I Left a Boy on Raecher Road

[Jimmy O'Connell]

Manna... I'm gonna do my thing....

I Left a Boy on Raecher Road

a hatless blue jean turbulence,
his heart as red as the dream cars
pinned to the walls of his bedroom.

He roughed the dormant alfalfa fields
in a flurry of tumbling snowball fight
against the hulking wind, white
and frothy as dairy farm milk.

He milked the cow by hand
pressed his ear to her bulk
and we drank it, warm and raw.

Later, he told a ghost story
set on the bathrobe widow’s property
where he pulled a rake in fall
and pushed a shovel in winter,

his hands too strong to creak
(the way mine did this morning)
and too young to wave no thanks
at her offered dollar.


I disagree with most comments so far.... I love ....
"his heart as red as the dream cars.."
"He roughed the dormant alfalfa fields..."
"He milked the cow by hand..."

All work for me.... the only problem, for me, is structure.... I found it difficult to read the single line, double spaced structure. I offer only one of many alternatives...
A very good, strong, evocative piece...
Jimmy

[Alan Alda]

Gosh, Laurie, thanks. You've given me a lot of great suggestions. I like your choice of frozen a whole lot, and other things too.

Yeah, but of course you need to consider the source....

[Manna]

Yeah, but of course you need to consider the source....

ha ha! Well, I didn't like all of your suggestions, if you must know. For instance, italicizing bathrobe would serve to exacerbate the problem, though I do acknowledge the problem. It's easy to verb a noun, but trying to adjective a noun gets clumsy. I was hoping the reader could handle it, and it may be the best I can do to leave it as it is. But I can play some more and see. The things you point out as problems, I mostly agree are problems, but I don't necessarily like all of your fixes. Which is nice because it lets it stay mine.

[Manna]

Jack,
there was once a line in this poem that went:

pinned to the walls of his bedroom

with the promise to take him out of there.

But I took it out - too flimsy or obvious or whatever. But yep, that was the sentiment I was going for, and I thought it was there in just the two lines. Glad you got it.

[lazariuk]

Can I have a purple heart?

People wear purple hearts pinned to their chest. You can have mine and be able to tell anyone that you have Jack's purple heart on.

[Alan Alda]

Manna~

I don't care to make your poem 'mine' through suggestions. The point is to influence subsequent writings. If you consider anything here as valid and worth considering in the future then I didn't waste my time.

If you want to believe it is 'perfect' as some have found...that is of course another option.

L

[Manna]

There's no such thing as perfect, only giving up on it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

I Left a Boy on Raecher Road,

his heart as red as the dream cars

pinned to the walls of his bedroom.

This hatless blue jean turbulence

roughed the frozen alfalfa fields

in a flurry of tumbling snowball fight

against the hulking wind, white

and frothy as the dairy farm milk

he gently pulled from the teat

with his ear pressed to her bulk.

We drank it warm and raw,



and later, he told a ghost story

set on the widow’s property

where he pulled a rake in fall

and pushed a shovel in winter,

his hands too young to creak

(the way mine did this morning)

and too keen to wave no thanks

at the dollar offered quivering

at the end of her bathrobe sleeve.

[Joney]

Manna, shame about losing the "bathrobe". I loved the line "bathrobe widow" it made me want to hear more about her and the goings on.

[Manna]

I didn't lose the bathrobe, I had just misplaced it, and now I think it's where it belongs.

[Jimmy O'Connell]

Sorry, Manna... I don't like the re-write.

I'm not talking about the structure. I see you have kept to single lines... I still don't like it... but I much prefered your original poem. The only quibble/confusion I still have is the "bathrobe widow" in line 13 of your original. It is confusing and I'm not sure it is relevant or necessary in the overall poem.
I'm being stubborn by sticking to my revised structure, but I have punctuated, verse 4 to clarify the widow issue....!!!!

I Left a Boy on Raecher Road

a hatless blue jean turbulence,
his heart as red as the dream cars
pinned to the walls of his bedroom.

He roughed the dormant alfalfa fields
in a flurry of tumbling snowball fight
against the hulking wind, white
and frothy as dairy farm milk.

He milked the cow by hand
pressed his ear to her bulk
and we drank it, warm and raw.

Later he told a ghost story,
set on the widow’s property,
where he pulled a rake in fall
and pushed a shovel in winter,

his hands too strong to creak
(the way mine did this morning)
and too young to wave no thanks
at her offered dollar.

[Alan Alda]

Manna~

I like where you have gone with it.

I can't figure out why you are attached to the blank-line set up. That form does not enhance the reading and does a disservice to the poem. Your line-ends are good. Maybe think about finding a stanza structure you like that would eliminate all those blank lines. It's so choppy as you have it.

