finishing Part 1].. [for now]

.. but, yeah, WHO'S BEHIND GREG SMITH?.. and why do they think they can go in for the kill without some serious serious fallout?.. and why now??

why? why? why?

gosh, I wish I had more of a clue as to

a. just what was offered Greg Smith, so that he might have felt tempted to do such an outlandishly dangerous thing?? [so far 2.15 billion dollars in losses to Goldman, just in one day, due to this little tattletale].. [let alone all the talk at cocktail parties].. [I mean, that's gotta hurt]

now, what wa

oh.. yeah, so

OR:

b. just what sort of info. did the vying party [shall we call it] have.. in order to put the squeeze on this Smith dude so that it looked to him like a better option to risk everything [including his life] to do this thing??



oh,

OR:

c. maybe this Smith dude was in a REAL bind with something, and went to this "vying party" for protection--in exchange for his agreeing to this little tattletale letter sort of thing. .. [!]

any case.. it's already late.. [uh, it WAS already late.. now it's.. ].. [bleh]

so.. anyway.. don't know how much of this I care to delve into just now. [I will be sloshing around, though].. [before too much of it gets mopped up, that is]

[my god.. can you imagine what's going on inside Goldman just now??].. [how much aspirin may be needed????].. [Alka-Seltzer???].. [Tylenol???].. [Excedrin???]..

[it does boggle the mind]

Anyway, I thought I'd end this bit with the little tattletale's letter itself, just to be a bit professional here. [for a change].. [seems like the "right" thing to do, I think]

actually, I don't get the New York Times delivered, so I missed this op-ed yesterday, and had to search for it on line. I do believe this to be it, though.. [as best I can tell]

[oh, and I highlighted my favorite bits]


Why I am leaving the Empire, by Darth Vader

TODAY is my last day at the Empire.

After almost 12 years, first as a summer intern, then in the Death Star and now in London, I believe I
have worked here long enough to understand the trajectory of its culture, its people and its massive,
genocidal space machines. And I can honestly say that the environment now is as toxic and destructive
as I have ever seen it.

To put the problem in the simplest terms, throttling people with your mind continues to be sidelined
in the way the firm operates and thinks about making people dead.

[now that's top copy]

The Empire is one of the galaxy's largest and most important oppressive regimes and it is too integral
to galactic murder to continue to act this way. The firm has veered so far from the place I joined right
out of Yoda College that I can no longer in good conscience point menacingly and say that I identify with
what it stands for.

For more than a decade I recruited and mentored candidates, some of whom were my secret children,
[wait, did we really need to know that??] through our gruelling interview process. In 2006 I managed
the summer intern program in detecting strange disturbances in the Force for the 80 younglings who
made the cut.

I knew it was time to leave when I realised I could no longer speak to these students inside their heads
and tell them what a great place this was to work.

How did we get here? The Empire changed the way it thought about leadership. Leadership used to be
about ideas, setting an example and killing your former mentor with a light sabre. Today, if you make
enough money you will be promoted into a position of influence, even if you have a disturbing lack of
faith.

What are three quick ways to become a leader? a) Execute on the firm's 'axes', which is Empire-speak for
persuading your clients to invest in 'prime-quality' residential building plots on Alderaan that don't exist
and have not existed since we blew it up. b) 'Hunt Elephants'. In English: get your clients - some of whom
are sophisticated, and some of whom aren't - to tempt their friends to Cloud City and then betray them.
c) Hand over rebel smugglers to an incredibly fat gangster. [okay: I admit it.. as I'm not an avid "Lucas"
fan--nor Spielberg--I'm not as up on these "Alderaan" references as--well, as competently as an
upstanding member of the Evil Empire should be] ..

[I've always liked the doughnut earmuffs, though].. [probably needless to say]

[but, sorry.. let's conti

When I was a first-year analyst I didn't know where the bathroom was, or how to tie my shoelaces tele-
pathically. [actually, I do like the shoelace bit. I'm just playing hard to get] I was taught to be concerned
with learning the ropes, finding out what a protocol droid was and putting my helmet on properly so
people could not see my badly damaged head.

My proudest moments in life - the pod race, being lured over to the Dark Side and winning a bronze medal
for mind control ping-pong at the Midi-Chlorian Games - known as the Jedi Olympics - have all come
through hard work, with no shortcuts.

The Empire today has become too much about shortcuts and not enough about remote strangulation.
[that's probably my favorite one, actually] [oh, along with the one near the top, which I italicized]
It just doesn’t feel right to me anymore. [actually, that's a good follow-up line]

I hope this can be a wake-up call. Make killing people in terrifying and unstoppable ways the focal point
of your business again. Without it you will not exist. Weed out the morally bankrupt people, no matter how
much non-existent Alderaan real estate they sell. And get the culture right again, so people want to make
millions of voices cry out in terror before being suddenly silenced.

[from a brit site called the The Daily Mash].. [which, as best I can tell, is comparable to what we here
call The New York or L.A. Times, or The Washington Post].. [as best I can tell].. [I mean, there are some
cultural differences, but generally speaking, I'd say that's the ballpark we're talkin' about with "The
Mash"].. [although, I admit, it's a catchier name]

.. actually, this is a little "in house" video done over at Goldman. [when it was a "good" place to work, I think was].. [before it lost its way, I mean]


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eLqsWJK8jpQ
FULL SCREEN..


