You Are Only You

[Alsiony]

but for the sake of proving to myself that I can

I do really believe that this is one of the most precious and important things that anyone could possibly do for themselves.

I live with myself, honestly and everyday. Day in and day out, when I awake - there I am, and the vast majority of the time these days, it feels like a really nice thing. Don't get me wrong, I still get serious hang ups about things, I am not suddenly some amazing woman full of confidence and knowledge who is and will be - totally sorted for ever. No. What I mean is - 'I am me', and in getting to terms with certain events in my life, I learnt some very very important things.

Staring it all in the face, (if you are truly willing to allow yourself to turn yourself inside out like that), will never completely heal any pain.This is impossible, for me atleast, it is. One of my saving moments was when I really began to truly know and feel this. As I have said before, trying to achieve 'Closure', I think, can at times be a complete fallacy and yearning for it can sometimes only serve to take one down completely the wrong track. It can at times be akin to asking the wrong question to begin with, and therefore likely to lead to an answer that just won't do you justice at all. I did not want to go to a therapist to be 'treated' via a text book on the condition of being human. Not that I have anything against counselling whatsoever. I just think that I needed to do it on my own terms more than anything.
It is not about simply giving in either mind you. From it I learnt to be strong enough to accept, genuinely. Though that process was never a quick and easy thing to go through, as it still isn't at times to this day. But for me, it became then, and still is to this day, about being able to always 'take it on' - to be able to be real with myself - if nothing else.

The situation made me very broken indeed - but it was I and I alone, who went on to strip myself completely bare in the end, which I found I had to do before I could begin to rebuild myself again.

Something else, (that goes hand in hand with the above) was that I honestly stopped feeling scared any more. That is what I mean about coming through it all ok in the end. I reached a kind of epiphany moment. It has not left me without conscience - far far from it infact. I didn't suddenly become reckless and without respect for myself or others, though I did go through a stage of messing myself up as much as I could before I got to that point.
As I said to lovely Violet (was similar words to this but with the same meaning atleast) - I refused to close my heart and it is a price I gladly pay.
I pay it everyday and it is never ever a negative thing.

Although the chapters that are presently taking place in my life now, are somewhat different to those that I have been describing, they are always a part of me. I will always be able to see him in my minds eye for example. The love I have for him never died, it just stopped breathing the living air. My life is one story, containing many. That is how I see it.
The wheel of my life continues to turn, and inevitably bad things still happen, but I have my own personal honest account of myself that I can draw on for hard, or easy times for that matter. I know who I am, I own the T-shirt on myself - and that will always be a source of strength to me, though I do not follow any organised religion, I can honestly say that in this regard, I feel very blessed. Though it will always be tested to its limit at times, it is an inner peace that I wish hard for - for all people.

A
x

[Violet]

Violet, I read your response along with the poem early this afternoon, as I was getting ready for work. I knew I wanted to come home tonight to read it over once more to grasp everything you were saying. Then when I got to your poem and read it again it made me cry.

even as
I hurt for you,
I sing for you too, and laugh.
if you want my voice, you’ve only
to ask. if you want
my cries, you can ask
for them too.
I’ll not be through with
loving you. though I wish
the sky could have you know
these things; I wish
the world were enough to
contain your happiness.

...

If I were your beloved, and felt I could not love you in the way you loved me, I would hope I could help you in extending that greater dimension of love, and kindness, through communication and understanding.. I would hope I would offer you that, and be there in whatever way I could, even as I knew I was causing you pain.. This I believe is due you..

I will never believe that I am owed anything. Unrequited love is given and asks for nothing in return. Kindness, communication, understanding… even in its most miniscule form I do not expect any of it. I don’t even expect to be understood. I will go through hell, as Claire said, and not even expect to gain any knowledge from my journey. And then I’ll go back. I’ll witness the mirrors of my insecurities, stare them in face, relive all the horrors I can recall and create a mess of emotions I may not even want to piece together. The point is that I am willing to do it, maybe not just for the sake of doing it, but for the sake of proving to myself that I can. I can only hold onto a belief that someday someone somewhere will understand that, but I never expect anyone to.

Hi again, T... I've been having a strange week since I wrote you.. I've been focused on helping a friend who's in rather dire need.. but I've thought of you too..

It's sad to think of my poem causing you to cry, and yet I think men should do more of that.. I find when I'm at the end of my rope, weeping is the only thing that soothes me.. there's this calm that can happen afterwards.. you no longer have to think.. you're emotionally drained, and tired.. and in that way soothed somehow..