Also, I think you are determined to show this is a past memory through the "(the way mine did...)" I don't think it is necessary. I think the title puts that to rest. That said, I think this:

his hands too young to creak

(the way mine did this morning)

is completely dispensible. It is all just to set up the passage of time. It is so poignant to think of the boy declining that offered dollar...or do you want him to take it? Your newer version gives the widow and the boy more character. I know I didn't mention this earlier. It didn't come to me then....

L

[lazariuk]

Well... a number of things I like. Please don't touch

"where he pulled a rake in fall
and pushed a shovel in winter,"

Hi Lizzy

I too was especially drawn to those lines as being so strong and effective.
And as I look at them I think they do even more than I originally thought. Obviously they are effective at introducing an element of sexuality into the landscape with the rake and shovel going back and forth symbolizing a penis going in and out of the vagina. The use of snow and leaves and payment at the end take my wandering mind even further leading from the profane to the sublime.

I think it serves to foreshadow what the boy and girl are to experience in the future.

I spent some years in sales and the making of a deal could be a very rewarding affair that was mutually beneficial for both sides. The deals could be a very straightforward clear event. It was getting to where the deal could be made that was often the problem. I did much of my selling in rural areas and often remarked that if I could get to sitting at the kitchen table then I knew the deal could be made. Likewise with farmers I knew that if we got to the point where the farmer took me out to the barn to show me his livestock or a piece of equipment that the deal was pretty well a sure thing.

Because this was probably true of other sales people it would be easy for them to understand what I mean if I said something like " You have to push a lot of snow to get to the cabin" or "you have to shovel a lot of shit to get to the barn" maybe even " you have to rake a lot of leaves to get to the teepee" would work as well.

and so when it is said "you have to push a lot of snow to get to the cabin" what is being said is that lies get told, smiles are on faces when no smiles are being felt etc. etc. but what is not being said is that once you are in the cabin that this continues. There comes a point in order for the deal to be real that the lies vanish and what you are there to do you do truly.

Why would Manna use a sales language to speak of what lay in store for the relationships between a boy and a girl?
Maybe she was reading a recent interview of Leonard when he spoke of the hippy days of free love and casual sex. He said :

“But it lasted just a few moments,” he says about that time. “And then it was back to the old horror story, whatever it is that still exists. You know, I'll give you this if you give me that. You know, sealing the deal: What do I get, what do you get. It's a contract.”

and so she has him take the dollar. She has him do what it is the season for doing. This boy with the red heart of passion who has yet to learn that it is not the raking and the shovelling nor the dollar.

Jack

[lazariuk]

I'm being stubborn by sticking to my revised structure, but I have punctuated, verse 4 to clarify the widow issue....!!!!

Personally I like your structure too Jimmy and I think that Manna found a good place for the bathrobe and that it is important to leave it in there.
Jack

[Manna]

Hi, gang, it's great to have such attention given to my little poem.

While I didn't have all of what Jack wrote in mind in making the boy take the dollar, it was a pretty easy decision whether he would take it or not. It was a conscious decision. While it may be sweet to think of him tipping his hatless head and saying, no thanks, Ma'am, then clicking his heals, and skipping down the lane, I'm just not sweet enough to write that. I'd even go so far as to say stuff like that seems a bit sappy and predictable to me. I did want to suggest the sex Jack talks about, and I didn't want him to be so innocent. I hope that's what lets me get away with mentioning a ghost story, which is one of the things I wasn't sure about, and nobody has mentioned - why the heck is there a ghost story in this? (Aided of course by her being a widow, but still...)

As for the form, I don't know why I am ~enamoured~ with that open form. I didn't mean them as stanza breaks with the intended pauses that come with stanza breaks, and I think I'm going to take out that break I stuck in the middle (but I think I'll use that as one of the breaks if I end up going with more normal stanzas). I think I like it because it's the first time I've done it that way (which is a crappy reason), and I wanted to play with how it looked with more space. I dunno.

Oh yeah - the young hands and (stuff)...
I've been less certain of the second half of this from the beginning. That bit you point out is kind of like, "Hi! I'm the author, and here I am in the poem," isn't it? ha ha, ok, I think it's probably gone. Thanks again for all the help and thought.

[lizzytysh]

Is it feasible to leave the creaky hands with something like:

his hands too young to creak

the way hers did that morning

or

his hands too young to creak

the way hers had that morning

There's something about this that just seems too 'explanatory' to me:

at the dollar offered quivering

at the end of her bathrobe sleeve.

Maybe not; but might it be possible to just have her be:

the bathrobed widow

Not attached to these suggestions, but I do like them .



~ Lizzy