.. (my beloved.. another kiss.. x).. (oh, and this weekend is that "booked" one.. so.. I may be a bit scarce).. (keep well, my angel).. (I'll be thinking of you).. (missing you).. (hopefully dreaming of you)

.. oh, wait a minute.. speaking of Golden Saxes.. [and "other galaxies," even].. I was delighted to come upon this bit of splendiferousness.. (which is just for you, my love).. (all for you).. (xx x x

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WROq_IUy ... AAAAAAAAAg
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx xxx xx x x x.. x

later edit: typo on Spielberg.. [probably a Freudian thing, as I do know how to spell that.. so

[Violet]

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FZh4VSBn ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. my angel, my love.. how are you?

.. the weather today has been glorious.. just a glorious spring day, and it's not even April yet.

I did go to our lake, and there were lots of people outside again, enjoying the sun's warmth, and starting their spring gardening, and looking just so happy that spring had arrived, and so very early. Even my small yellow daffodils are coming up.. ["as I wander lonely as a cloud..

.. the weekend started strangely enough, though. I did wish for a dream of you, and so I got my wish, though not the dream I'd hoped for. You were not in the dream so much as a presence.. as in my "awareness" of you. And I saw that I'd lost you. And I checked, and checked again, to see if this were really true. And, yes, I saw that it was true. You were gone from me.

.. and I awoke with such a fierce headache. And maybe this was in some way helpful, as it kept me from wallowing in how inconsolable I felt, given I had to tend to this more immediate pain.

.. and I had guests, and so I had to at least "pretend".. [in my mind, I mean].. that maybe I hadn't lost you. Or, that maybe you'd change your mind.. (or maybe you loved me, even)

.. and the weekend progressed, and "the friends of the family" came.. a man and his wife. And they both went on about how absolutely great I looked. I guess they really meant it, since they kept it up throughout their visit. I'd not seen them in quite some time, so I guess my "fabulous" initiative has had greater effect than I'd even realized--oh, and they loved my new "do".. and want to come to the open mic, since I told them about it.. though neither of them have ever heard me sing.

.. there was some bad news.. though it could be worse. It involved a health issue.. but he's okay, it seems.. so.. thank God for that.

.. and crazy cuz's girlfriend was a lot of fun, so that went well. Oh, except that c.c. insisted we watch Terrence Malick's Tree of Life.. [which I'm taking the fifth on, for now].. [not at all my cup of tea, in other words]

.. luckily, I just happened have Jane Campion's Bright Star rented from Netflix.. so, I cleansed my viewing pallete with that. [c.c.'s girlfriend was really taken with it .. and I think even c.c. got swept into it, in spite of himself].. Actually, I used to think it a five-hanky movie, but I'm upgrading that to twelve.. (and after that dream, too, my love..

I mean, it was terribly difficult not to start sobbing while watching it, but I didn't, given I had guests.. well, except that tears were falling down my face at the end. [okay, before that, too]


A thing of beauty is a joy for ever:

Its loveliness increases; it will never 

Pass into nothingness; but still will keep 

A bower quiet for us, and a sleep

Full of sweet dreams, and health, and quiet breathing.


my angel, I awoke early this morning, and had so much I wanted to write you, but didn't want to disturb my sleeping guests, which I would have done if I went to my computer.

.. maybe it's just as well I didn't. I was full of such sadnesses.. whereas now I'm just too tired to even remember what I'd been thinking. [although I'm feeling far less eloquent that I'd felt early this morning].. In any event, I'm glad tomorrow starts a new week. I want to work. But, for now.. I feel I can't tell you how I feel.. and still, I want to.. though, again, I know I shouldn't.

tell me.. do life's circumstances determine everything for us?.. even if it's to make allowances for what isn't quite right?.. for what has us feeling at odds with ourselves, and restless?

is it brave to drop all "shoulds".. to do what the heart requires?.. must we be at odds with ourselves.. when your lips are so simple.. as simple as the sky?

.. I send my most tender kiss.. x.. (I'll write soon).. (I love you, my angel)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OUOnxpWUxhM
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx xx xx .. x xxx x.. x x x..

[Violet]

.. you know, my angel.. maybe it's just too late now. I'm ruined. But I've let you ruin me, so I must want this. I must need it.

It's bad today, how much I want you. It seems an affront to all that I am that I don't have you. I think the gods are malicious in this.

aim for those you love

[isn't that what I quoted of Cocteau?]

aim for those you love

[from Godard's Alphaville]

.. well, you're all in me, my angel. There's not much I can do about that now.

anyway, I've been working hard, and found some really good information that's filling in a lot of gaps, even just for a deeper understanding.. [which helps me in finishing what I'm writing]

.. when you start to more fully comprehend the "system" in place, it really does demystify certain things. And then you say: I see what it is you are. All of your fine science.. your intellect.. your soul, if even you have one.. it all amounts to this sinister equation.. that really amounts to nil.

.. when, instead, we could have here a heaven on earth.. just a heaven. [and "plenty"]

But, no.. we've to be enslaved to this ludicrousness, which keeps us in these dark dark times.

.. unless..

I only have an inkling of "unless"

although I'll be working on it. [!!].. [won't get near it 'til Part 2, though]

but for now, it's to understand the "problem" more.. as sinister, and as ludicrous as it may be..

.. even as I'd prefer your arms, my love.. your lips..

I do wish you could at least promise me them. [just a promise I'd settle for.. for now..

just a promise.. or

did you say the 'fragrance' of such promises?.. (the ones you "never dared to vow")..

