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Hey Karren - if it was me... I would do 3 things...

Firstly I would take out the two lines that rhyme where you say take his '...name in vain' near the end.

Secondly I would rewrite the manly sword bit to this...

Make me speak unholy words
And beckon me to come
Make me scream the name of God
And beckon me to come

And thirdly I would completely move that rewrite bit to just in above your last four lines, because the rewrite bit is kinda dramatic, marking a climax. And so as not to muck up the next line I would put 'breathe your name...'

Some may find the inclusion of the actual word 'God' offensive though, so I hope I am not offending you with my suggestions!

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well really that was 4 wasn't it? Haha - I am going cross eyed, maybe put down my stuff and crash out
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karrenb wrote:I thought the same thing that is why i only hinted at his name.
Some people can be funny about that.

Karren x

It can be a difficulty.
There was a quick discussion about using a particular word a while ago...
Some people are offended by the use of certain words in certain contexts.

I guess you have to weigh up what you personally think in your endeavours to express yourself and your ideas. I don't think there is ever a totally correct answer though.

Anyhows, sweetdreams Karren xx, Bedford for me
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karrenb wrote:I just need to replace that "Manly sword" that Cate doesn't like!

oh dear, I'm not meaning to give you such a hard time Karren - poor men. We have all kinds of nice descriptive words about our bodies and what do they get manly swords and iron rods.

kwills wrote:Place me on your chilly willy
And beckon me to come
Firm and hot and very nibbly
You beckon me to come.

what about something nautical, and I'm borrowing one of kwills willy here

Lift me unto Admiral Winkie
and beckon me to come
let us sail upon twin seas
and beckon me to come (aboard)

I don't know swords are dangerous and the way we sometime bicker ...

What about some alchemy

here an anagram name generator, if you enter the words manly sword you come up with the name Warmly Dons.

"Make me speak unholy words"

You can't let go of that line, though...

karrenb wrote: Place me on your Mr wiggles
And beckon me to come.
Lift me up and make me giggle
And beckon me to come.

Karren X

.. I'm really liking this, k.. also, I do think it could be "beckon me to pun" at this point..

Cate wrote:I don't know swords are dangerous and the way we sometime bicker ...

What about some alchemy

here an anagram name generator, if you enter the words manly sword you come up with the name Warmly Dons.

.. (Brooklyn has a lot of these).. (just thought I'd mention)..

All power to you Karren you make me laugh

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karrenb wrote:After Careful consideration i have decided to keep it as it is.

I'm sorry Cate but it looks like the "manly sword" is staying! (I did try).

You've tried to help me change these lines
But nothing seems to fit.
You've sent suggestions many times
But nothing seems to fit.
I've tried cucumbers, rods and gourds
But nothing seems to fit.
I want to lose that "manly sword"
But nothing seems to fit.
So "manly sword will have to stay
As nothing else will fit.
There's only one thing left to say
I'll keep a sheath on it!

Thank you Harry for the idea for the last line!

Thanks guys for all your input!

Karren x

Well done Karren - always best to play safe.

Karren

I will have to read these poems a bit more often. They are very funny. Maybe its just getting a little late