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Horse of Babylon wrote:Hello Cate, this is what I have written. In the last verse I removed the band aid and substituted a simple 1231 pattern with simple words.

kind regards

Sharon



He wonders if love's still there
asks for news from the front,
as he’s behind the Times
. . . reading the divorce stats.

I tell him the war is over.

Love has been declared!
A biochemical response
to a touching stimulation.

It's simply part of the propaganda
procreation machine; neurons
captured during the heat of the night.

Of course this is just a rouse
to disguise that I have
once again scraped my heart
Amnesty, amity, a bruise

Hey Madam Babylon – thanks for your comments and suggestions.
I agree band-aid isn’t the most poetic word only slightly better then scab … but the word I was really unsure about was heart. Ohhh says the narrator I hurt my heart – blah, blah, blah. sometimes it can work, but sometimes it's a cliche and as I already have a moon fixation...

I liked your suggested line breaks, I also like – he wonders as opposed to ‘wants to know’ but the exclamation point can’t go after Love has been declared – N’s not declaring love, she or he is lying and saying that’s not really such a thing at all – it’s just biology. Your last line would make a great short.

my favorite part of course is ‘play-platelet’.

Ha!
It sounds so femininely French to this silly English speaker.
That poem; that line! was literally created for you. I smiled when I wrote it, knowing that it would appeal to your wild side.
I suppose that makes you a "muse"?

Mat

ah - you have amused me and pleased (plait) me at the same time.

I love listening to someone with a french accent, everything seems to flow so nicely. I hope I meet Judy one day so that I can hear her voice - I bet she has a wonderful accent.

Cate wrote:

Horse of Babylon wrote:Hello Cate, this is what I have written. In the last verse I removed the band aid and substituted a simple 1231 pattern with simple words.

kind regards

Sharon



He wonders if love's still there
asks for news from the front,
as he’s behind the Times
. . . reading the divorce stats.

I tell him the war is over.

Love has been declared!
A biochemical response
to a touching stimulation.

It's simply part of the propaganda
procreation machine; neurons
captured during the heat of the night.

Of course this is just a rouse
to disguise that I have
once again scraped my heart
Amnesty, amity, a bruise

Hey Madam Babylon – thanks for your comments and suggestions.
I agree band-aid isn’t the most poetic word only slightly better then scab … but the word I was really unsure about was heart. Ohhh says the narrator I hurt my heart – blah, blah, blah. sometimes it can work, but sometimes it's a cliche and as I already have a moon fixation...

I liked your suggested line breaks, I also like – he wonders as opposed to ‘wants to know’ but the exclamation point can’t go after Love has been declared – N’s not declaring love, she or he is lying and saying that’s not really such a thing at all – it’s just biology. Your last line would make a great short.

Dear Cate , being a newbie here I am unsure of the protocol. I was going to comment on your poem earlier then I noticed that everyone ignored your spelling mistakes and grammar errors. So I thought I would make the changes without commenting on them and in particular I expect you noticed that I rhymed "bruise" with the word I thought you must have intended, "ruse" and certainly not "rouse"! It's just a silly thing of mine but I do notice the mistakes and thought I would come over all mean when everyone else was silent about them!

I have just realised that my last post may have been a little disrespectful. It's not for me to say that you MUST have meant "ruse", so if you did mean "rouse" here is perhaps another rhyme



Of course this is just a rouse
to hide that once again
I've scraped my heart
beneath my silken blouse

Dear Cate , being a newbie here I am unsure of the protocol. I was going to comment on your poem earlier then I noticed that everyone ignored your spelling mistakes and grammar errors. So I thought I would make the changes without commenting on them and in particular I expect you noticed that I rhymed "bruise" with the word I thought you must have intended, "ruse" and certainly not "rouse"! It's just a silly thing of mine but I do notice the mistakes and thought I would come over all mean when everyone else was silent about them!

Ahhh horse of B – I’m glad you brought up ruse because you look back you will see that I did in fact notice that spelling error myself and corrected it. I was really quite proud of myself there. I suspect everyone ignored as I’m quite prone to such errors but believe it or not my spelling has come along way from when I first started posting – the constant correction of that wonderful red squiggly line has been very helpful.
Feel free to point out spelling errors - I’m not sensitive about it and please point out grammar mistakes.

Horse of Babylon wrote:I have just realized that my last post may have been a little disrespectful.

we could work on that - joking, I didn't take it like that at all

Of course this is just a rouse
to hide that once again
I've scraped my heart
beneath my silken blouse

Beneath her silken blouse
I’ve taped my tart,
of course this is just to rouse
an obese man named Art.

( not dis’n Art – I love sweets too)

Hi Cate,I've read this poem quite a few times now and I really like it.I also prefer the band aid line, to me it makes the poem it adds a certain innocent sweetness to it.
As you know, getting into so many scrapes as I do, band aids are really useful to me as I'm usually plastered all the time!

Thank you Kwills
- ahhh plastered, that would have been a good line!
well now, I think you have stumbled (hehe) onto a real solution there.

a certain innocent sweetness

Ah, yes... that's it [in addition to its Waiting for Godot feeling].