I'd settle for such 'fragrance', even.. (for now, I would).. (my angel)

I kiss you, my dearest.. x.. (that all will be well)


oh. I wanted to tell you.. I've really been liking Amen. It's really such a beautiful song. I love how.. I don't know.. how contradictory you are in some ways. I mean, this gorgeous instrumental.. lamenting, maybe.. all the horror..

I like the line when you say

tell me again that you know what I'm thinking
[but vengeance belongs to the Lord]

I especially like your intonation on "you know what I'm thinking"

.. it resonates as I do the work I've been doing. ["the Man" being so very interested, it seems, in our "thoughts"]

.. another kiss, my angel.. x.. (you are so dear.. so close to me, and dear)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aAbEeoxs ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xx xxx .. x xxx.. xx x.. xx xx.. xx..

[later edit: I changed the youtube link; the first had the lyrics, some of which were transcribed incorrectly.. so

[Violet]

.. my love, how are you?

.. I'm wondering what Jarkko's announcement on the 26th is about.. your touring, perhaps??

.. very exciting, if it is. (!) And, if so, I hope you decide to do every one of the songs from Old Ideas. Each is really deserving of that. In any case, you'll be making so many people so very happy if that is indeed the "news".. [especially those of us here, my angel]


.. well.. for now.. all I can do is keep focused on what's directly in front of me. I'm learning some things.. and it looks like lousy weather this weekend, which is good, since it's even better for working then.

I do admit to feeling a bit sad.. or.. I don't know.. I just don't like the limbo I feel to be in at present.. but, really, I'm okay.. and know how to keep focused, instead of falling prey to gloominess. [usually, at least]

.. I did make it out to our lake.. yesterday and today. Maybe it was yesterday, when the sun was going down, and it shone on the lake so strikingly. It was a blazing beam of golden light that was crossing the water.. [from you to me, my angel.. is what it felt like]

.. anyway, my love.. I miss you. But I'm so happy if you've decided to go on tour again.. and

well, I guess it's true.. everything is in flux, always.. and if one is open to it, anything could happen in one's life. I know I could be in poor health right now.. or depressed, or without purpose.. and I didn't allow that to happen. Maybe you've helped me in this. You know, your songs are as wonderful as they ever were--even as they are different.. which is wonderful, too. And to see them performed would be.. well, utterly divine.

you know.. you make me smile. You really do.

.. okay. I'm working away. And the finish line is fairly close. Just needed a bit more data, which is the time consuming part.

[actually, I don't know if I'll fit this into Part 1 of my story or not, but I learned today that the earth's ionosphere should not be messed with].. [of course, it is being messed with.. and

[okay, that's all on that for now]



.. well, my love.. you know I'd kiss you if I could.. but.. well, this is all I have at present.. x

I'll see how often I get here.. but if I'm scarce.. just know I'm working hard. Friday I may go to Gotham, though I usually take a print-out with me.. and it's helpful to read it that way, in any case. Actually, I've been away from even looking at it for a few days, since I've been taking in this additional info.. so, now it will be a lot easier to look at with fresh eyes.

[I better get this done soon, I just realized, since I'm not sure you'll have time to buy me that triple-scoop chocolate ice cream cone, or let me mess around with you under the table once you get to touring, I don't think].. [so.. maybe this is good: additional pressure to finish] [!]

.. okay, another kiss, my angel.. x.. (you know if I ever met you, I don't know if I could stop smiling

speaking of..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uQSBPfeC ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

[wasn't that lovely?]

.. xx xx xxx.. xx xx .. xx x..

[Violet]

.. oh my god, my angel.. I can't believe this happened to me again. I thought I saved the post I was writing, and it was a good one.. but when I went to youtube I copied the link, forgetting that that meant I no longer had the post copied.. and when I went to push "submit" I lost the entire thing [!!!!]

I will have to reconstruct it later this weekend.

[bleh]

.. I miss you terribly, my love.. but it's 2 a.m.. so.. I better get some zzzzzz's..

.. all these kisses to you.. xx x xxx x.. (I adore you).. (oh, and this one special one.. x

and

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ElyZpwVC ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx xx x.. xx xxx ..

[Violet]

.. my love, how are you?

.. I feel as though I've been away from here forever.. and yes, I've been missing you, but working away at things, at least. I don't think I'll try and "reconstruct" what I'd lost the last time I attempted to post something. [though I'll probably recount some of it soon]

.. Jarkko, I see, has a secret chart to get us to the heart of whatever the matter is. [so, it was Jarkko, all along, who had that thing]

[who knew?]

.. so, I guess we'll see tomorrow, then.

I have been making time to get out to our lake, my angel.. and today I caught some sun, even though it's been rather overcast. Anyway, with the last of the sun, the water was uniformly glistening, and

well, like so many other times, I wished that you were there with me.. it was just so very lovely as to make one feel at peace with things.




.. meanwhile, on the research front, I've been comprehending better some heretofore unknown threads pertaining to what I'm writing. I feel I have a much better understanding of how a lot of this stuff fits together.. and.. well, I guess I'll see how that might come up in the writing itself. Tomorrow I plan on, once again, putting on my protective writing gear so that I might re-enter that dark entanglement. [finally] At least I found a good new source for expanding what I'd been working with. And, of course, it's all terribly sobering.. [or infuriating].. and I awoke early this morning having dreamed something horrific, and seemingly related to all I've been taking in. I'd say more, but then I'd have to explain.. and I just don't have the strength just now. [it ain't good though, that much I can say]

.. oh. Thought I needed to do another


NEWS IN BRIEF

Cheney Underwent Heart Transplant, His Office Says

WASHINGTON (AP) — Former Vice President Dick Cheney had a heart transplant Saturday,
after five heart attacks over the past 25 years and countless medical procedures to keep
him going. Cheney, 71, waited nearly two years for his new heart, the gift of an unknown
donor.