I question your saying that you will never believe you are owed anything.. I mean, in one sense, I understand your saying that.. we are each suffering in a world of our own making, in a sense, and it's up to us to either stay stuck there, or to find a way of moving on.. but.. from everything I've learned about healing, though I still don't understand how or when such healing occurs.. but from everything I've learned about it, it seems to ask that we give ourselves a break.. that's why I brought up the little boy before.. true healing seems to ask that we take his (her) side in things, as he was owed a great deal that he never did receive.. those are the fair and just rights of children.. to receive unconditional love, kindness, protection, education, and care.. none of us, I imagine, receive all that, all perfectly executed.. but we need enough of these things so to grow up, and be whole.. and I think so many of us find that yes, intellectually we've grown up, and can think for ourselves.. and yet.. we're not really whole until these things, to the degree they've been neglected, are healed.. I guess I'm just saying that a part of healing might be to say that yes, you are indeed owed something.. you do need love, just as we all do.. you do need to be appreciated, and cared about.. I know first hand that in some ways it's easier to care about others, and see to their pain, and what they may be going through, than to truly take care of oneself.. for many of us, this is an acquired skill that does not come naturally.. but it may be where to begin..

I love the title of this Alice Walker book, though I've yet to read it.. maybe we all should read it, given its title.. "The Way Forward is with a Broken Heart"..

here's to tending with love to all of our broken hearts,
v i o l e t

[jamesmartyn]

Hi...
Here Jamesmartyn from USA. There are words will be short forever for the love. Because there is no description of love we can find. Everyone will define different meaning of love. Love is the great creation of God. In short "Love is the food of life". Sometimes in real love we can feel that there is no life without our beloved. Thats the real feelings of love.
Thanks for nice topic.
.

[Teratogen]

So much talk of healing. So much talk of things to look forward to. So much talk of moving on. So much talk of closure...

I felt the need to grasp these things before, in order to make myself well. They were subjects that came up in every conversation I've had since this thing happened here... I feel like the soldier on Cohen's "The Traitor." I feel like I've been mandated by some divine intervention to experience those feelings of confusion, of being lost, of being lonely, heartbroken, and of losing someone whom they claimed to have loved so deeply and passionately. I feel like I'm doing my daily duty to be the human expression of suffering, that it's my lot in life. Not only that but I feel like I HAVE to uphold this agreement. It's my cross to bear. And with talks of closure, healing, and moving on I feel like I'm betraying those very things I was meant to do.

I feel like my only connection to this person I care about so intensely is now in my suffering. My only connection. If I attempt to end my suffering by moving on and convincing myself the future holds better things ahead then I feel like a traitor to my intense emotions. I feel like I will lose that only connection.

I don't want closure if her memory is still present. I don't want healing if the wound is my only sensation of her. I don't want to move on if she is still here, so to speak.

Is it possible to care for someone and love someone who doesn't want it? Is it possible to let it all go and move on and still yearn and long for that person? I don't see how it can be. And if I'm still feeling that then what the fuck is next? The more I see that she claims to be loving life and claims she is happy the more I'm convinced that she has convinced herself that I am just a squashed bug underneath her shoe, that she doesn’t need me in her life. Apathy is my punishment. If she’s convinced herself of this already what fucking chance do I have of ever entering her life again?

And the more I see that she says those things the more I want to be there right next to her. That’s the happiness I remember from being with her. Part of me thinks she’s wearing one of her masks; that she’s only trying to convince herself she’s happy by telling everyone else that she is. But defining happiness is tricky. It’s different from contentment. I think I went over this before, but still… if she thinks it’s happiness and she knows that’s what she feels, god, it tears me apart.

Alas, my love, you did me wrong to cast me out discourteously. For I have loved you so long, delighting in your very company. Now if you intend to show me disdain don’t you know all the more it enraptures me? For even so I still remain your lover in captivity.

[Teratogen]

Because there is no description of love we can find. Everyone will define different meaning of love. Love is the great creation of God. In short "Love is the food of life".

There is never a need to describe love. It is not meant to be told to another. It is meant to be expressed to another. It is meant to be felt and received. Love does not need meaning. It IS meaning. It is not a question. It is an answer. Love is not a creation of God. It IS God. It's the only god I worship.

But love, yes, love is the food of life. And I am very malnourished. And God has abandoned me. And the meaning is ambiguous.