Posted: Sun Mar 18, 2007 2:55 am
Well, you did it, Mat... even though it's quite filled with a feeling of aggression, or feelings of aggression, not sure how best to categorize it. It moves quickly from one cold, harsh image to the next.
Not sure why the emphasis on "lovely" in the bold; perhaps, because you used it as a jumping-off point as a contrast for "bomb" ~ and not to suggest that the relationship described in Manna's poem is the milk-toast, superficial one that might be described as "lovely" and that serves as a cover, concealing the 'real' dynamics that you describe.
One comment of critique is that, to me
is a mixed metaphor contrived for the occasion aka to fit the 'assignment.'
Now, this:
I like this idea, image... in fact, I get a picture in my mind's eye of, oh, maybe, a young Sophia Loren, with a young Gregory Peck... each in clothes dusty, dirty, and torn... except the bomb that created the rubble didn't come from one of their own's gentleness, but were external to them both... perhaps, they'd finally found each other, after being separated in the chaos of the bombing; or, perhaps, they were from the opposing sides that were warring ~ and, despite the bomb [not a "bomb of gentleness"], they united amidst the rubble, due to the most important aspect of their humanity, that of love.
As your poem pertains to a "tiff," however; I feel it's still hyperbolic. I feel it would work better if it were one describing the predictable, dysfunctional "honeymoon period" that's an inherent part of the pattern of domestic violence. It would still need some re-working; particularly, your last word.
You gave it the good ol' college try, though; and in pretty quick order at that.
~ Lizzy
Not sure why the emphasis on "lovely" in the bold; perhaps, because you used it as a jumping-off point as a contrast for "bomb" ~ and not to suggest that the relationship described in Manna's poem is the milk-toast, superficial one that might be described as "lovely" and that serves as a cover, concealing the 'real' dynamics that you describe.
One comment of critique is that, to me
"with the bomb
of gentleness"
is a mixed metaphor contrived for the occasion aka to fit the 'assignment.'
Now, this:
to union
among the rubble
...in the sun of love.
I like this idea, image... in fact, I get a picture in my mind's eye of, oh, maybe, a young Sophia Loren, with a young Gregory Peck... each in clothes dusty, dirty, and torn... except the bomb that created the rubble didn't come from one of their own's gentleness, but were external to them both... perhaps, they'd finally found each other, after being separated in the chaos of the bombing; or, perhaps, they were from the opposing sides that were warring ~ and, despite the bomb [not a "bomb of gentleness"], they united amidst the rubble, due to the most important aspect of their humanity, that of love.
As your poem pertains to a "tiff," however; I feel it's still hyperbolic. I feel it would work better if it were one describing the predictable, dysfunctional "honeymoon period" that's an inherent part of the pattern of domestic violence. It would still need some re-working; particularly, your last word.
You gave it the good ol' college try, though; and in pretty quick order at that.
~ Lizzy