[excerpt NY Times on line, March 24, 2012]


I do find it a pity, though, that it's taken him this long to have a change of heart.

[I'm sorry, I couldn't resist that]

[end: News in Brief, lest I lower myself further]


.. actually, my angel.. in my travels through cyber-space this weekend, I came across this.. and.. well, as I'm something of an anglophile, I found it rather compelling.


Tuh beh oar nat tuh beh?' That was the question
Charlie Cooper
The Independent
Sat, 17 Mar 2012 20:07 CDT

"To be, or not to be, that is the question." Or is it "Tuh beh oar nat tuh
beh"? If you were to ask the Bard himself, he'd probably say the latter.

This radically different pronunciation is, according to a new scholarly
recording of Shakespeare's works, much closer to the way the line
would have been spoken by the company of actors who first performed
Hamlet 400 years ago...

… The result is a more muscular Shakespeare that sounds harder and
much closer to the common man than we have become accustomed
to "Romeo, Romeo," becomes "Rohm-yo, Rohm-yo"… Henry V's "Once
more unto the breach" becomes "Ons moar un-tuh thuh braych", which,
when roared out to an imaginary army, makes King Henry sound more
like a bar-room brawler than the prim aristocrat that Olivier portrayed
in the 1944 film.

The original pronunciation also makes the language move faster. Crystal's
OP version of Hamlet, though abbreviated no more than most productions,
was about half an hour shorter than most. "When we hear original pro-
nunciation used in relation to Shakespeare, we enter a new auditory
world," said David Crystal. "Rhymes that don't work in modern English
suddenly work. Puns missed in modern English become clear."

The Crystals are "95 per cent sure" of the accuracy of their method. Taking
as their sources the archaic spellings used in Shakespeare's First Folio and
an early grammar textbook written by his contemporary Ben Jonson, they
were able to trace the sounds of Shakespeare in the rhythms and rhymes
of his plays and poems.

Rhymes that do not work in modern English, such as "love" and "prove"
suggest an older pronunciation. As Ben Crystal puts it, "no-one other than
Elvis Presley ever extended the vowel sound in love", the rhyme must be
on "prove" - so "love" for Shakespeare sounded like "loove"...

Richard III:

"A horse, a horse! My kingdom for a horse!"

"Uh hoarse, uh hoarse! Muh kin'dum furrah hoarrse!"


http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=pl ... PlpphT7n9s
FULL SCREEN..

I especially like how certain puns are now come to life.. and also, how the bawdiness, too, is more pronounced.

[honestly, I wish I were back to reading Shakespeare again, rather that what I've been researching].. [I really do, my angel]

[sigh]

.. actually, when I did a promotional trailer for my Ophelia project a while back, I was working with a brit actor from West Country, who was playing Yorick the Jester.. [come back to life in my screenplay]. It was really a more eastern version of West Country, since he demonstrated for me how the further west you get with the accent, the more difficult it is for--well, certainly for Americans to make out. But I quite liked the accent, and thought it really did add to the part. [little did I know I was hedging toward what's talked about above]

actually, back on the pun front.. [though you need to flash-forward a bit]..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gu5g86nhWK4
FULL SCREEN..


.. anyway, my beloved.. tomorrow it's back to the drawing board. Oh, and we all get to see what Jarkko's been dangling there in front of us. [I can't imagine it's not your going on tour, though]..

.. okay.. it's beddie byes for me. I do hope all is well, my love. It seems it is, with this news that's coming..

.. my kiss to you, my angel.. x.. (a very tender one).. (I miss you just so much)

oh, and.. last of all.. another nod to the blues.. she's looking quite blue here, herself.. but it's rather wonderful watching this, having just been getting acquainted with Ben Webster and Gerry Mulligan.. [and now there are others here to look into]..

(good-night again, my angel.. x

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TaPIyo51cr4
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx x.. xx.. xx x..

[Violet]

.. my angel, how are you? I wrote part of this post earlier today.. then below that is this evening's section.. so, here's part one..


.. oh, my love.. I'm missing you just so much.. [and wanting you]

I do hope all is well.

I awoke feeling just so miserable today. It was that feeling again that you were gone from me, although I didn't remember having a dream. I just awoke nearly in a panic.. and I lay there a moment, wondering how to deal with it. But then I got up, and started my day.. did some writing, even before taking a shower.. [I sometimes listen to Old Ideas when I'm in the shower, as I did today]

then, I had some breakfast, and

well, I felt better then. And

well, as the day progressed, I just felt closer and closer to you, though I don't know what that means. I just know I feel most miserable when I feel you to be gone from me, even if I don't know why I should feel you to be gone. Or why I should feel so wonderfully close to you, at times.


.. so, yesterday, I was pleasantly not surprised to see what Jarkko had in store for us. It's just so exciting, my love (!) I mean, first you come out with such a wonderful album, and now you're hitting the road with it. It's like a dream, almost.. [just so very wonderful]

oh. Should you need a backup for your backup singers.. [or even a backup for the backups for your backup singers].. I'm your v i o l e t flower, reporting for active duty. True, I've never sung backup.. but.. well, that never stopped me from doing anything before.. so

[just thought I'd mention].. [you know, in a pinch].. [should you be in a bind, I mean]

['course I better start paying closer attention to the backup tracks now].. [now that I just volunteered]

[probably a good idea]

.. what else.

