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Here's my .25 - maybe it's wrong to try and rhyme 'song'. It has a sing-song feel to it. If you can work song into the verse and perhaps get an inline rhyme with another word, you won't have that 'ong' 'ong' sound at the end of your lines. I think that's what was bothering me. Maybe 'beauty' or another important word could end a line, not necessarily 'song'. Geez, I wish I could just come up with an example, but it's not so easy.

I think Daka's right. When you said that you jumped out of bed with those first verses on your mind, maybe that's all you needed to say.

daka wrote:
Would you agree that if you do find this 'meeting' that your poem speaks of you have found beauty without looking for it?

Daka that is exactly what I was trying to communicate in that verse.

linda_lakeside wrote:I think Daka's right. When you said that you jumped out of bed with those first verses on your mind, maybe that's all you needed to say.

Yes but that Fuller thing was there too and I know that it connects. I think I'm starting to see some bits of beauty in this morning's mistakes. I better go get some work done today.
Later

daka wrote:
I’m not looking for beauty
when I work on a song
but if if the song works
It will come along

daka

That is so good Daka. How about?

I’m not looking for beauty
when I work on a song
if I let the song work me
It will come along

Jack,
I don't believe I like you very much.

But I do like this thing you wrote.
Very much.

It's 'prickly'*.

(And if it takes all your 'gooey'* to get you to a thing like this,
then hurray for all your gooey, is all I can say.)

Here's my urgent advise: - Don't take advise.
Do not be so quick to change anything because of
what anybody says.

Sudden moves are only to please 'the other'**.
They inevitably spoil beauty and integrity.
"Everything beautiful happens slowly."***

Your song is perfect as is.
Or it will become it, in time, if you just let it alone
until it's ready to change. There is no emergency in this.
Plastic surgery by committee is politics, not poetry.

~greg


* Alan Watts terminology

** Hegel

*** ?

Ah, I was just about to post and I saw greg's posting. I think he's very right, I'm going to delete my suggestion!

I will still say though that the last verse seems important and I hope you keep some form of it.

Here's what the end says to me in math terms - sometimes 1 + 1 = 1, sometimes it doesn't. I might be off the mark though.

Greg

Thank you for the sweet attention you gave to the surface of what I am doing. Please don't be alarmed for me if I take delight in entropy as it is just the peeling off from one system to another in eternally regenerative universe. Entropy always takes place near the surface. Rest assured that near the center of what I am doing things are moving very very slowly and carefully.

Your use of prickly reminds me of what Jesus asked Paul that caused Paul to change his direction so completely. He asked him "Why do you kick against the pricks?"

Cate wrote:
Here's what the end says to me in math terms - sometimes 1 + 1 = 1, sometimes it doesn't. I might be off the mark though.

Maybe I can't explain but this gives me an idea where 1+1=4

Thanks Cate and I prefer that you not delete suggestions, they mean more to me than Greg's as smart as he is.

Maybe I can't explain but this gives me an idea where 1+1=4

Jack that's freaky - have I said that to you before - that's my saying - I just said it this morning to my husband.

I’m not looking for beauty
when I work on a song
if I let the song work me
It will come along

Even better, jack!

daka

Jack's not looking for beauty
when he stares in the glass
but Hallmark has asked him
which side is his arse


I am safe from any American, (or, more importantly,Canadian) ever understanding the meaning of this horrendous and wholly unprovoked nursery-slur. However, as you insist on a clue, an ass is something you ride on, (whereass an arse is something you slide on).

daka wrote:

I’m not looking for beauty
when I work on a song
if I let the song work me
It will come along

Even better, jack!

daka

eeek! no it isn't better.

the last line is as nonrhythmic as all its predecessors.

say it out loud and see how you need to stretch the last line. you could get away with it by emphasising the word will but that will only emphasise how banal the sentiment is. or if you like the sentiment, then it certainly emphasises how banal the poetry is.

as Jack is only in poetry for the money, I have composed this Epic Verse just for him, (it is copyrighted and no-one else but Jack may read this without my written permission)

as I work on my song
it's no search for beauty
I'm just after the prize
a red tootie-fruity
now here's the mystery, only the red smartie is unkosher. and it's my favourite. because or despite?

the red sweet is always the best.

Jack, in my opinion rhyme cheapens this little piece.

In each verse I have taken your original, removed the last two lines (and therefore the rhyming pattern also) and replaced those clumsy formations with what I perceive to be your goal/intent/that which you seek, the muse herself.
Perhaps this will help you move "outside the square, off the steel rails and into intent.?

I’m not looking for beauty
when i walk on the street
I’m looking
for you

I’m not looking for beauty
when i look through the drawers
I’m looking
for you

I’m not looking for beauty
when I look in the mirror
I’m looking
for you

I’m not looking for beauty
when I work on a song
I'm looking
for you.


Writing is fun!

lazariuk wrote:I’m not looking for beauty
when i walk on the street
I’m looking to find
where you and I meet

I’m not looking for beauty
when i look through the drawers
I’m looking to find
what’s mine and what’s yours

I’m not looking for beauty
when I look in the mirror
I’m looking to find
If you’re standing near

I’m not looking for beauty
when I work on a song
but if I don’t find it
I know that its wrong

Jack

The person of his interest seems to be missing in the last verse. Maybe this is intentional, but if it's not what about:

I'm not looking for beauty
when I sing your song
but if I don't find it
I know that it's wrong

or what if the I became a we

I'm not looking for beauty
when we sing our song
but if I don't find it
I know that its wrong