.. well, the writing is looking better and better. I'm relieved. I think it's working, for the most part. I'm still smoothing things out, and adding info., but it's reading pretty well, I think.

[actually, this is one of the most troublesome things I've ever decided to write. And yet.. it's fun, too.. the "relationship" part, I mean.. that's really the fun part..

.. so.. yeah. I'm hopeful.

[end: "afternoon" section of post]


.. just now I'm listening to your Lullaby, as it's rather late, and of course it's best to listen to just before bed. It's just so soothing, my angel.. so calming.

well, I thought I'd transcribe this tonight, from your Book of Mercy.. given how it's true, my angel, my heart feels torn..


44

The meditations of the great are above me, and the entwining of the letters
is beyond my skill. I cannot climb down to the vehicles of holiness, and my
dreams do not ascend. But you have taught the heart to search itself in
simple ways, with broom and rag, and you do not abandon my heart to the
dust. I come to you for mercy and you hear my cry, and you shelter me in
my portion, and you make my deeds a warning. Blessed are you who
hears the cry of each man's portion. You cast me away to draw me back,
you darken every expectation which is not you. You have taught me with
a voice, you have rebuked me with a cheap reward. I cry from my defeat
and you straighten my thought. It is your name that makes the cry a heal-
ing, it is your mercy that guards the heart in the panic of yes and no. Let
the heart speak to its friend, you who decipher the world to a child. Let the
heart speak of the love that humbles it for wilder love, and let my whispered
gratitude uphold me through this day. In the hopelessness of every other
thing, you make your place, you strengthen your presence, and I ask to
bow down before the lord of my life.


.. this seems terribly right for today, somehow. You know, you both humble me,
and fill me with such a sense of complexity in that as well.

I cannot climb down to the vehicles of holiness, and my dreams do not ascend.

I wonder if this is in some manner my predicament.

.. you make my deeds a warning.

is it the warning we disregard?

.. you darken every expectation which is not you.

I feel to know this well, even as I want sometimes not to.

.. you have rebuked me with a cheap reward.

and so to be steadfast.

Let the heart speak to its friend, you who decipher the world to a child.

that simple kindness may reign.

Let the heart speak of the love that humbles it for wilder love,

just in reading that I feel humbled, and even that "panic of yes and no."

.. and let my whispered gratitude uphold me through this day.

I forget gratefulness sometimes. I fear my own sense of unworthiness. I fear
to be not good enough.. Let my whispered gratitude uphold me through this
day.. and those that follow.

The meditations of the great are above me, and the entwining of the letters
is beyond my skill.

But you have taught the heart to search itself in simple ways, with broom and
rag, and you do not abandon my heart to the dust.

In the hopelessness of every other thing, you make your place, you strengthen
your presence, and I ask to bow down before the lord of my life.


.. my love, I miss going to our lake, as it's been two days now. But, after being given such a warm reprieve, this sudden winter coldness seems almost unbearable. But, still.. I miss the water. I miss my manner of thoughts when I gaze upon it. I miss my thoughts of you. [I miss you, my angel]

I find myself wishing sometimes that I had just the perfect thing to write, to say.

I know there will come a time when I won't be writing these little love notes anymore, and maybe then I'll know better what it was I'd been doing with them, and with you.. with this "sense" of you I have.

.. well, I'm tired, my angel.. and want to hear you sing again: sleep baby sleep.. [which feels to be sung only to me.. just to me you sing that song]

.. okay, my angel. As Scarlett said, tomorrow is another day, and I'll get more work done, and so be closer to finishing this thing.. whereupon the sky will turn violet--but for just a brief moment, so be sure to notice. And then I'll give you that kiss.. [and stop writing everything down]

.. but, for now.. I need to write down this lovely idea of just the sweetest, most tender kiss.. x.. (with my humble gratitude for all that you mean to me, my angel).. (my dearest dearest love)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uUmNkAXq ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

xx.. x xxx .. xx.. x x.. x.x..

[Violet]

.. my angel.. um.. I adore you. [I think it's time you accept that fact].. [it's a fairly durable one, it seems]

.. anyway, I hope this little note finds you well, my love. [you must be busy, in advance of all that awaits you these coming months]

.. yesterday I made the mistake of perhaps working a bit too feverishly on the writing.. well into the night..

.. which somehow led to my having just the most horrendous nightmare I've had in a long, long while. It was on the order of a Cronenberg film, just to give you some idea.. although I daren't concretize it by giving it any more specificity than that. It was so awful that all I could do.. [while in the dream, I mean].. was to call on that part of my psyche that might help me to "pull" out of the dream. And in total horror, I did awake.. only then something else rather freaky happened.

okay, the room was dark, except for a smoke alarm on the ceiling that has this very small green light.. only, when I awoke, I saw the whole visible light spectrum--each color of it.. separated in these strands that were spiraling either down to me, or spiraling out from me.. back into the tiny green light. [??????]

[remember, it wasn't all that long ago that my chiropractor/healer person saw "violet" colored light emanating out of my crown chakra.. [yeah, violet].. and, except for the fact that violet is the color associated with that particular chakra, I never did figure out what that meant.. except that that experience seemed wonderfully "divine" somehow.. whereas, this had an evil, menacing feel to it.

.. anyway, I was able to re-focus and so get this creepy "spiralie" effect to cease, but, combined with the Cronenberg dream I just had, it had me terribly terribly upset. I thought I was drawing something just horrific to me, given all the disturbing material I've been working with.

actually, the dream did involve my having these frightening little creepy-crawlers inside me.. [which were just starting to surface, in fact].. and so it really did seem to signal my "taking in" something harmful.

.. today, at least, after having some sleep.. [though I still could use more].. but I feel far more calm, and can think about this fairly even handedly, I think.

still.. I worry about what it is I'm doing to myself sometimes, my love. I honestly do.

but, there's nothing to be done about it now, as I need to finish this thing. I guess I should avoid writing 'til all hours of the night.. since it's draining.. and

well, sometimes one's best protection, it seems, is to keep well rested.

.. anyway, my love.. I was making some serious strides towards finishing this thing yesterday. I was really getting the overall "scope" of it, which is rather ambitious, all told.. and thus: all the time it's been taking. But, I mean, I have been working just so very hard. Not that I'm not human, and don't procrastinate too, at times.. but.. still.. I really have been consistently working away.

[sigh]

.. tomorrow is Gotham. A good break, then.. [even armed with my trusty print-out]

.. as for up here on High Hopes Mountain.. [yeah, I went back to that one].. the weather has been so extreme. It was nearly summer a week ago. Then back to wintertime. And there have been days of furious wind, too.. like today.. all morning long there was the sound of the wind through the trees.

.. yesterday, there was a rainstorm that lasted quite a while.. but in the afternoon, there was such sunshine.. and so, I rode out to our lake, my angel. It was so good to see the water again, which had just the most dazzling diamonds of light dancing upon it. [just dazzling!] And I stopped my bike, which I never do.. but I stopped, and just watched these diamonds dancing.. [how incredible that the world affords us such things].. and, of course, I was thinking of you.

.. send me some healing thoughts, my love.. [to help keep the evil spirits at bay] [!!]

.. and I send you all my love, in just this little kiss.. x.. and all my best wishes for everything to come.. all the excitement, and love, and exquisite beauty you too afford us all, through your beautiful song, and person.

(another kiss, my angel.. x.. ).. (to me in this song you're my Hamlet.. explaining your side of things..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-E53gme ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

.. xx xx.. xxx x… xx xxx.. xxx x..

[Violet]

.. my love, my angel, how are you?

.. I'm missing you.. and hoping this note finds you well.. [a special kiss towards that.. x]

.. it's been just lousy weather, but that only makes it easier to sink into some more research.. [some really interesting stuff, in fact].. and this evening, into some more tweaking and writing.

.. but, you know.. I know I've been at loose ends lately, given all the strain I seem to be under.. and so, I thought I'd try something a bit more frivolous, for a change.

.. oh, actually.. as an homage to the fact that this thread used to be called "Cumalot".. [and to those of you who have come to this thread more recently, well.. hmm.. it's hard to know where to begin. I think it was baby bond--a.k.a. Sir Falloffhishorsalot-- who came up with that name.. and.. well, it's sort of self explanatory, I think].. [just like I don't think I need to explain to anyone the meaning of my beloved's song "Anyhow"].. [I mean, the writing's on the wall with that one.. and.. well.. if it's a song that some have claimed has gone under appreciated, I suggest it has to do with

actually, I can't think of one reason why this song should go under appreciated, so I'm not the one to ask.

.. which reminds me.. I had some pretty nice verbiage on that song in the post that I accidentally deleted a while back. As I recall, I had been saying something about

[okay, this is painful trying to recount what was already quite nicely stated]

.. but

[sigh]

.. okay, I think I have to back up a bit.

I think what I was writing about in that post really boiled down to something like this:

.. now, unlike some assessments of [my beloved's] Old Ideas, I myself don't think I could single out which song is the best, or the second best.. or the least successful, etc. Instead, my contention is that

.. okay, let me put it this way. Generally speaking, not every song, or work of art, etc., has the same ambition.. and so when one goes to evaluate a work of art, I feel it's to judge whatever it is one may be trying to assess accordingly. For example, Going Home obviously has a much different ambition than Anyhow, and yet, I would contend that both songs are "just as good," as to each its own ambition.

.. if I had to try and qualify the latter.. Anyhow, to me, is a very sexy seduction that's rather humorously.. [and quite expertly, I must say].. wrapped in a lament. I love it as both something of a turn on.. and something that can crack me up, as well.

[It's a shame, and it's a pity]

[that line especially cracks me up]

[ya nevah' evah' loved me.. is probably a close second]

[I just love you, my angel]

[and I really really really really really really want to kiss you].. [although I think I may have mentioned that before]

[pretty sure]

.. Anyhow.. I believe that was the crux of my argument. Oh, and on that tack.. the reason I find this CD so entirely satisfying is that I feel that every song succeeds as to its own ambition. And there is such a range, thus offering a range of emotion and sensation.. and intent consideration.. and all done so eloquently, and beautifully.. humorously.. humbly.. charmingly.. sweetly.. suavely.. [musically].. [I mean, what's not to like??]

.. so.. yeah. That was the crux of it. [oh, since I was reading of some songs being singled out as "the best ones," as compared to others, which were judged to come in last.. and that somehow didn't quite sit right with me.. so


.. but, back on Cumalot. So my homage to that--okay, somewhat "filthy" place.. [speaking of].. has to do with this scene from an old flick, which I tentatively made mention of in the story I'm writing, although I believe I eventually nixed it, in the end. [that's also what's taking me so long.. the thing expands and contracts on me all the time]

.. anyway, as to one of the characters in the Strip material, this scene in particular somehow got conjured.

.. oh, but, before viewing this, I want you all to consider: just what sort of pot is she throwing anyway--uh, anyhow?.. [I mean, just what sort of vessel is that thing?].. [I mean..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LW8j818w-qE&feature=fvsr
FULL SCREEN..

[you know, I always think there's going to be way more of the pot throwing part in that scene.. but.. no.. apparently not]

[personally, I would have liked to see the sort of pot--or, uh.. whatever.. it was going to turn out to be].. [I mean, the rest of the scene is fairly predictable, after all]


okay, and last here on my, uh, Cumalot Frivolity Post..

actually, the one series on cable that I watch at this point is Mad Men, which I think is fairly well written, and is [beautifully] set in a Madison Avenue type Ad firm in the ultra-cool early [oh, now it's mid] sixties.

[the series just started again, after the writer was embroiled with the execs for quite a long while over the "direction" of the show].. [wish I knew more.. but

anyway, I just came upon this woman's effort to keep up with this time period a la Mad Men, and thought I'd brief in some of her comments, and post a "before" and "after" shot. I do like it that--thanks to a very sexy, if rather zaftig redhead in Mad Men by the name of Joan--but thanks to her, larger sized women are maybe realizing they have the goods, as it were.. [sort of like what I was saying about how the larger sized woman was lusted after in some of those blues numbers I posted].. [you know: "she rocks like a motor boat," sort of thing]..

.. but yeah

actually, this is from the Daily Mail on line.. [a U.K. outfit, as it happens]

How to drive men mad: TV's sexiest show is back - but as I discovered when I had my Mad Men makeover, you have to work hard for those wolf-whistles

By MARIANNE POWER

PUBLISHED: 18:34 EST, 30 March 2012 UPDATED: 05:25 EST, 31 March 2012

[just some excerpts] [colored: plum].. [oh, and my own commentary]:

... never have I had a whole building site down tools and stare at me as I pass…

... these men are putty in my hand. I can feel their eyes follow me as I walk down the street, so I give them a little wiggle.

... this is what happens when you dress up as a Mad Woman.

Ever since Mad Men first came on to our TV screens, I have wondered what it would be like to dress up like Christina Hendricks’s character Joan, the foxy office manager.

With our red hair and generously proportioned hips, Joan and I have a thing or two in common — but while she makes the most of her curves in tight dresses and heels, I hide mine in jeans jumpers and flat shoes.

I wouldn’t normally have the guts to wear such outfits, so when the Mail challenged me to a Mad Men makeover to celebrate the start of the fifth series, I jumped at the chance.

I learn it’s hard work trying to be a sex bomb —


1. PILE THAT HAIR HIGH

[actually, I'm realizing my new "do" is rather fashionable right now, given I too have some "height" now].. [who knew?]


2. TROWEL ON THE SLAP

[okay.. it's taken me a long time to realize that the best makeup, as far as "foundation" goes.. is no makeup at all].. [but.. for that Mad Men look, it seems..

well, necessary] [apparently]


3. BREATHE IN - AND REACH FOR THE GIRDLE

[okay, this really really is not my style. I'm also on the "slight" side, so.. And yet, with this gal, it really is working, I think].. [check below]

[I think I'll go with this section's verbiage].. [oh, given I haven't discussed "lingerie" in quite some time] .. [I've been too caught up in other things, it seems]

[It's a shame and it's a pity]

okay.. so

The right period underwear is vital, says Janie Bryant, the costume designer on the show, because it makes the actresses ‘hold themselves differently’.

While most actresses wear reproductions of the vintage undies, poor Christina has to wear the originals, which are unyiedling and uncomfortable.

I cannot find any vintage underwear in a size 12, so I head to... London’s Portobello Road, which stocks vintage-inspired smalls.

Joan’s character wears girdles, stockings, a slip and longline bras. 

A longline bra, I discover, is one which is attached to a bodice that comes down to your tummy, to nip in at the waist.

And the bullet-shaped cups? Talk about making the most of your assets! Meanwhile, the tightly fitted bodice makes it impossible to slouch. Or breathe.

Next comes the girdle — the Sixties’ equivilent of Spanx. It pulls in your tummy and bottom and comes attached to suspender belts with fiddly hooks.

It might feel restrictive, but the shape of my body is transformed. My waist appears 3 in. smaller and I am starting to feel — and look — more like a screen siren.


4. FILL OUT YOUR FROCK WITH CHICKEN FILLETS

[okay, as for me: not going to happen].. [I don't think].. [doubtful]

[I don't know, we'll see]

[possibly]

[maybe if you need me as a back-up singer, I'll try that].. [my angel]

[just to spice things up a bit]


[oh, I think I'll go with this "dress" bit, as well].. [below, I mean].. [after all, I have that 50's/early sixties cocktail dress,].. [oh, and a few other items of my mother's]

okay.. so

Finally, the bit I’ve been waiting for: the dresses. By 1966, which is when the new series of Mad Men picks up, mini-skirts, psychedelic prints, monochrome ensembles and boxy shapes were starting to make an appearance — but many women were still holding on to the old look, including Joan, who sticks to her trademark body-hugging pencil dresses.

There are subtle changes though — she starts to wear bolder prints and show slightly more cleavage than she did in the years before. Even though by today’s standards, Joan’s dresses are modest, she still manages to look amazingly sexy.

I picked two iconic dresses Joan wears in the series — bottle green and a beautiful black floral dress for the evening — and asked designers at The Pretty Dress Company to recreate them for us.

The online shop specialises in retro-inspired pencil skirt dresses, very similar to the ones Joan would wear, and says the look is now very popular.

The results are perfect. Usually I would never, ever wear a pencil skirt, as I don’t like my hips, but when I slip this dress on, it looks stunning.

The big hips I usually hate actually look shapely. I top off my green dress with a retro-inspired broach from Fenwick. There’s only one thing lacking — the bust.

While Christina’s cups runneth over, mine look half-empty, so I shove a couple of ‘chicken fillets’ down my bra.

Now it’s time to take my new curves outside. I’m terrified — I’ve never worn anything so figure-hugging in public before.


5. WALK WITH A WIGGLE

Men can’t stop staring. Literally.

Taxi drivers are looking out from their cars, men in business suits are turning around, and one young guy stops in his tracks — his mouth is open.

I am painfully self-conscious in the bottle green dress.

I can see a woman digging her husband in the ribs when he twists his neck to look at my behind. Oh dear, I feel like a harlot.

I realise quickly that you can’t walk in a girdle and a pencil skirt, you can only wiggle — which makes me even more conspicuous.

I’m sure women are giving me catty looks, but then a glamorous older woman with a perfect white bob smiles at me.

‘That takes me back,’ she says. ‘What a pretty dress.’

She tells me that she is visiting from Hampshire for the day and that she used to live in London in the Sixties, working as a secretary for Unilever.

‘Everyone made an effort back then, you’d never leave the house without having your outfit on,’ she says. ‘I wore a corset and stockings every day and went to work wearing white gloves.’

I decide to hold my head up high and do a spot of shopping. As the hours pass I get used to the attention, and actually grow to rather like it.

A man behind me in the supermarket checkout tells me that he likes my dress and that women should wear dresses more often.

A young guy waiting at the bus stop asks me if I’m that actress. I don’t know if he’s having me on or not, but he’s certainly made my day.

After lunch, I change into the black floral number to treat me and my dress to a refreshing martini, so I head to the absolutely stunning 10th floor bar of the Royal Kensington Hotel, which has views all across London.

Sipping my drink — with two olives — I start to feel the part. I could get used to this.

I swear that even the very handsome French barman is giving me the eye.

But then I go to powder my nose, and remember my complicated underpinnings. I’m in there for 20 minutes fiddling with hooks and poppers!

SO, WAS IT ALL WORTH IT?

.. okay, Marianne states that, while she won't be doing this on a daily basis, she does think she'll "dress up" upon occasion. So, I guess the answer is: yes.

.. as for myself.. well, now that I go to the city so seldom, I do find that I'll dress up for it. I sort of like doing that. [and it came in handy for that impromptu little drink with O.] [if you recall]

.. so, yeah.. it just feels like the right thing to do for "town." True, I'm not wearing slabs of makeup and girdles 'n things. Although I do quite often wear an underwire bra, when at home I like to wear something, well, sexy.. [may as well].. but far more comfortable. [truth be told]

.. so.. yeah.


.. alright, my angel. I see it's gotten late, when I really hadn't intended on staying here all that long. But the color-coding alone gets tedious. Also, my computer's acting "schitzy," if you know what I mean by that. It's making me fret I'll lose this whole post, so I keep making sure to copy it as I go along.

.. okay, my love.. here's a little something from Bill Evans & co. that I quite like, and it's rather upbeat, as well..

but first, my kiss to you, my angel.. x.. (I wish it could be more..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=kTF69pA_DRo&feature
FULL SCREEN..

.. x xxx .xxxx. xxx. xx x..

[Violet]

.. [actually, I realize it's April Fool's Day, but these undergarments aren't pulling any punches, I don't think]

.. so, yeah.. thought I should add the "construction workers" shot. [just to fill this out a bit more for y'all]

.. [my love, just for you.. x]

[Violet]

.. you know, my love.. I just wrote another "frivolous" post, but somehow I'm just not in that mood anymore. [maybe some other time]

.. so, I've been working away, making progress.. and the weather is rather cold still, and windy.. and so I've not been out to our lake in quite a few days now, which I'm not too keen on.

.. actually, let me look through my youtube file.. [see if anything captures my interest]..

.. [… ]..

.. okay

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JaC3Hp36 ... re=related
FULL SCREEN..

and things have only gotten worse, as far as Hollywood goes..

so

not much to be done about it, I guess. I haven't entirely given up yet on that direction for things.. but

as anyone knows who's tried to put a feature film together, you

actually, I have no idea what to even say about it. I mean EVERYTHING is against you. Just everything.. so

it's a tall order.

.. then again, there seem to be "real" individuals who win the lottery, even.. so..



but, actually, my love.. (my angel).. Orson is right.. there are always other options, and I do have any number of other things in mind.

.. for now, I'm working on something I want to be working on.. [whether it's wise of me or not].. and.. [whether it's wise of me or not].. I do adore you.

.. so I again send my little kiss to you, my love.. x

and.. (actually, the following sequence is making me want to see this version again)..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z1_I36qHDts
FULL SCREEN..

(I'm not sure I should put kisses after that one, my angel..

but I miss you).. (and do hope all is well)